I feel really guilty

Question

My grandma died five years ago, I was very close to her and it took me years to get over it. I have no grandparents left, but 4 years ago, my Mum got in contact with her great aunty. She has visited us every week since and become close to our family.

So she's my great great aunty and I care about her. She's 90 and quite ill at the moment. I help her out quite a lot, I take her to the doctors when she can't walk alone and I help her around her flat. She recently asked me to vacuum once a fortnight for her and I agreed.

She told my Mum that she sees me like a granddaughter and now, for some reason, I feel guilty. I care about her but - it sounds horrible - I don't think I'd be too upset if she died or if I couldn't see her again. I feel really guilty that I'm not closer to her even though she obviously feels like that about me.

Do you think this would be because I was never around her in my childhood? Is being around someone so much in childhood what makes you so close?

Answer 1

Lauren! Do not feel guilty! You are helping to make your great aunts last years, good years. Enjoy her company while you can and She has seen a lot in her 90 years listen and enjoy the stories that she can tell you. You will never regret it. In the meantime you will be helping her to enjoy the ones she has left. The time you are spending with her is helping her to cope with her declineing health and mobility! I would say that is quite an accomplishment! Good Luck and may God Bless You as I feel that he has!

Answer 2

There is no reason to feel guilty. Your great great aunty is probably very lonely - so of course you mean a great deal to her. It's normal for you not to have immediate strong feelings for a family member you haven't grown up with - but that doesn't mean your feelings for her won't change over time. Just carry on what you are doing and try to make the time you spend with her enjoyable as you can. I'm sure she appreciates it. So don't feel bad about it. You're doing a good thing. :-)

Answer 3

Don't feel guilty.  It's probably normal to regard the approaching death of a relative, no matter how close, who is in their 90s with a certain philosophical attitude.  None of us are going to live forever.  It's how you treat her in her final days/months/years that matters, not how you feel about her dying.

Answer 4

It may be that you feel guilty because you only got to know her in recent years and she may be replacing the feelings you had for your grandmother.

I suggest that you love her while you can as she will not be with you that much longer. Loving her will not replace the love you had for your Grandmother, in fact it may enhance it.

Answer 5

Hi,

    I wouldn't worry about your feelings too much. You show you care about her and you help her out and have a good strong bond.

It nice you doing this and you can't say you wouldn't be upset as it may take you by surprise and you may find you are upset.

Even if you show no emotion when she passes away, it doesn't mean you don't care about her.

Don't feel guilty - be flattered she thinks highly of you and be there for her and enjoy the memories you have with her now.

Good luck!

Lx  

Answer 6

Well i met my partner 7 years ago and love him (and my daughter) more than anything in the world and we haven;t known each other since we were children. So no is the answer.

As for your guilt, don't worry about it or think about that stuff now. You never know how you will react when someone dies so don't waste energy thinking about it.

Answer 7

I think that being around in childhood makes your relationship much closer, but a relationship can be formed to be just as close later on.

It could be that the loss of your grandma is stopping you getting close to someone similar again. It can happen, even subconsciously, you never really know. In general, older people find it easier to build strong relationships with family, even if it's not immediate family. Maybe she just finds it easier to care so much.

I think you probably care more than you think you do and it's very good of you to help her out so much. I think you'd be surprised how much you can care about someone without knowing it. You've got nothing to feel guilty about, you can't help the way you feel. You care about her enough to help her out when she needs it and that's good enough.