I feel like life has lost its luster...any suggestions?

Question

I am 46 years old and mother of four kids(3 grown and a 3 year old), I have been married 20 years.My husband talks very little to me, no affection at all. He has gained so much weight in the past year(he weighs around 300) and doesn't seem to care about his weight or health. He snores so loudly I cannot sleep, He generally prefers my 3 year old to sleep with him and me in my sons bed. Our money is all separate, he divided my bills/his bills. I work as a live in/live out nanny from Sunday night to Friday evening for two very spoiled kids.I take my 3 year old with me. It pays fairly good but after paying all my bills which include college for my 19 year old, I am broke. I feel unloved and unimportant. My 3 year old is constantly saying "I love daddy, not mommy, I hate her." My 19 year old said my 3 year old hears it from my husband and mother-in-law. I know he's just 3, but I don't understand him saying that. He is so full of energy and mischief, I can barely keep up with him. (I was injured in 1994 and I am disabled...so I am really struggling with all these responsibilities). My father is 80 years old and I clean at his house twice a month and mow his grass. I keep the house where I am a nanny as well as my house where my husband is. I don't have much time for any relaxing. I do have lots of good friends and so I should not be so sad. But I just feel so glum. Any suggestions? I cannot afford counseling. I do not want medicine for depression.

Answer 1

your husband sounds like trash. if you feel unloved and unimportant then i would hardly consider it a marriage at all. i would recommend a divorce to be completely honest. in my opinion that would completely turn your life around. since your money is all seperate you won't have to worry about not being able to support yourself. you can look for a better job if you feel that the nanny job won't support you. perhaps you can look into putting your father in a retirement home where you won't have to care for him, as well as your family and the kids you babysit. thats alot of work for one woman to do! especially one that is injured!! i really respect you. i really, really do. but seriously, a divorce will turn your life around. i think it would be best for your 3 year old to be away from his father a little bit if he is telling the child to say that he hates you. that could cause serious damage to a child. a child should love and respect his mother, and so should her husband. you deserve better. perhaps you can ask a family member to take you and your youngest in until you can get up the cash to get your own place. i'm not saying this is the only way to get rid of your problems, but from what i heard, its what i would do. if you truly love your husband, stay with him, but if there are doubts i think you should consider what i have said. and if you need anything, feel free to email or message me. i hope i helped :) best of luck to you.

Answer 2

Just a thought, but maybe you should consider taking some time out for yourself.  It sounds like you're taking care of everybody but you.  Think back to the last time life actually seemed to have luster.  What was different then?  

Here's another suggestion.  Go to an AA meeting and listen to how screwed up some people's lives are.  I know you're not an alcoholic, but that's not the point.  The point is, it could be a lot worse.  Go visit children in the cancer ward.

Also, maybe get rid of those spoiled kids and find something else to do.  I don't know what, but there's gotta be something.

Here's another.  Enjoy sleeping separate from your husband.  Stop feeding him and see what happens.  (Now I'm just being kinda silly.)  

You say you have good friends and you obviously have a family.  I don't have either.  Well, I do have a family but not close by.  My point is that life is lack-luster and worse for a lot of people, including myself.  If you can't afford a counselor, order a self-help book.  I wish I had one to recommend.  I guess the Bible would be the best one...

Umm... If you change your mind about the medicine, I recommend Wellbutrin.

Answer 3

Hi,

You must be a great daughter to mow the lawns and clean your fathers house, he is probably very proud of you.

I would discourage your three year old from saying those things about you.  Unfortunately there is nothing you can do about your husband loosing interest in his looks except make sure that you are taking good care of yourself and are feeling good about how you look.  

I would look at adopting either meditation or some other stress-relief practice so that you dont feel as though you are all alone with what you need to do in life.  Go out with your friends more and find other ways of enjoying yourself where you can take your 3 year old son with you.

All the best.