Security experts and federal government authorities
warn that offspring of the dangerous e-mail virus are
now on the loose. As a public service, we present the
following list of "I Love You" variations and how to
recognize them:
The "I Love You, But I'm Shy" virus never actually
invades your computer but collects data about it
worshipfully from afar.
The "Unrequited Love" virus causes your computer to be
so obsessed with a virus it can never have that it can
no longer function.
The "Love The One You're With" virus hangs around your
computer, but the whole thing is just temporary until
it can find the computer that it really wants to
invade.
The "Can't We Just Be Friends" virus makes your
computer think it's interested in invading. Then, just
when your computer is getting excited about the
invasion, it breaks off the connection with your
computer, dashing its hard drive against the rocks.
The "One Night Stand" virus invades your computer,
turns its hard drive upside down, then disappears
after promising to come back some time. But it
leaves a twenty in your online bank account.
The "Happily Married" virus invades only one computer
and stays with it for life.
The "Unhappily Married" virus spends a long time
negotiating with a computer, finally invades it, and
then strays to other computers from time to time.
The "I Can't Commit" virus hangs around a computer for
a long time and frequently sends messages that it
intends to invade, but is really just interested in
playing with your computer's data.
The "It's Just A Physical Thing" virus invades your
computer on a regular basis, but no meaningful data is
ever exchanged.
The "I Want A Divorce" virus sends repeated,
hard-to-read messages that your computer is never
turned on, then finally leaves. But it returns some
time later and takes half of your computer's best data
in an ugly network session.
The "Stalker" virus spends unnatural amounts of time
monitoring your computer, collecting data your
computer has thrown away and trying to record its
most intimate functions.
The "Forever Single" virus causes your computer to
focus solely on other computers that are totally
incompatible with it.
The "Deadbeat Dad" virus invades your computer, spawns
an entirely new database, then refuses to help update
it as it grows.
The "Married Too Long" virus splits your PC into two
partitions that never interface - one that does too
much online shopping and one that never does anything
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