I feel like we're so distant and now it's getting worse that her brother is moving out!

Question

When my youngest(now fourteen)was three, her mother died and I had to raise her, her (now)17 year old brother and (now) 22 year old brother. We were all so close, expecially me and my daughter. But over time we became distant, expecially when my 22 year old went to college and moved out. We wouldn't be still close if her 17 year old brother hadn't been around. But now he's going to college in the fall and it'll just be me and my daughter. Now I'm scared we won't be close. All she does is do homework, hang out with friends, go ont the computer, shop, watch TV, shop, do chores, shop, walk the dog, and oh yeah SHOP! I try to do things with her, but she's really not up for it. She never wants to spend time with me. It seems like all we do is fight!

I don't want us to be anymore distant then we are. The reason I'm like this is because my mom and I were super close until I was a teenager. Then I started rebeling and did things I now regret. I don't want that happening to my daughter. Plus, I miss our bond.

If I try to talk to her about it, she'll say "We spend plenty of time together, don't worry about it Dad.". Nothing ever seems to work.

Please help!

Answer 1

You are dependent upon your daughter who is in need of growing up and having a life of her own rather than being the center of yours.  You need to get a life, start making your own friends rather than relying on you daughter to be the only one that you have.  Otherwise you are going to wind up a lonely old man.  If you continue to push her to be the center of your life she is going to pack up and leave period.  

Answer 2

While I do agree with the poster who said you need to find things that you enjoy doing aside from your children, I think you're right to want to be involved with your daughter as much as possible.  As her father, her relationship with you will guide her in her relationships with men from here on out.  She likes to shop.  Make a date every week to go to the mall and hang out--no agendas.  Just spend time together, have a slice of pizza, find out what she's into.  Try to find one hobby the two of you can pursue together, even if it's only once a month or so, and even if you hate it (maybe she'd like to take a dance class with you, play a sport, or go fishing).  She seems like a good kid if she is doing her homework and chores, and caring for her dog.  But, even good kids can get into trouble if we let them go to soon...I commend you, Dad.  Being a single parent is tough; you have the compounded problem of grief to overcome.  But, you've managed to get one son into college, have one on his way, and a daughter who seems really well rounded.  Try to find some time for you, too, okay?

Answer 3

Been there, had to wear the t-shirt and hated it as much as you do and I'm the mother. Kids grow up and stop depending on us but I can assure you that she is totally aware that you are there for her. If she needs you, she won't hesitate to run to you. You raised her to be self reliant and confident. Now its time to let her spread her wings a little even though you aren't ready for her to leave the nest.

At 14, she needs clear rules. You can give her more freedom but 14 is still young enough that she should have to ask permission to go places. There are probably places such as a friend's house where she can go anytime and she should just have to let you know she is going, just as you should make sure she knows where you are and how to reach you at all times.

Can you set up one evening a week when you and she both have to be home for family night? If she knows that certain night is non negotiable, it will give you a chance to stay connected without having to beg her or fight with her to get her to stay home. You could go out to dinner and a movie, play a game you both like, do something she enjoys but gives her an opening to just chat with you without you having to pry it out of her. You can let her choose the movie, music, whatever. It will help you have some insight into who she is now.

She is growing up Dad. She needs to learn independence while she is still living at home and has you to fall back on. If she doesn't have any freedom at home, she is going to have a hard time adjusting to being on her own as a young adult.

Now is a good time for you to start having a life. You can do some things just for you, actually reconnect with things that you used to enjoy back before you had kids who took up all your time. Enjoy the kids when you can but now you can also go to games, museums, get a Harley and go for rides, whatever.  

Answer 4

She's a teenager and will grow out of it. It stinks having to watch it happen but know that when she starts her own family you two will be tighter than ever if you have made yourself available the whole time. Also know that you obviously did a wonderful job as a father or she wouldn't be making it so well in the world (not to mention your sons). At some point you have to let go and let them spread their wings. You can cry as you watch them go off on their own but know you did awesome to get them that far and especially on your own. Congratulations on making father of the year, by the way. :)  

Answer 5

I'm 15 and I can understand where your coming from(my dad's the EXACT same way).

You love your daughter, she's your youngest and only daughter(double threat as I call it. I'm the only child so my dad is like that too), and your hoping if you treat her like it, she'll stay your little girl forever. And she'll always be your little girl, no matter if she's 14 or 110! She isn't gonna cling to you 24/7 like she used to when she was five.

However, I understand that you want to spend time with her. Establish a father-daughter night, weekly or bi-weekly depending on your work schedule. Hang out and have fun, but don't push it.

I wish you the best of luck!

~Dylan

Answer 6

shes just a teen shell shake it off in a few years give it time hang out with your friends at a bar itlll be a good reunion