I don't know how to speak to my Dad, Please help....?

Question

Well I'm 13 nearly 14 and my Dad doesn't live with me. When I was 4 my dad moved out and was with his affair partner as soon as he moved out. To make matters worse and to make my mum more heartbroken then she actually was, my dad and his partner tried to take the house and put me and my mum in a council house and take my mums new car. Obviously his plans didn't work but the pain he caused was unbelievable. He moved close by and I used to go see him 3-4 times a week. But when i was nine, he moved 4 hours away up north. I absolutely love it up north but i had to stay down south with my mum (not that i wanted to live with him) I now only see him every 4 months for 1-2 weeks at a time, even though he promised to see me every fortnight. But every 2-3 weeks I get down and sometimes really depressed. When i go to see him I cant speak to him, because Rachel (Woman he had the affair with, now the wife) is constantly with him. She won't let me have ANY time with him on my own. I love him so much and I don't even know why, because when I go there i find out loads and loads of stuff about him that i should know. He also had 2 children with Rachel, 5 and 3. When i go up there i feel as though I'm watching the family, not actually in the family. And I don't like to admit it, but I'm jealous of my two sisters for having time with dad and he pays more attension to them even when im there.....

Thank you so much for reading me going on and on! But please help me, and give me tips on how to work this out! Laura xxxxxxxx

Answer 1

I feel so sorry,Laura T I think you should ask your Dad if you and he could have an afternoon out together, then tell him your problems, he sounds a good man, and I'm sure he will understand your dilemma!

Answer 2

First, I am sorry for your pain.  When parents break up, the whole family suffers.  Try to separate out those issues that belong to your parents and those that specifically relate to you.  It is the ones that affect you directly that you can address.  I see those issues as follows:

1.  You see him only every 4 months even though the promise was that you would see him every two weeks.  

2. When you do see him, you want some special one on one time with him without the other children and without Rachel.

3.  You feel like an outsider when you are there; that your father appears to want to spend more time with the younger children.

Why don't you take time to write a thoughtful letter to your Dad outlining your concerns.  May I suggest that if you do so, avoid blaming him, Rachel or the younger children.  Rather, tell him that you miss your Dad and it is natural that you want to be with him too. Also, avoid bringing out the problems between your Dad and Mom because there are always two sides to a situation and you may only know your Mom's point of view.  Why not try to say something like this in your letter to Dad:

Dear Dad,

Although it has been ten years since you lived with me and Mom, I continue to miss you.  It is important for me to spend time with you, more frequently than we do.  I know that I see you every four months for 1-2 weeks, however, the original agreement was that we would see each other and spend time together every two weeks. Dad, sometimes I am really depressed about it and cannot help but feel abandoned by you, my parent.

Right now, too much time passes by and I want to be able to share with you, more frequently, the things that happen in my life.  I want to be able to continue to bond with you, get to know you better and do some special things, just the two of us, father and his oldest daughter.

I feel sometimes, that Rachel does not appear to want you and I to have alone time together.  I think that it is not too much to ask to spend an afternoon doing something together, just the two of us, every two weeks.  I want to get to know my younger siblings too, but I can't help but feel that you pay more attention to them, even when I am there.  Maybe we could do some things as a family group and somethings one on one as Father and Daughter.  Don't you think that is fair?

Dad, the day will come when I am in my twenties when I will either be working or going to school and there won't be the same opportunities for us to get together.  That is why it is so important for us to be doing this now.  I know that you would not want to one day regret that time slipped by and moments together were lost.

Answer 3

Oh dear you are in a pickle aren't you?   Growing up is painful enough at the best of times but when you love your Dad as much as you do and he seems to ignore you, it is so difficult.

I don't have any magic answers but what I can do is to make a few suggestions that may help.

When a man and woman fall in love, marry and have children, this is only the beginning.   Being a parent is a hard job - you are given no guidelines on how to be a parent let alone a good one and so it is, they do make mistakes and in some cases, lots of them.   I know I did and I was on my own bringing up two boys.  

Just because relationships break down, it is a shame that it is the children who get caught up in the middle.   They seem to think it is their fault their parents part company when in reality, it is nothing of the kind.   Thankfully neither of my sons were used as pawns because their father was not in the least bit interested and so it was, their family life was allowed to be on an even keel.   Yours on the other hand is all topsy-turvy, you are jealous of your half sisters because they have quality time with their father but you don't.

Do you have an aunt or a grandparent or a friend of the family who could act as a mediator between you and your father?   Could that person talk to your father and urge him to make time for you that is yours and his only on a regular basis?   He probably does not realise how you feel about him or how lost you feel now that he has moved away from the area in which you live.   You have only to watch programmes like Jeremy Kyle to see how painful it is for lots of families when parents split up.   So by involving someone you know well to speak on your behalf, perhaps something positive can result.

You love your father because he is your Dad.   When you visit him, get to know the two children and try not to resent them because in a way, they are a link with your Dad.   If he sees you want to get along with them, he may be glad you visit.   Please don't be jealous of them - it is not their fault.   Make a fuss of them, find things that cost little and take them with you and just enjoy spending time with them.  

As for your Mum, remember she is always there for you.   Learn to appreciate her more.   Get her bunch of flowers or a box of chocolates that need not cost a lot of money, put a nice card in with them and say something like "I love you Mum and I appreciate you lots", then sign it.   If she asks why you are doing this, just tell her you want her to have a treat too.   Go out together not as mother and daughter but as friends.   Have a cup of tea, or take a picnic or go window-shopping.  Just have a nice time together and get to know one another as people.  

I had a wonderful relationship with my own Mum - she is dead now.  We laughed at the same things, we both had a warped sense of humour and fun but it was the bond that existed between us that was so precious and you will find the same with your own Mum.   She has been treated shabbily by your father but Life goes on and it is to be hoped she too will find happiness once again.

I do hope my ideas will help you a little.   Just be patient with yourself, be glad you have both a Mum and a Dad even if your father is not as good at being a Dad to you.   Tell him you love him and if he responds the same way, this is a bonus but don't expect him to tell you because it may not be his way.   What is important is that you are telling him and one day, he will realise you mean it.

Be of good heart, be brave and learn to count your blessings.

Answer 4

hello, I am a mum whose daughter is in a similar situation to yours and alls I can say is, that you should write him a letter telling him how you feel.  If you are worried that his wife might read it, try to find out where he works and send the letter there.  Also I am a step parent and it is so hard feeling like you are on the outside of some family gig.  I don't have all the answers for you, because you will only find them from your dad, but try writing him a letter and one day show him this post, it will show that you are trying to have a father/daughter relationship with him, despite your shared past.  Take care laura and you sound like a very sensible and savvy girl.  x*x bette

Answer 5

Hi Laura, the best thing to do is to phone your daddy and talk to him privately and explain how you feel and what thoughts are going through your mind just like you explained to us.

Hopefully he will be understanding and meet you without making his other family be with you.

Answer 6

Hi Laura,

If you feel that you really want to stay in touch with your Dad

I think you should write to him in the first instance. Tell him what is upsetting you. If and when you get a reply you will need to sit down and work out if what he has to say does actually make you feel any better. You could ask him to come down on his own to visit you?

if his response is not what you want to hear, then maybe you should think about whether all the upset that he is causing you is actually worth it!! Sometimes a clean break is the only answer. Can you and have you talked to your Mum about all this?  

Answer 7

take  your  dad  to  lunch

Answer 8

Sweetie,

Your story sounds so familiar, have you written in before?

I have a beginning of a poem and maybe if you like it you can finish it or whatever.  My daughters had the same experience only their dad moved to another side of the us. He's like an uncle, not a dad at all.

          I Wish I Had Magical Words,

          That Could Touch Your heart,

          Without  Being heard.

           I Started To Grow Up Before

           Your Very Eyes, But You Left

           Me And Didn't See How

           I Blossom  And Grown.

           I Call You Dad

           But I Don't Really Know

           Who You  Are?

           And The Same For Me Too.

           Can't We Take Time Out

            To Touch Each Others Hearts,

            And Place Precious Memories

            There  That Will Never Part.

            Teens Have Their Wishes

             And If Mine Would Come True

             We Would Have Special Days

             Spending Hours With You!!

             Love You Dad, LauraXXXXX