I posted another question on here the other day, but I realised I needed to give more detail. So I am asking another question.
I have recently been questioning my mental state. I don't think I'm 'going mad' or 'losing it', but I am concerned. I have lots of issues, all of which I am going to mention very briefly here.
When I was a child, aged 6-7, I was sexually abused by my sister's father, for about 4 years. I never told. When we lived with him, we endured a life of domestic violence and poverty. We left, moved away and my mum met a new man. He put us through mental, emotional and financial abuse. I saw through it, but was a voice unheard.
After a few years of this, my two cousins died, and this prompted my mum to leave her husband and move us back to be near the family. I was so low, I was unable to get out of bed to attend college most days. My whole family was devastated, so were unable to support each other.
Anyway, we had moved and were starting from scratch. Then, my mum found out she had cancer, and it was terminal. 10 months later she passed away.
My siblings and I were split up. My brother was winding out of control, drugs, fights, alcohol and homeless. He was later diagnosed as a Manic Depressive, and is now on the road to recovery.
My two sisters went to live with my grandparents, and I remained in my mums council property alone. I am the oldest. After some friction, my middle sister came and lived with me. And moved out a year later with her boyfriend.
All 3 of my siblings have attempted suicide. When my middle sister took one, it caused me to have a mini break down and I was referred by my GP to get some Bereavment Counselling. This was nearly 2 years ago.
Since then it has emerged that the realtionship my sister was in was a violent one, and her ex partner assualted her last week and the police attitude towards that was disgusting. Because she is suicidal, they arrested her and kept her in a cell for 9 hours, then referred her to a mental health ward. She was terrified. She is only 19. I came and got her and took her from the hospital. The next day, I took time off work to assist her to the GP and to see her support workers. So I've had that worry.
I've just come out of an emotionally and psychologically abusive relationship. I know this because I work in this field, and can now identify it.
I had an abortion 18 months ago, I wanted to continue with the pregnancy but my ex didn't. My ex cheated on me last year, I stuck by him. 6 weeks after this, he had a motorbike accident and nearly died. He was in hospital for nearly 6 weeks, and it took him 6 months to walk without the aid of a walking stick. Despite my fulltime job, I helped nurse him back to good health. This year he cheated again, and I left 4 months ago.
The abuser from my childhood has come back on the scene, is trying to make contact with his daughters.
I have been feeling generally very low, and sometimes I feel like I can't get out of bed in the morning, even though I'm getting more than enough sleep. Sometimes I feel as high as a kite and I am really happy, and the next I am incredibly low. There doesn't seem to be an inbetween. And often, I feel ok, but I know I'n not, it that makes sense?
I have lost half a stone recently and it has worried me because maybe I haven't been eating, and haven't noticed?? I used to have a social phobia, and it was really hard to live with, but thankfully that hasn't come back.
I have only 1 friend who knows about all of the above, I have trust issues, so although I have many friends, its hard for me to open up with them completely. She thinks I am minimising things when I say things aren't that bad, and that what has happened over my life isn't that bad.
Problem is, I know I'm not dealing with things, I'm kind of hiding it all. Pretending it will all go away. And I can't do it much longer. I want to open up, but I don't know how to. I don't know where to start. And I don't think my stuff is that much of a big deal, I know people who have led much worse lives.
But there is a problem with not accepting or dealing with what I have experienced. I am only 21, but feel about 35. Where has my youth gone?
Thank you for reading.
Tags: