I feel like my step daughter picks on my 4 year old, what should I do about this situation?

Question

My step daughter is 7. I have been her step mom since she was 1 1/2. My husband and I also have a 4 year old daughter together. The problem seems to come when she returns from visits with her mom. I'm sure if she were my own child I would have some of the same problems with her picking on her sister. But when my SKs come home all h*** breaks loose. I know it must be hard for both sets of kids to transition back together, but I need advice on how to deal with it better. I mean my Sd just walked in the door 30 min. ago, went straight to the room the girls share, and starts bossing her little sis. My daughter ends up in tears and it makes me so mad after everything has been peaceful all day. I know the kids are spoiled at moms, do what they want when they want, but it carries over to my house (by the way they live with us during the week). I want some way to deal with this, without feeling like I have to "pick" on my step daughter. Im using the word pick because if I tell her to leave....

Answer 1

I have a 9 year old step daughter and I have only been her step mom for 3 years. I had similar issues but not quite because my son is only 10 months old. We have joint custody with her mother and we have her from saturday until wednesday. Not long after the baby was born she started saying that she did not want to be at our house anymore and she would get very angry when the baby would cry or if we asked her to try and be quiet because the baby was sleeping. Then she started really acting out with tantrums and backtalking and total disrespect. It took a while but we finally learned that her mother was telling her that her dad did not love her anymore because he has a new child now and doesn't need her anymore. Then we discovered that the attitude problems started when her mother met a new boyfriend and started spending all her time with him and basically ignoring our daughter. We finally sat her down and told her that we would never love her less because of the baby. We reminded her that we have been spending just as much time playing games and doing crafts and her dad still spent one on one time with her every weekend just like we did before the baby. We also told her that even though there really are no rules at her mother's she is well aware of the rules of our house and that we expect them to be followed. The anger toward her brother subsided but the tantrums and attitude, especially on saturdays when she got back from her mother's did not improve. I had enough of yelling and punishing so I told my husband that she is his daughter and he needs to handle it because she was constantly telling me I was not her mom and she was gonna tell her mom that I was mean and that I hit her (I have never laid a hand on her, and neither has her father, although her mom spanks her whenever she thinks she is being bad). My husband finally had to sit her down and tell her that no I am not her mother but she is to respect me and obey me no matter what. He said that her behavior was very disappointing to him because he thought that he had raised her better than that. He then told her that until she could treat everyone in the house with the same respect that we showed her she would have to live without her TV or her videogames. After about a half hour of crying she came into the kitchen and apologized to me and then went and apologized to her father. I think you need to have your husband lay down the law with her. There may be a good chance that her mother is telling her that you are not her mom and she doesn't need to listen to you. If the talk and the punishment comes from her father I think the message will sink in. Just make sure that her father makes it clear that you are all a family and everyone deserves the same respect. Make sure your house rules are clearly explained to all the children, post them on the wall if necessary and make sure they enforced equally with all the children.

Answer 2

totaly normal behavior is what it is just be fair and disipline her as if she was ur own my duaghter is 7 and my son is 3 and they do the same stuff it goes both ways i am sure the 4 yr old is not an angle 24/7

Answer 3

Are you sure her mom isnt sending her home telling her to do this?

Answer 4

I know you've been her step mom for a long time but I still think this is a case where discipline will be more effective coming from Daddy. She won't stop picking on her sister unless there are consequences for doing it. And assurances that everyone loves her at your house.

Answer 5

all siblings argue and fuss at each other.....and so your sk's are acting out a little during the transition from one home to another....try to keep this in mind...perhaps even have an activity planned for them when they walk in the door....like baking cookies or a craft....make sure you give them lots of hugs and snuggles and ask them what fun things they did during the weekend.  Show an interest in them the minute they walk in.

My son used to act out more when his older half brother & sister would come visit....my stepkids.... and I would try to have a little more patience with him.

Answer 6

talk to your husband and sit down with her TOGETHER to talk to her