I feel like I'm in over my head Advise or something please.?

Question

on one hand I feel like I am the happiest person in the world because I waited and waited and now finnally i have what i wanted. I am engaged to My one true love. I love this man with all my heart and nothing will come between that but most recently we have been having severall problems.

The problems are all based on his daughter. She is a very confused, mixed up, spoiled, 12 year old who will do ANYTHING for attention no matter how much time you spend with her. She was starting this behavior (~3 years now)before we even got together so i know its not me. Her mother is a parinoid schizopherenic and cannot care at all for her daughter not even for 2 hours of the day, her only other family is her grandmother (mothers mom) whom has 9 other grand kids living with her so she cant ever go there either. occasionally we do get a break she will go to her grandmas when we beg.

here is the problem:

his daughter is constantly having more and more problems Serisous ones like bulimea, cutting her wrists, acting WAY too old for her age, trying to dress litterally like a w***e, and many more.

We are to the point where she is in a monthly counceling session but its not enough, everyday we come home with a genuine fear of whats going to happen next. It is to the point where it causes too much stress on our relationship and we get into fights because we are so stressed about her and what she is going to do next.

I hate to say this but I dont know what to do, I know i dont deserve all this for having the one i love, but i dont want to "get rid" of his daughter either.

How am I suposed to handle this? I dont know if I can handle her being sick like her mother. I DO NOT want to leave him or his child, but i dont know what to do I cant even concentrate at work because there is too much stress with her at home. I litterally get sick on the way home because i know another crazy event is about to take place.

We have her set up for a evaluation at a mental health place next week, but I am to the point of i cant take it one more minute... what do i do? maybe some encouragement will help.

thanks for your time

Answer 1

KT, I feel your pain. I am a new step-mom too. I inherited 2 step-sons that are 11 and 13, my sons are 9 and 12. The 11 year old has ADHD and every issue is blamed on that. He also wets the bed EVERY night. HE is whiny and immature.

My only advise is have a united front with her father. You both can solve this together. YOU may be this girl's saving grace. GOOD LUCK!!

Answer 2

I read your question a couple times.

I notice you talk about yourself a lot.

How you feel, how this effects you.

Now, I'm not saying that you haven't tried to have some kind of bond with this kid and went out of your way for her, but she is obviously beyond your ability to cope with her problems.

So, now you are asking yourself if the love of your life is really worth all this c**p.

So, I'll ask you.

If you bail out, and decide it's too much for you, how will he handle that?

Will he be left to deal with this troubled child by himself as well as deal with the fact that his fiance he loves very much just left him?

Will this girl figure your just like everyone else (in her mind) and you don't care about her or what happens to her after all, and that's why you give up on her?

I don't want to sound cold, but you have to think about them and what you will put them through instead of yourself.

You said your engaged.

So, how committed to this man are you?

"For better, for worse, for richer, for poorer".

Those are the vows.

Are you up to it or not?

I'm sorry dear, but this thing isn't going to go away, at least not for him.

So make a dicision, are you in it with him hand in hand, facing whatever comes your way together, making each other stronger?

Or, are you going to decide it's just too much for you to deal with and get out before it gets to you too much, leaving him to deal with it by himself.

Good luck to you.

Answer 3

WOW! The only advise you need is your own. If you love him and plan to marry him that is for better or for worse. Stick with it in the end everything will work out and you (and the whole family)will be stronger for it. Only you know if it is worth it.

Answer 4

It is good you are getting a psych eval for her. Schizophrenia is very hereditary so it is wise to rule this out. Counseling once month is not enough, you should be going weekly. She is being oppositional and the best way to handle that is by taking action not anger. In other words, stay in control of your anger, and whenever you can let logical consequences teach her. Bulimia and cutting indicate anxiety. After the eval the psychiatrist can give some good treatment recommendations. There is a lot going on here and she really needs professional care.

Answer 5

Well to start this child has no mother, and she's dying for affection and attention of any kind.  Likely she has found men are more than willing to give her this missing attention she needs, and I think you also need to be a bit more understanding.  I'm not saying she isn't a brat, or spoiled, but maybe start treating her the same way you do other kids, whether she's your or not.  She can't get any love/attention from grandma so what's this kid to do?  I feel badly for her.  Just because her mom is ill doesn't mean she's a reject or something, I'm sorry but that's how you make it sound.  She needs help, real help for bulimia and cutting her wrists, like being put in a hospital and knowing people outside love her and are waiting for her to get better.  You make her sound like a nuisance.  

If this is the love of your life, then you must accept that this "problem child" comes with the package, otherwise you are setting yourself up for heartache.

EDIT:  She still really needs help and needs to be in intense outpatient therapy or hospitalized, and maybe she will finally work through those things eventually.  If you really can't handle it all maybe you should re-evaluate whether or not you want this relationship.  Your only human and a person can only take so much.  Good luck in whatever you decide to do and I hope the child gets better.

Answer 6

Hang in there.  Taking her for an evaluation is a real good thing.  There could be a chemical imbalance in her brain (not trying to be funny) that could cause some of her issues.  That is a problem with her mother.  She could have inherited this from her.  Here is an idea.  You might not want to try it, but it could not hurt.  Might even help.  You, by yourself, could take her out into the country for a weekend camping trip with a tent.  No cell phones, no TV, no radios or IPods.  Just the two of you to talk.  If nothing else, at least you tried and she will remember that.  You two might even have a good time.  Will be rough at first, but will get better.  Just keep your cool and let everything run off your back like water on a duck.

Seems like she is enjoying the drama she is causing cause she is seeing she has that power over the two of you.  Ignoring some of that drama will make her stop and think.  She is trying to get your attention and this is the only way she knows how.

So, try the camping thing and let her have your attention on a more positive manner and see how things go.

Answer 7

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