I don't want FMIL to throw me a shower. Why does she think I am the bad guy?

Question

I already had a bridal shower that really was just for my family and friends. FMIL decided that she wanted to throw me a shower to meet her family and friends. I'm not interested, frankly. I told FMIL thanks, but no thanks. I told her I am not good with strangers, that I would feel like I was a trick pony on display, that I felt I would have to show off my ring and act the part of the blushing bride and answer a lot of personal questions I don't want to answer and that aren't anyone's business anyway. She thinks I am an awful person for this and that I clearly am favoring my family by only having the one shower which was heavily attended by my side of the family. I think it is best to set boundaries and guidelines with this woman. I also refuse to compromise who I am and eat a lot of finger sandwiches and make meaningless and annoying small talk with old biddies.

Answer 1

Am I reading this correctly that you had a shower for your friends and family but did not invite your FMIL?  To me that is a major mistake... She will become your family and should be treated as such.

Suck it up - enjoy the party.  No one is asking you to convert religions or switch political parties.  They just want you to come and let them be excited about you and your FH upcoming wedding.

Answer 2

You go girl! I agree that you have to set boundaries now or you will be dragged to every old biddy event under the sun. If you don't want another bridal shower, you don't have to have one. There is no law that says that  you HAVE to let MIL introduce you to her friends. They are HER friends, not yours. You will most likely never see these womem again in your life and they most likely are not going to the wedding. Doesn't your FMIL have daughters? Let her throw showers for them and if not, oh well. That's what happens when you are the FMIL. You show up, shut up and wear beige. Too bad most FMILS don't seem to know that.

Answer 3

Wow...you were incredibly rude to your FMIL, or "this woman" as you like to call her (also rude!!). Those "old biddies" are your fiance's family, why wouldn't you want to meet them?

Going to another shower would not compromise who you are. Please, get over yourself! She was trying to do something nice so you can meet his side of the family.

My MIL threw me a shower for my fiance's side of the family and it was wonderful. It was nice to meet everyone before the wedding.  

Answer 4

Tradition states that EACH side of the family throws a shower for the couple. If you consider your soon-to-be family strangers then a shower sounds like a great idea. If you're so dead set against it then you ought, at the least, to suggest a different activity. These people have just as much of a right to celebrate as your family does. If you only wanted one shower, why didn't you invite both sides of the family?

I agree that you need to set boundaries, however that does not mean you should shut her out of your life. Marriage isn't just between you and your fiance, any more than you exist in a vacuum. If this is how you're treating her now, how are you going to treat her when you're a full member of her family (since you apparently don't consider yourself part of her family now).

Unless you have mitigating circumstances to describe, I would have to say that the reason she thinks you're the bad guy is that you are.

Answer 5

This whole thing makes me sad for your FMIL =(

Being the mother of the groom is not easy.  And to have a FDIL that is not interested in anything you want to do for her...well, that's very sad also.

I'm so glad that I love my FMIL as if she were my own mother.  I can't imagine being this way with her.  If she watned to throw me a party, I would gladly sit there like a pony on display because it'll make her happy.

I feel really bad for your FMIL =(

Answer 6

Hahaha.  I love that you are sticking to your guns!

Was she and your fiance's side of the family invited to you shower?  If so, I personally don't see a need for another.  

If you are not comfortable with it at all, then you shouldn't have one and she should understand that.  You are not being mean but you are expressing what is comfortable and not for you.  I would simply tell her no and why and then leave it at that.  You can't control what she thinks, so don't even try.

Answer 7

i agree with most the others and i dont mean to sound mean or judgementle with what im about to say but i know from experiance the way you treat you mother in law and family now will determine if you have a probomatic future ahead of you first off i dont understand why couples do seperate partys for their familys in my opiniion it should be one huge party with evryone on both sides invited thats part of what it means in getting married two family becoming one if the first party was strickly for you and your family you really should have another one with your husbands family otherwise there will absoulutly be alot of hurt and resentmet through his whole family not just his mom so i would suggest sucking it up a bit (another thing with marrige compromise...) let her have the celebration with all the people important to her and her son but have your twist on it do it somewhere your comfotable your house or something dont do finger sandwiches do a a bbq if thats more your stlye order pizza sit in the living room all these people wont or shouldnt be strangers for long there only strangers because you havent gotten to know them you have to be willing to go out of your comfort zone it wont always be like that  get a few more family get togethers under your belt and eventally it will just feel like a family gathering not a HIS  side of the family get together  congratulations on your marriage i wish you luck it sounds like your going to need it...

Answer 8

I think it's good of you to stand for what you believe.

Maybe you could include her in something else in the wedding, so she won't feel completely abandoned. I'm not saying turn over full reign to her, but something, even if it's small.

You're not awful for turning down a party. Think of the money and time you're saving her.

So what if you favor your side of the family--you are related to them and you know them better. :)

Good Luck and God Bless!

Answer 9

She wants to throw you a shower to introduce you to the people who are about to become your family.

Stop acting like an ungrateful brat! You are marrying into his family.

Hopefully your future husband knows how awful you are acting so he can run the other way!

Answer 10

WOW!! and your husband is marrying you because...??? Can we say "Bridezilla"???

This is his mother. Your future mother in law. You ARE the bad guy here. How would you feel if your fiance totally shut your mother out like that? Apologize fast! She is going to be in your life for a long time, dont burn any bridges now!

I dont particularly care for my MIL, but I let her and her church throw us a bridal shower. You dont have to be rude to EVERYONE that is trying to do something nice for you just because you dont agree with them.

I too have had to set boundaries with my MIL about religion and MY family, but we both act like adults (something you are obviously struggling with) and compromise... because she is my hubby's mother and that fact is not going to change any time soon.

Answer 11

You are becoming a member of this lady's family and MUST allow her an opportunity introduce you to her family and social circle. It's not about YOU dear, it's about FAMILY. If you don't wish for your new family to dismiss as a mannerless, selfish brat then I suggest that you apologize to this lady perhaps explaining that you spoke in haste, feeling a little panic at the thought of meeting so many strangers at once. Then thank her for her generosity in hosting a party for you, act as if you are delighted by whatever refreshements she may choose to serve, and attempt to make a good impression on both guests and host. Common courtesy requires that one sometimes "compromise who I am" -- those times being occaisions when one's natural impulse is selfish rudeness.

I further suggest that you ask this lady to give you a luncheon or tea, rather than a shower. It's not quite proper to host a shower for members of your own family; to cynical observers it looks greedy. Besides, that will cut down on the number of thank you notes or letters that you will (as a mannerly young lady rather than spoiled brat) promptly handwrite on plain (no preprinted message) letter paper or note cards.  

Answer 12

If your first bridal shower included your friends and family and did not include your groom's 1/2 of the wedding list then it is appropriate to attend a bridal shower your future mother-in-law put together for her & her husband's family.  As much of a hassle as it will be for you - and trust me, I completely understand- it is a hassle, it is now neccessary to attend in order to make your wedding run smoothly.  You don't want to start off on the wrong foot with his family.  By declining the invite, you're not only offending her but you're also telling the other half of your family that you don't want them in your lives... just at your wedding.  And that's a tough pill to swallow.

I hate being put in akward social situations like that too but sometimes it's best. Marriage is a lot of give and take (I'm learning) and this is a good example.  It is good advice to set boundaries but showers are harmless.

Answer 13

Sorry, but you're being a jerk. Your FMIL is right. You're treating your husband's family pretty poorly. I guess you don't realize this, but by marrying your fiance, you are about to become a member of that family. What a bad foot to start out on.

Answer 14

Well any female guest invited to the wedding should have been invited to your shower.  That is just proper etiquette.  If some guest were left out it is understandable that she wants another shower.  and not only is it for you, but its for her.  To show you off, she must be happy!  It may be awkward but its one day that would make her happy.

Howa bout a couples shower soy our fiance will be there with you?  

Answer 15

You are SO ungrateful.  Meet the family, they will also be yours someday, unless you continue this behaviour, in which case you might not even get to the altar!  

Yes it might be uncomfortable, but deal with it.  Ask if your mom can come too, or if your MOH or even fiance could come, to help introduce you, to take some of the pressure off of you, and let them field some of the questions.

If I were you, I'd run back to FMIL and apologize PROFUSELY.  You seem shallow and callous, and I bet that FHIL hasn't seen this side of you.

Dress up nice, bring some emotional support (of your choosing), maybe request hor d'oeuvres of some kind instead of finger sandwiches.  Make it fun for you and memorable for her as well.  You seem to think this wedding is only about you and what you want, and in some situations (the dress, for example) this is true.  Just think of how your mother feels, and how proud she was to throw a wedding shower for you.  This is what FMIL feels like.  Would you tell your mother that you didn't want a shower for all of the reasons stated above?  

...no?

Well you shouldn't do it to FMIL either!

FMIL is right.  You are favouring your side of the family, and you aren't allowing their side to take part in the festivities and celebrate the marriage of their beloved son.  Shame on you.

EDIT:  I just saw your additional info.  It isn't your MOH's fault they weren't invited.  She probably should have thought of them, but you also should have requested it.

You're even more selfish now that you've had a work shower as well, but won't have one with your future hubby's side of the family.  It may seem 'okay' to you or your friends, but take a look at the high rated answers, and you'll see just how many people really think you are being ridiculous.

Answer 16

I'm sorry to say it, but I agree with your FMIL..

At least yours would like you to get to know the family better and is kind enough to think of throwing you a shower.  My husband's family didn't even bother and only my MIL and SILs showed up for my bridal shower.

I would just suck it up - it's only one evening, maximum 4 hours of your time and it would keep the peace.

Answer 17

This is an event where 2 families come together.  Lots of people don't like showers, but that's the deal.  I think it was inconsiderate of you to tell her no.  You're really not going to have lots of time at the wedding to meet these people.  You barely get enough time to talk to anyone at a reception.  Apologize.  Go to the shower.  Maybe ask if you can bring a friend or your mom with you so that you feel more comfortable.

Answer 18

i get that you aren't interested, and i completely understand.

but trust me, life is hard enough without setting up obstacles for yourself.

your MIL will be a big part of your life, and there will be plenty of other occasions where you don't want to do something. suck it up. that's what family is about. just think of all the family reunions, thanksgivings, other weddings, etc. that you will now be attending as part of this new family.

just do the party to make her happy. it's just one compromise that will make life a lot easier for you down the road. trust me!

Answer 19

good for you for standing up to her! that takes alot of guts to stand up to your FMIL! the fact of the matter is that its your day and its what yyou want not what your MIL wants...i have the same problem except my mother in law HATES me and shes pissed im getting married to her son but we live together and have a daughter so i guess she will just get over it!

Answer 20

You are being really selfish and bratty.  Hate to break the news to you.  What does it hurt to let her throw you a shower too?  Did it every occur to you that maybe she wants to do it becasue she is proud and excited that you are marrying her son and wants to show you off and show you how much she cares about you? The mother in laws like to be able to help with wedding stuff too and feel important.  I am planning a wedding right now too and I understand about all the formalities of it that aren't that fun but you could at least try to be greatful that your FH's family already cares so much about you.  My fiance and I are from different states and both our mom's are throwing showers so all the family members on both sides can come.  I am so apprecaitive and greatful that my FMIL is going through all the trouble to plan such a nice shower.  And how could you not even invite her to your last shower if it was the only one you planned to have?  That is not a good foot to start out on with your new family.

Answer 21

If she's trying to throw you a shower to meet people and get gifts, I agree that's a little tacky.  I set a specific list of people I wanted at my shower.  My in-laws were inviting a ton of people to the wedding that I didn't know.  While that was a bone of contention between us, I didn't think them buying me gifts was proper at all.  (I actually didn't want a shower at all - I wasn't comfortable with ANYBODY buying me gifts. They shouldn't have to, or feel they have to...)  And it was not pleasant to walk into a shower for me with my MIL saying, "This is the bride-to-be."  

However, you do sound a little unforgiving here.  A get-together for the sake of meeting the people is a GOOD idea.  I actually insisted on it before my wedding.  These people are going to be your family.  "Play nice."  Why not decline the shower (again, strangers buying you gifts isn't right) but ask if she can hold a "meet-and-greet" type of party.  Yes, you will have to show your ring and be introduced to everybody.  These people are NOT "strangers" they're FAMILY.  That's something you're going to have to get VERY used to VERY quickly.

FYI:  There's a difference in compromising your morals and having morals.  Nobody is going to force you to eat finger sandwiches.  But being polite to "old biddies" is respectful.

You seem young.  You have a lot to learn.

Answer 22

Um, yeah, your FMIL and his family should have been invited to your shower. They are going to be your family soon.  I think you are rude to not let her throw you one so she can feel included.  My MIL and SIL were invited to mine.  I would have never have thought to not invite them.  Grow up and stop being selfish.

Answer 23

You MIL is right, you're being pretty selfish.  Remember, this is your husband's wedding too & his family is now your family.  There are far greater tragedies in life than letting your MIL throw a party in your honor & you smiling & making small talk for 2 hours.

Two hours of making nice or a lifetime of resentment.  Your choice.  

Answer 24

just do it. it's only a couple hours of your life. do it for your fiance!

Answer 25

Oh my gosh! This is absolutely heartbreaking! Your future mother in law is proud of you and wants to do something nice for you, she wants to help you become a part of the family, and you "aren't interested"?

What's wrong with you? Do you understand how many women would give their left foot to feel loved and accepted by their husbands family?

Answer 26

Gosh - you are rude!  I sure hope you weren't that rude to you future mother in law!  She's trying to do something nice for you and provide you an opportunity to meet the family you are marrying into - I think you should reconsider.  Surely you do realize her family is also your future husband's family?  And that there will be family gatherings that you will need to attend in the future?  You aren't going to be giving a good impression to your future family at all.  And I'm sure that you are just setting yourself up for a miserable releationship with your mother in law.  I'd reconsider and not be such a witch about it if I were you.