I don't know how to care about my mom anymore. What do I do?

Question

This is a bit long so be prepared to do some reading. I'm 17 and yes, I do try to care about my mom, even though she has given me a few problems in life. I kind of feel bad for her because her kids don't respect her(even me sometimes, though I can't help it because she really frustrates me), her husband is a bit controlling, and she has to do a lot around the house. Being the weak person she is, she refuses to put her foot down about this, choosing instead to let people walk all over her. She complains to me all the time that she's going to start putting her foot down, and yet she still hasn't. My dad has been physically abusive to her a couple times and verbally abusive a lot. With his new buisness failing and him not knowing how to handle stress, I fear he may get abusive again. If he does I'll do something about it, even if my mom won't. She has a lot of stress because now my dad is pushing her to bring money in the house, despite the fact he won't be happy even if she does. She gotten a job before and my dad yelled at her, claiming that the house has gotten too messy, even though the prick is too lazy to actually help her with anything. My dad doesn't really bother her a lot. He just decides to yell at her if he's having stress or something. When he does though, I tell him off. My mom ignores the fact that everyone walks all over her and chooses to do something else. My mom is in her 40s and she has told me that she really wants to go to Paris. If I could get money I'd like to take her, but I'm sort of worried that may never happen. See she has been smoking since she was 13 and she drinks a lot of Pepsi because apparently it's the only thing she can drink. I know that's a lie because she can drink grape juice but she claims it's too expensive and pepsi is a lot cheaper, even though it's only like a dollar cheaper. She doesn't get much exercise, instead choosing to sit around the house. My mom has a bit of weight and she's not obese. The sad thing is that I can tell her I care about her, I can tell her I worry about her, and I can give her advice about the situation, no matter what she chooses not to listen to me. She never listens to me. I'm trying to help her and yet she refuses it. I have yelled at her a lot because it's very frustrating to talk to someone who simply won't listen. I've been getting counselling because I have depression and anxiety. My counsellor tells me that I'm worrying too much about my family and that I should leave their problems to themselves. She told me to focus on myself and focus on solving my problems. For someone like me, that's not easy. My mom's not a horrible person but she has done things in my life to make me hate her. I do care about her, she just doesn't accept it. So I've just been thinking I should take my counsellors advice and focus on my problems. The whole reason I wrote this is because my mom told me she wants to go to Paris and I'm just scared she might get sick or worse, die before she gets the chance to go.

Answer 1

Yeah, you were right about most things in your question (especially the part about it being long) But more importantly, I hope you will take your councillors advice about focusing on yourself. At 17 that is EXACTLY what you should be doing.

You are also right where you said that working on changing yourself is difficult. But as difficult as it may seem, you should know that working on someone else's problems when they don't want to listen to your advice is IMPOSSIBLE!

Also here's something else to think about. You may be confusing the feelings of anger you have toward your mom with the word hate. Of course you don't hate your mom. But your feelings of anger toward her for her bad choices in her life are purely justified, especially the ones that have so adversely affected you.

You said that you don't know how to care about your mom anymore, but after reading everything you had to say, I think that you may be faced with the exact opposite problem, where you seem to not know how to stop caring so much about your mom to the point that it is making you sick.

Answer 2

I can see what is happening. The counselor is making you think more about your situation and relationship with your mum that you would not have thought of before. This can come out as resentment. Basically your mum is being bullied by her husband and because of this she has lost self esteem. She is allowing everyone to bully her because she doesn't know how to fight back, including her kids. She thinks everyone has it in for her and that is why she doesn't believe you care. Be persistent. Yelling at her gets nowhere, it is part of the bullying cycle and in her head she reverts to "I am the little girl that everyone bullies and this is part of it". Her dream to go to Paris is the escape she needs. Her freedom. Show her respect by helping around the house and speaking to her kindly. Start asking her opinions on things that are important to you such as study or plans for the future. When she sees you are asking her opinion it means that you are trusting her opinion and judgement. In a way your counselor is right though. You have to lead your life for you. It doesn't mean you don't care for her, but make sure you are OK first and then everyone else is.

Answer 3

I understand, I had the same type of feeling about my mom growing up.  I am now all grown up and my mom passed away last year.  Our relationship never became spectacular, but we did get closer as I matured, married and began to understand her and life more.  Your councellor is correct that this is a time for you to focus on yourself.  At 17, your future is about to open up in front of you and you need to be ready.  Your mom will always love you and you will love her.  Find ways to go out and have time together, nice cafe or movies.  Just be there for her.  Your relationship with your parents will go through growth spurts and flat spots as you grow up, have kids of your own, etc.  Don't worry too much.  Hugs!

Answer 4

Well, personally if I were your mother I would pack my bags and go to the nearest motel just to get away from the whole family. Sounds like she can't do anything right to please any of you. And where do you think you have the right to yell at your Mother? So you don't like some of the things she does, I'll bet there are a lot of things you do that make her very unhappy. I think you need to stop thinking so much about yourself and give your mother a break.

Your counselor is wrong. You need to learn to live your mother unconditional and stop the nit-picking. We all make mistakes.

If you want your Mother to be happy, then start helping her more, appreciate her more and be there for her. I think you all are very selfish and you have a wonderful mother. Start loving her instead of finding fault.

Answer 5

You have a lot to contend with, don't you?  If a person doesn't help themselves, there's nothing you can do about it.  The only thing that will happen if you worry is stress you out.  Does it help you that you worry?  No, of course not.  Does it help anyone else when you worry?  No again.  You need to focus on the things you can change and leave the rest alone.  

I certainly understand you getting mad at your mom.  My mom still does some things that make me mad and she's in her 80's.  It never goes away and it always stays the same so you need to learn to "pick your battles" and ignore the rest.  Decide what you are going to focus on and work on making that work.  

I hope I've help you.

Answer 6

If your going to write something so long then use paragraphs

Answer 7

Honey, the only person who can change your Mom is Mom. No matter how hard you try it's not going to help. Until the time comes that she's had enough, there is not much you can do. Be there for her when she needs someone to talk to or lean on.Continue to let her know you love her.

I've been going through this with my youngest daughter for 10 years. Her husband is a drunk and a jerk. Doesn't work and is usually abusive to her and my grand kids when he is drinking. Doesn't physically hurt the kids but his mouth could cut a tree down when it gets started. he does get physical with my daughter. I have gone after the grand kids hundreds of times during this time just so they can have a good nights sleep and be ready for school the next day. I keep hearing, I'm going to leave him but she never does. Always the same old excuse. He's straightening up. Never does.

Answer 8

It sounds like you just hate the situation.  Is her husband your dad?  And I've never been in this situation, but I've seen it alot.  I always think "why don't you call the cops?"  when your mom, or whoever, is being physically harmed.  You can even do it anonymously, tell the cops to say a neighbor called.  Cuz once they show up, if there is any evidence, they have to take the guy away.  And they are trained in how to handle the situation so that the guy can't blame your mom.  If your not willing to do this, you have less than a year to get out and get a job and go to school.  But I'm sure you'd still be just as worried about mom.  

Answer 9

Look your councilor is a tard for telling you not to worry about your family and she gave birth to you she could have had an abortion you dont have to like her just make sure you love her. oh and your family ( without dad) could stay at a relatives house til they can afford an apartment. hope i helped :)

Answer 10

It is sad.   : (

When I was a teen I lived through a situation like that, although my dad was hit us. What you really have to understand that this is the life your mom and dad chose to live. This is their relationship, not yours and their responsibility, too. We cannot live other peoples' lives. Otherwise how would they learn what they have to? You are not your mom's caretaker. You are her son. At best, her friend. Of course you care and love your mom, but you have to love and live your life too. You probably feel lots of anxiety about your mom dying. She is ok, Sweetie. She will live many more years. And probably more than to go to Paris, what she wants is for you all to be ok, happy and to able to have a nice future.  

We all have something to hate about our parents. They are not perfect, like their parents were not perfect, and so on. And surely we won't be perfect parents either. Just put the past behind you cause you cannot change it. What is over, is over. And if you de-stress yourself, it will help with the "vibe" in the house too.

You are 17 and you have your whole life to live. Now what you have to do is to concentrate in your future, school and to choose a profession which can make you happy. This phase will pass. I left my parent's home when I was 23. Back them I invited my mom to come to live with me. I understood that it was their relationship when she declined and decided to stay with my dad. They are still together after all these years. Hey! Family relations do really get better when people get older. People calm down and get more mature with age.

If the house is a mess, do not worry. People being happy and relaxed is more important than a messy house. You keep your stuff organized and clean and when you have your own space, you can fix it the way you want to.  

: )