I don't get along with my mother in law, how do I keep my husband out of the middle of it all?

Question

Really, I'm not going to go into detail about all the stupid things that make me not like my mother in law. The list is long. My question is more about my husband.

I don't want him to get caught in the middle, and I try everything to keep him out of it, but, of course, he does get stuck there sometimes.

The latest problem was that my MIL took my daughter without my permission or knowlege for 10 hours. I was frantic with worry when I woke up and found my daughter was gone. After my husband called his mother, and reamed her out, did she decide to drop her back off at home, after she agrued about it. Long story short, I was so mad at this woman, and freaked out about my missing kid, that I was yelling, screaming and in tears. My husband feels that I take out how mad I am at her on him. Which, I don't feel that I do.

I'll admit, I am a shouter. When I get mad, I yell. Thats me. I don't yell at him, I don't blame him, I don't point fingers at him, I'm just mad at the situation.

I can't talk to her and straighten this out. It has gone so far beyond that point. She refuses to talk to me, as she thinks she never does anything wrong. And of corse, my husband, in her eyes, is a saint. He really is a good guy, I don't have any complaints. I do love him dearly.

However, the problems I have with her (and vise versa) are starting to stress him out a bit. He is very understanding, and always takes my side, and defends me to her. Its getting to be a strain, as she does stupid things almost daily. I don't complain about her constantly, and I'm not a ******. I'm not a winer, or overly sensitive. It's just when she does her constant interferring, and overstepping of the boundries, I get mad.

What can I do to keep him from feeling torn between me and his mom? How can I be more sensitive about it all when it comes to him? I have no intention of playing nice with her, but what can I do to make it better for him? Any ideas?

Answer 1

Your Husband has to form a United Front with you! HE is caught in the middle, however, he should have nip things in the bud from Day One! Perhaps you can slip this phrase in a card to your MIL..... A daughter is daughter for life, A Son is a Son Until He Takes a WIFE!!!  Good Luck!!!!!!!!!!

Answer 2

Well, to think you can keep your husband out of the equation is unrealistic; it's his mother and the reason she is in your lives is because of their relation. The reality is that your husband should absolutely be involved! It's HIS mother; not yours! Your husband needs to be the aggressor and let his mother know that her behavior is unacceptable to him. If you were that upset about her taking your child without permission, he should be livid with his mother for making you worry that way and for being so irresponsible. Sorry, but from what you have mentioned, it sounds like your husband has to take control of his mother.  

Answer 3

I could answer this question ALL day!

I too WAS in your shoes - for the first 4 years of my relationship my partner ALWAYS put his mum before me! She was horrid towards me and no matter what she did or said, he always took her side. It made me sick everytime she would meddle in and come over.

Then came a breaking point for me - she went to far in my own house actually admitting in front of her 2 sons that she was NEVER going to accept me. I immediately let fly what ever I could say to let her know she was no longer welcome in MY house. My partner came to a relovation that night that he should finally put me first and if that meant not having her socialise with me, then he would accept it.

She is now missing out on visiting her grandson (only if my partner goes to her which is rare ). I havent seen or spoken to her since last October and have never been happier about it. My partner is still able to see her or whatever - its his choice but he understands that it is impossible for her and I to be freinds. She also doesnt think she needs to apolgise about anything! I dont want one - just for her to keep away. Thank goodness shes 64 and smokes a pack a day.

Im very concerned that you say you want your partner to stay out of it.

A councellor once told me "If you are having a problem with your mother-in-law then it is the son of the mother's RESPONSIBILITY to fix it!" IE You partner needs to lay down the law with you mother about what you both want. Communicate with him and then tell her TOGETHER.

Good luck in whatever you do, but i wont be reconsiling with mine. And the good thing is - my partner doesnt care!

Answer 4

I've read some of the questions that you have posted on here before, about your mother in law. I've always found them pretty interesting, sometimes funny and real. I've never made any comments until now.

She threw you a bridal shower, just to turn around to your mother and tell her to pay for it. Thats just rude.

She stops by your work to see if you remembered to go. She calls the house if the lights aren't on, to make sure that you and your husband aren't oversleeping. She drives by the house several times a day. She sends the oil man to the house to fill the tank, leaves you guys with the bill, and you never even knew he was there. Meanwhile, she tells everyone how she "helped you" by getting you fuel. She even gets the mail from your mailbox, after opening it, leaves it on the steps.

You and your family lived with her for a year or two before you were married, and she charged you 2,000 a month in rent. She never charged your husband rent before you came along. You knew what she was like, I'm sure you were counting the days until you could get away from her. I don't know how you could have afforded to, with that much rent, I can see why you don't live with her anymore.

While living with her, there was at least one problem a day, so you say. She kept trying to teach you how to baby her son, even though you kept telling her that he is a man, not a child, and you refuse to go along with training a mammas boy. That you already had a child and didn't need another. She opened your mail, listened in on your phone calls, and would try to get your husband worked up if you were late coming home. I wouldn't have put up with that from my own mother. I can only imagine how hard it is to put up with it from someone elses.

You bought the house from her, and in the process, she managed to s***w you and your husband out of quite a bit of money with other things. Even though you paid her more than what the house was worth, and bought her a retirenment condo on top of it.

Once your family was finally alone in the house, she was there, everyday, invited or not. Until you changed the locks. That was smart.

There are more things, but I can't remember them all, and I'm sure there are some that I have missed, and some that you haven't mentioned. When you say the list is long, I believe you.

You've always kept your mouth shut, so that you don't upset or hurt your husband... and what has that got you? Just her walking over you more and more. I say its about time you got angry! When you want to shout, take it out on her, not him. Once she see's you take her down a peg or two in front of him, and he stays silent, she'll know exactly where she stands.

As far as your husband goes, just remember, she is his mother, and I'm sure he knows that she isn't perfect. He doesn't need a constant reminder. Just try to be careful with the words that you use about her. Also, your his wife, you have ways to win him over that his mamma can't do. From all the things I have read that you've put on here, you've had to do his mothers job - turning a mamma boy into a man. She obviously had no idea how to do it, so it falls on you. Its good that he takes your side, but, what is he saying to his mother when your not around? Is he playing both sides to keep you two happy? Is he relaying your feelings to her. She has no respect for you, but maybe if her baby boy is hurt, then she will realize that she can't treat you like c**p because it effects him. She is just not the kind of person that you can reason and rationalize with, she is in her own little world. She would never act this way if your husband didn't allow it, even though she doesn't care for you, she still cares for him.

Are you the only daughter in law who feels this way? Nope, I've had my share of problems with my Monster-In-Law as well. The best thing you can do is talk to him, when there is nothing going on, and explain what it is exaclty that is bothering you and ask him to find ways to keep you two apart.

Sorry for the long answer, but I really know where you're coming from.

Answer 5

its his mother so you cant keep him out but let him know she isn't welcome in your home when your there and never to touch your kids again or you will ring the cops.

Answer 6

That is a difficult situation, but you should just be firm with her.  Tell your husband that you are going to have a conversation with or write a letter to his mother and then go from there.  Let her know that if she takes your child without permission again, you will press charges.  You also need to let her know that this is between you and her.  She need not go through her son to say something or bring him in the middle of everything.  You have to make her respect you.  She sees you as an enemy..you are the one who "stole her baby away".  I know it's g*y, but that's how they are.  I had a similar situation with my mother-in-law until I finally threw down the gauntlet. :) Now she emails me and calls just to talk to me.  You may feel uncomfortable doing it, but eventually you are going to have to do it or your husband will have to tell her no more himself.  Good luck

Answer 7

First, I'm a bit confused.  How did she take your daughter without you knowing?  Was your husband home and give her permission or did she just show up at your house, let herself in, and remove your daughter?  

You need to distance yourself from this woman some.  If she is doing things daily, means you are in constant contact with her.  Are you calling her everyday or is she calling?  You just need to set some boundries on how often you speak with her and what you discuss.  If your husband is confiding to her things about your relationship, then he needs to stop. I'm sorry I can't be more helpful, but it's hard to know all the details.  Another thing is work on your yelling.  I say this because I too am a yeller.  My mother was a yeller and being around her my entire childhood, well, bad habits were picked up.  I actually took a anger management course.  I used to let things pent up, and then I'd be so mad, not really directing my anger at anyone in particular, so I thought, no big deal.  Well, being in that sort of environment for anyone is stressful.  You just need to learn to vent your frustration calmly and quietly.  And for the record, I learned that those who get mad and give silent treatment are in the same league as yellers, so don't let anyone tell you otherwise!! lol Anyways, what I do when I feel myself getting super annoyed or angry is take a few minute break.  Even if you have to walk out the room, do that.  Figure out what is making you so mad.  If it's little things and often, then maybe  you just have so much stress and you need to find a way to alleviate it.    

Answer 8

First let me say I am really sorry to hear you have a bad relationship with your MIL.  As a MIL, I understand rough times.  The thing I admire most in your writing is the fact that your husband stands up for you.  This is as it should be.  You should come first.  As far as the other issues with your MIL, I don't know what they are, but addressing the one concerning your daughter, that should not have happened.  My suggestion is simple.  As she is not the biological grandmother, she does not have the "legal" right to take your daughter without your permission.  Tell your husband hereafter your daughter is only allowed to go anywhere if he is with her (as we know you won't be going).  He knows of her medical issues and should take necessary precautions if they're away.  This will keep your MIL from doing something like this again and also you will be able to call your husband if you have any concerns.  Hopefully he will understand this as your way of trying to find a solution.  Because you have no intention or desire to have anything to do with his mother, there is not much you can do to make things better for him.  The only thing you can do is make no comments to him about her and consider anything she says as just noise and ignore it.  That means you will have to push anger and emotions down instead of exploding.  It takes a really special kind of person to do that.  Allow him to visit her if he needs to without questioning him about the visit other than asking if he had a good visit.  Be certain he knows how much you love and appreciate him.  Let him know you wish things were different but since they are as they are, you are handling things the best way you know how, which is to stay away from his mother.  It would also help you if he didn't even tell you the things his mother says (if this is the case).  You wouldn't feel the need to be on the defense and maybe the two of you could lead a bit less stressful life.  Regretfully, you are dealing with some of the same issues so many wives deal with and it's not easy.  Good luck to you and yours.  Just try to make some boundries together.

Answer 9

You are lucky he takes your side! My boyfriend thinks his mother can do now wrong when it comes to our baby! I think things are fine the way they are(though frustrating) You just need to tell him what you said up there, that you aren't yelling at him, you just get loud when you get excited, our "arguments" about his mother are the same way, I just talk loudly or yell when I am excited and it is percieved as anger by the person I am yelling TO, not at. Just telling him you are yelling TO him, and that you don't expect him to be able to change her for you, you just need to vent. I think you are doing everything right, there's nothing you can do to change  someone and you SHOULD be sensitive about your child! it's YOUR child, not hers!  

Answer 10

You write:  What can I do to keep him from feeling torn between me and his mom?

This is not a mother-in-law problem.  This is a husband problem.

You should not have to deal with mother-in-law.  

His mom = His problem.  He should be the one handling any problems with her.  He should be the one sticking up for you.

He needs to be a man, and tell mama her treatment of his family is unacceptable.  You write that MIL "does stupid things almost daily."  Why is he allowing that?  He needs to create some distance and space there.  MIL should not be allowed to be around to create problems on a daily basis.  It continues because HE allows it to continue.  Tell him to grow up . . . and get some distance from mama.

Seek marriage counseling.  He's your real problem . . . not MIL.  Good luck.

Answer 11

Unfortunately, there really is no way you can keep hubby out of the middle. To me, the best thing you can do is sit down with him at a calm time when there isn't any drama going on and explain that while you don't hold him accountable for her actions, you feel helpless and your reaction is anger. Make it clear that while that anger isn't intentionally directed at HIM, it's a reaction that you can't help because you are so frustrated. I think you have to have hubby on your side and you have to present a united front to his mom. Otherwise, she isn't going to care. Your opinion and feelings mean nothing. But her dearest darling son.......that's another story. Once she realizes he is disgusted with her behavior and isn't going to tolerate it, believe me....she will shape right up. It's going to take your hubby sitting down with her and making clear that he will not tolerate this behavior nor her treatment of you. I know he defends you to her, but what I'm talking about is more along the lines of an ultimatum. Shape up or ship out, more or less.

My son's ex wife really WAS a barracuda. I detested her and it was literally all I could do to manage being in the same house with her at family gatherings and not tell her off. I was frequently rude to her and basically just tried to ignore her. It took my son coming to me and sitting me down and saying, "Look, I know you don't like her. I know you're trying to look out for me. You have to understand, tho that whenever there's drama between you two then I have to go home and deal with it for the entire night and then some. So please......for me.....stop." It took him being honest with me and asking me to please tolerate her for his sake before I realized that I really WAS a nasty, rude mother in law to her and to understand in my own mind that my son never should have had to come to me with that issue. Maybe if your hubby approaches mom under a similar guise it would help.

I mean, honestly........ANY mother would flip out to wake up and find their child just gone. It doesn't matter that she was with grandma. The fact that grandma didn't have the courtesy or more importantly, the responsibility to leave you a note......wow. In my opinion, she should be banned from spending time alone and unsupervised with your child(ren) because she's shown such a poor lack of judgment! Don't feel like you aren't justified in being angry....you are!  Good luck!

Answer 12

OK, you let your daughter out of the house and didn't know where she is. Because you were asleep. She was gone for 10 hours before you even knew it! Shame on you. You don't have any locks on your doors? How did she get her?

You admit your a screamer and shouter. Thats not good.

How old are you?  You need to grow up and take responsibility for your family.  Your husband is as much to blame. The problem here is not you MIL as you call her but its you and your husband. So in answer to your question, its not a matter of him being in the middle, its you putting him in the middle because of your faults and you need to wake up and grow up. Sorry this sounds harsh but I am just trying to help you out.

Answer 13

NOt only is it your home but its your husbands too. Maybe he can set up some mom time with his mom and her grandkid, and that way you have time to yourself. He can go to her house or to your house, and in that case you get some time out of your house. Thats what i do with with my mil. My husband just says i had to work if she even asks. It sucks but she comes with the package.  

Answer 14

Frankly hun its a choice that you are going to have to make. As for keepin hubby out of the loop between you and your MIL, its not going to happen. As long as its you and his mother fighting and she's constantly interferring, he's going to be apart of it. WHY? because its his mother and for one thing he's going to have to tell his mother to back off. When he married you he promised to you and to God that he was going to forsake all others and that includes mami dearest. In the bible it clearly says that when we marry each other we leave our mothers and our fathers and cleave to our spouse for everything. If you aren't happy and stressing its he's place to make it where you aren't and if that means that mommy isn't in the picture well that's how its got to be. I had to do that with my mother. She was causing problems with me and my husband and trying to over step her bountries too. I just had to tell her that I'm done with her and until she can recognize our marriage and the way that we intend on raising our children well she isn't welcomed in my life. It took some time and her almost dying to see that she hasn't been the best mother and that I was happy. Now she's not near as bad as she use to be, but she knows that I can take care of myself, my marriage, and my family without her interferring. This is something that your husband will have to find out from her, why she's doing all of this.

As for her taking you and your husband's child without both of you knowing it, isn't a question of being upset or pissed its a matter of disrespect. That has to be nipped in the bud now and right now. She doesn't have the right to take her grands without you or your husband's permission and if your husband gives her that permission than, he needs to have the courtesy to let u know. If he doesn't then he's in as much fault as she is and you will have the right to deal with it. But you and your husband have to talk to each other about how this is truly affecting you. Noble as is seems that you want to keep in out of this, he's very much apart of it for the fact that its his mother and you're his wife. He can't stay out of it. You just have to be honest with him how u r feeling and come up with a plan where you BOTH will have to deal with this with his mother. If that means that you don't want to have anything to do with her then tell him that. BUT u will have to compromise in a place where if he visits her that is fine, but as for you that's not an option and that she's not to take the kids anywhere, without your knowledge or permission even with him. Or just both of you will just have to cut his mom out of your lives until she understands just where u are coming from.

I don't want to say leave him because that's not a good thing, but if your husband won't be behind you on this then, you're going to have to draw a line for sanity with both of them. How u do that is going to take some time and some planning and thinking. I will not tell u to leave, that's decision as well as any other's concerning your marriage is up to you. Only we can suggest things, its up to you and how u feel about it that matters. I pray all works out for you and this situation. I'll be praying. Also pray. IT can't hurt this situation any further than it already is. It can change things.