I don't know what to do with my fiance' these days.?

Question

We have been dating for about 1 year and 4 months now and I have known him since the 5th grade. I love him very, very much, but we see a lot of things differently. No problem, but when he gets mad that I don't care that there are g*y people or I don't the rules of the religion he would like to go into, he gets bent out of shape. I've had talked to him about this many times, but it continues. There are things in our relationship that seem one sided, both because of me and him. I don't talk to certain people because he feels uncomfortable about it (mind you I told him I would do this, he didn't TELL me too), but theres this girl (his "brothers" girlfriend) that calls him to talk and I don't like it. I told him I wish she wouldn't call and he freaked out!!! Then there are things that I do, that I don't want him too (Ex. He says that when I do things, I don't think about his reaction/feelings). He is always trying to get me to talk to my adoptive family and I just don't care too. He has a couple of times mentioned the fact that I am overweight or that I should eat better. I REALLY don't know what to do. I love him, but is this healthy?

Answer 1

this is not healthy. if there are issues that u guys cannot get past and there seems to be no way around them then its probably best to cut ur losses now rather than get married anyway and have a bunch of kids then get divorced. good luck girl!!! i know its tuff to hear and tuffer to do.

Answer 2

He sounds insecure and immature.  If you have to worry about his feelings and he doesn't care about yours it is not healthy.  

Answer 3

It doesn't sound healthy. You both sound a little inflexible.

It also sounds like you two don't share the same values. It's possible to love someone whose values are different from yours, but it isn't possible to have a happy marriage with someone whose values are so different. I'm sorry, but it's true. You would eventually lose respect for him and then lose your love for him, or you would eventually lose your respect for yourself. And if you plan on having children, it will be very difficult to raise them with values you believe in when you have someone working just as hard to instill opposing values.

Just some things to think about.

Answer 4

Wow...

You sound a lot like me.

My fiance also talks about my weight on a few occasions.

Him and I are VERY different and we often have a hard time finding middle ground, but through each fight, or each talk, we make progress. I have a "rules of fighting" list, which help us to communicate.

You can also do something similar to help work out agreements and understandings between the two of you. We use ours like a contract, we have signed it.

It is hard, but I have found it all to be totally worth it, for us the good outweight the bad.

Rules Of Fighting

We, as a loving couple in a long-term relationship, agree...

1.  Not to mention, use, threaten, or fall back on the idea of divorce or separation after starting the discussion.

-Once the discussion is opened, it is understood that this is a permanent relationship and that divorce is not considered, except in the event of entirely new, utterly divorce-worthy information.

-To make decisions about the next step realizing that there is love worth protecting and not just personal pride.



2.  To be honest with ourselves first and then with each other.

-To internally consider and then tell the whole truth of one’s feelings.

-Not to mask feelings and hide thoughts for the sake of pride, to be utterly honest.

-Not to use hateful expressions or hurtful language and insults.

-Especially not to lie to ourselves and each other by exaggerating or hiding the truth, or choosing “the best” parts to tell.

3.  To try, at all costs of self and pride, to believe and understand that the other person is telling the truth according to #2.

-To believe that their words are honest, unexaggerated, and said in love.

-To attempt to view the situation from the position of what the other is saying.

-To only disagree by using honest responses.

-To realize that we could both be wrong.

4. To walk away and take a break if anger takes over and destroys the discussion.

-Not to shout or curse (f#@$, b*@&#, "you're crazy", a$$ h*l*, jerk, stupid etc—any offensive expressions or names) and to apologize when this does happen.

-To realize our anger and stop before saying things we don’t mean.

-To always return to the discussion when the anger is manageable again.

-Not to rush to the end because of impatience.

5. To end this discussion by both agreeing together that they are done and what the next step is.

-Realize that this might take time to do, but is necessary.

-Remember that true love requires self-sacrifice.

Answer 5

I agree, counseling could really help you guys out.  Sometimes you just need that third party to tell you how it is and what you should do to fix it.

Answer 6

Sign up for pre-marital counseling.  A good one, like one that lasts a weekend.  This is not a healthy situation, perhaps both of you can mature and move forward after some help.  I would not be setting a date yet.

Answer 7

Simply ask yourself... Is this how I want to live the rest of my life?  You will have your answer.

Love should be sweet, kind, and understanding.  The person you spend the rest of your life with is someone who you should be able to compromise with, someone who puts your needs and wants before there own (remember this goes both ways).  This should be your "go to" person, who calms you, reassures you, is your rock.  

If you can honestly answer that this person you are with is all of these things to you, and that you are these things to him... you will have your answer.

Good luck.