I feel envious. Am I wrong and selfish?

Question

I am due December 13, 2008 with my second child. We had two miscarriages in between my 15 month old daughter and this baby. Everyone is excited about this baby's arrival, especially at the prospect of the baby being a boy.

My husband and I just found out today that our 19 year old nephew and his girlfriend are expecting. Their due date is December 24, 2008. Our nephew is employed part-time, but they both live in my SIL's basement. They don't have a place of their own, and neither of them are fit to be parents. They have been together for 4 years, but she's only 17. Neither have finished high school and both are lazy.

I feel envious that I now have to share the "spotlight" of having a baby with my nephew and his girlfriend. I feel like this "spotlight" should be mine and mine alone after all the trouble we had successfully conceiving and carrying this one. I do not want to share this spotlight with anyone. I feel it is unfair...

Answer 1

It's only natural to feel the way you do, I would myself. It is right to fear for the financial situation they're in. It could work out two ways, the baby may throw them into realty and they might do a lot of growing up... might be just what they need. Or they could end up being the irresponsible parents you fear. I conceived my first child at seventeen, I have three now. We're desperately trying for a fourth, and it's not going smoothly. I'm blessed with what I have, but I can't help feeling envious or jealous of my much younger relatives who have had no problem conceiving recently. The best you can do is remember you're an awesome mom, and that's all that is important.

Answer 2

you have had loss in your life and yes your feelings are okay. you have every right to feel that this other child may not get the love it needs.  Just be thankful that you can give your child what it needs. you never know this young couple could grow up fast and be good parents if not you will be there to back them up when they fall.  Your hormones are all wacked out right now you need to just focus on your own family. Misscarrages are hard to deal with I have has three. I waited 81/2 years between births it is very hard seeing others have kids when you were so lost just focus on your children.  So what if there is another.  Kids will get what they need. Happy kids get lots of smiles and cooing back just because they are happy and well adjusted. Enjoy what you have.

Answer 3

well yeh kinda like i understand that u fear for the child i mean they dont seem very fit, but all family memebers can get pregant at the same time and it shouldnt matter ur family will love ur baby as much as theirs and yeh maybe they shouldnt have had a baby but like i wouldnt let it bother u. sooner or later the spotlight will be gone as the baby grows thats just how it happens. dont worry but i would pray for their child, and i hope all goes well with ur pregnancy=]

Answer 4

It's natual to feel envious in all sorts of situations where we secretly know we shouldn't, and then of course, to feel guilty about it!

I wonder if it might help you to redirect these feelings into helping your nephew and his girlfriend by lending them some of your reading material that you bought when you were first pregnant. For example, if you memorized What to Expect When You're Expecting the first time around, consider lending it out. You might also want to call and tell her that you will be happy to help out with any questions she has during the pregnancy since you've been there before. Keep in mind, that even though she's irresponsible, she's probably overwhelmed and completely clueless about how to handle this. Helping her might give you both some peace of mind.

Congratulations, by the way, on your little one!

Answer 5

I don't know about "wrong", but it's certainly a natural feeling.  We who are conscientious about our lives, trying to do everything just right and still have difficulties beyond our control are always pissed off to see these feckless youths getting so easily what we work so hard for ourselves.  Just comfort yourself with the thought that in the long run, their attitude will be their undoing.  If they do not start to work hard, they will spoil or lose whatever blessings they've got.  Then you/we can gloat.

All the best for your own pregnancy.

Answer 6

I am a teen mother as well- my daughters name is Emma. I know that you are envious and it must be frustrating, but you should just try to forget it, if possible. This shouldnt be a competition- the only importance is if this pregnancy and baby are special to you and your husband. Try to be happy for your nephew, and you should really explain your concerns to them. Best of luck!

Answer 7

I would feel VERY envious in your situation. But you will just have to suck it up and be happy ( this stress isn't good for your beautiful unborn baby!)

Just be happy about your pregnancy and help your nephew.

I know a few people who got pregnant : one girl I have known all my life and lives in my neighborhood had a baby and is raising him as a single mom but with the help of her family. Then two of my good friends had a baby together, and were living at the fathers house with help from his family, and they have now moved out and have a house together and are very happy!

Both girls were very young: 17, and they have turned out fine. BUT they had help from their families or without the help and support they would not have made it. A baby will change their life as it did my friends and my own mother. A baby will make them more mature and responsible because they no longer just have themselves to take care of, but another human being who depends solely on them.

Answer 8

i feel envious of other people all the time...not about ur predicament but about other things.

as long as u dont kill her for the spotlight, its not a selfish thing...we all get a little green with envy sometimes...its just a matter of controlling it.

Answer 9

There's nothing wrong with feeling envious in a situation like that, you deserve the spotlight at a time like this.  When I was accepted into college, I walked into my high school expecting all eyes to be on me... until I realized that someone else had gotten accepted to THEIR college that same day, only THEY got a $30,000 scholarship with their acceptance.  Although I wanted to be happy for them, I couldn't be because I was upset that he had stolen my spotlight.  Although our situations aren't completely comparable, we both felt like we deserve the spotlight because we have put up so much hard work to get to where we are.  There's nothing wrong with feeling a little cheated when someone else gets there as well, especially if they did so the "easier" way.

Also, if your nephew feels anything about you being concerned about his baby, he should be thankful.  You being concerned definitely shows that you care about him and the care of his child, and maybe he needs to recheck his plans for the baby's future and well-being.

Answer 10

Well, a lot of what you may be feeling are your hormones.

You and your husband have been through a lot to get to the point where you are now.  

Don't focus on the negative, focus on the positive.  Continue to be excited about your baby's arrival.  

You really don't have any control over what happens with someone else.  Life isn't fair, but as adults, we make the best of what we are dealt...for ourselves and our children.

If anything, I myself, would feel sorry for your nephew's baby.  

Your baby will have an advantage over theirs--stable home, parents that have experience in having a baby.  Your nephew has NO CLUE, nor does his girlfriend.  Sadly, his baby will pay a price for it's parents lack of everything.  

So don't feel envious of their situation.  Especially when your situation is the IDEAL situation for bringing a child into the world.  

Again, I think a lot of what you are feeling are your hormones.  Be happy for your upcoming blessings.

Answer 11

I think you need to be excited for yourself and let people share in it if they want to and that you need to get over yourself a bit.  You have an older child and that 'spotlight' will have wanned, whether or not you had two miscarriages.  Just because they are young and don't have a highschool diploma does not make them lesser than you nor will that make them be bad parents.  Whether you feel it's unfair or not, you're being unfair to them.  This is their first and your second, time to get over it.

I had a baby girl in 2006 after FOUR years of trying and I got lots of attention and a "spotlight".  My mom's family treated it really 'big' and I even had cousins that year that had babies around the same time and they threw me a shower.  I am having a son in Sept 2008 and although I feel excited, my 17 year old cousin and his 16 year old gf are due a month before me.  Do I feel jealous? Not at all.

Answer 12

I completely understand where you are coming from!!!  When I got pregnant, my husband and I were so excited!  Then wouldn't you know, my sister in law who already had 4 children, announced a week later that she was pregnant too.  Not only that, but she was further along than me, so I really felt like the spotlight would be completely hers.  I cried and cried and couldn't believe that this time of my life had to be shared.  To make matters even worse, she brought her baby to MY baby shower.  I was so afraid that all the attention would be on her and her 2 week old baby boy.  Some of it was, but people did a good job focusing on me.  

That was then....

Now, I'm thrilled that my 10 month old baby girl has a playmate her age.  They are exactly 6 weeks apart.  It is so cute to watch them play together.  Even though our parenting styles are much different, I am happy for the babies.  

One thing I told myself over and over though when I was upset about the situation, was that nobody could take away my joy that I was having a baby.

As for your nephew and his girlfriend, life is going to be quite hard for them.  My mom had me when she was only 15!  The situation will force them to grow up and become responsible.  Having supportive people to surround them is important, and I can tell you are one because you care about the baby.  

Blessings to you and your little one on the way.  May you experience joy abundantly!

Answer 13

Some people grow up after they have a baby and some stay the same. You never know what will happen until it does.

You have a right to feel a little envious of not being the center of attention but you know, it'll be good. Just think of it this way, your little one will have a cousin close to their age to play with!The best you can do it make it into a postitive and focus on being a family.  

I think you'll get over it once the babies are born, or you just won't even concern yourself with it.

Answer 14

To judge human emotion is senseless. Everybody experiences a range of emotions...so if every person in the entire world experiences this, how could it be "wrong". However experiencing something and acting on it is different in my humble opinion.

Definition: Envy may be defined as an emotion that "occurs when a person lacks another’s superior quality, achievement, or possession and either desires it or wishes that the other lacked it."[1]

I don't think what you are experiencing is Envy. I think it is jealousy. Jealousy typically refers to the thoughts, feelings, and behaviors that occur when a person believes a valued relationship is being threatened by a rival. This rival may or may not know that he or she is perceived as a threat.

I'm not sure how to answer your question. I realize the pregnancy was a long time in the waiting and sharing the experience of it with another family member, who you feel is undeserving (due to age, status, inability to make appropriate decisions etc.) however do you believe this girl deserves to have a great experience as you did? Nothing is wrong with supporting another person and not agreeing with what they have chosen. Find the common denominator between you and her.

1. You are both pregnant

2. You both share family members

3. You both want healthy babies

Etc. If you focus on the positive you might have a different view on things.

Just my humble opinion. Good Luck!

Answer 15

I am sorry to tell you this but you are being ignorant because both babies are going to get the same love. I think that you should mind your own business because it's not your concern that your cousins girlfriend got pregnant until they come to your home and ask you for money or shelter then make it your business other than that worry about your pregnancy not theirs.