I feel secluded from my adopted family?

Question

This question is to ask for advice or ways to cope with the issues that go along with adoption:

I'm 20 yrs old and was taken in by my now adopted family when I was 3 months, and didn't become legally theirs until I was 11 yrs. I grew up knowing my biological family, which is pretty rare among adopted kids.

Anyway, at times throughout my entire life, I've felt very different, well I AM very different from my family; but I've felt extremely left out at times. For example, when my parents begin telling stories for company of raising their children as young parents, they'll go through each and every one of my siblings, and will usually leave me out of the story all together. It's as if, I don't even enter their minds. I know they don't mean to do it, sad thing is I think it just comes natural to them. (continued below)

Answer 1

JUST GOT TO FACE FACTS YOU WILL NEVER BE PART OF THEIR FAMILY

JUST THE WAY IT IS

Answer 2

I can't even imagine how this makes you feel.  I know the right answer is to tell you to talk to your parents...but even I am finding it hard to find the words to get that conversation started.  Maybe:  hey mom, remember last night at the party when you were telling stories about... I was wondering why you didn't say anything about me.  Smile and wait.  But even that seems so stinging--to everyone.  There are times that being adopted is just a bummer.

Answer 3

Have you tried talking to them about it?  Sometimes, people feel that if they talk about things, it renders them less a person in the others' eyes.  Do they even realize what they are doing to you?  Respect and love them enough to talk about it to them.  If they don't know it bothers you, they can't change how they act.  Most of all, talk to God.  He is a real good listener.  May God Bless You and help you in this matter.

Answer 4

Have you sat down and told them how you feel..You are an adult now and that is the only way to communicate. Be open and honest...maybe they didn't realize how it made you feel.  I am sure you are special to them otherwise they probably wouldn't have adopted you.  How are things going with your bio family? do you communicate with them and do you discuss them with your adoptive family? You need to take all into consideration here. Your feelings as well as your adoptive parents. Maybe both of you have the same feelings...Like I said Sit with them and have an ADULT conversation..It would most likely help..

Answer 5

Don't feel like that.

They adopted you so young you ARE there child, they raised you to be who you are, so you ARE part of them. They have stories of a life before you, so would your biological parents. You know? They too would have stories to tell before the coming of you. Just know they love you, obviously your biological parents do too, they just werent ready to raise you in your best interest. You are unique and in ways lucky, you have two families who love you. Some, don't even have one family. So, it's ok to feel a part of them. Have you ever thought they may feel hurt by you not feeling like a part of them since they raised you from before you could even know any different. It seems your not accepting them as much as they are accepting you. Look at the situation from different views.

It may take some more time but accept the lifestyle and feel great about the fact that your biological parents are still part of your life!! =)

Your doing fine and if it still bothers you, maybe bring it up amongst them. Afterall, they know your wholelife, the internet does not.

=)

Answer 6

It's a shame they treat you like that.  I'm so sorry.  I think if people are going to treat their children through adoption differently, they shouldn't adopt.  Have you talked to your parents (adoptive) about this?  I hope you get some answers in here to help you through this.

Answer 7

Hi CC,

I know exactly how you feel, it's quite common, actually.

I hope you'll come visit hundreds of other adult adoptees in a support forum, that's a lot of fun, too.

http://www.adultadoptees.org

Take Care.

Answer 8

I hate hearing stories like this about adoptive families.  It saddens me deeply.  Have you tried talking to your adoptive parents at all?  I don't know that it would be very helpful but now as an adult, you shouldn't be afraid to speak up and let them know how you feel.  It might help "you" to feel better.

Answer 9

Hello!

I know it can be difficult sometimes, i have experience with this kind of situations but anybody but you can do this for yourself.

Im sure your family loves you very much and that they dont know that some of this comments may hurt you but they do it because it makes them proud to have chosen you as their child.

My recomendation is that you tell them that it makes you unconfortable that they tell your story to people that dont know you because for you they are not your adoptive family but just your FAMILY, and some people may not understand it that way so better not have to explain.

And you need to repeat to yourself every day until it sinks in, that you are very lucky they took you in and took care of you and you have love and food and a house. That is the family God gave you, your family! The perfect family does not exist and some kids are not nearly as lucky with their biological familes.

Look and concentrate on the bright side, it will give you inner peace, thank God every day for your family even when you dont feel like it, you will feel better with time from doing it.

Love,

Answer 10

I'm not adopted and don't have any children.  But I want to help or at least give you a <<<<hug>>>>

Maybe you could just ask your parents why they always introduce you as their "adopted" child.  Maybe they see it differently than you do.  Maybe they are bragging by saying we adopted you.  

I work with pregnant women every day.  But it is the adoptive parents I am most impressed with.  I think adopting is such an honorable thing to do.  To give a child a loving home... is there ANYTHING more honorable?

Answer 11

It's true you ARE different but at the same time you shouldn't be treated as such.  I have both biological and adopted children and I can tell you that I don't see our adopted kids as any different than our bio ones.  They are just our children and I love them more than anything.   I think your parents would probably benefit from you sitting down and talking to them about your feelings.  My guess is that you are right...and that they do not intentionally exclude you from things...but it just comes out wrong sometimes and highlights the difference between you and your siblings.  If I were doing such a thing with our kids, I would want to know and work on changing things.  Even though you are 20 years old, I think your parents would feel the same way.

Good luck and take care.

Answer 12

I am so sorry because that happens to you.  I can't undertand it myself.  I have two adopted children from foster care.  I can't imagine how I could possibly love them any more if they had grown inside me.  However, what I have come to realize is that THEY feel the difference, even though we don't.  That's a reality that my new adoptee friends have helped me understand and appreciate.  So, even though my children have always been accepted in our extended family as just our kids, period, that doesn't keep them from feeling adopted.  

Have you considered talking to them about this?  That's my suggestion.  Just be honest about how you feel.  Give them specific examples of the times you feel that you were left out of the stories, or that you were introduced in a way that emphasized the fact that you are adopted.  How in the world could they raise you from an infant and not feel total love for you?  That doesn't compute with me at all.  Good luck.  I hope you can help them understand how you feel.

Answer 13

I think you should let them read your question.  That way, they probably don't even realize what they are doing, and it might make them realize how they make you feel.  

Legally, you are their child, just like their natural born children.  To me, I had my 19 year old when I was young, and I feel that I am a much better mother now that I am 41, with a 7 month old adopted (and loved!) baby.

Good luck, and you've made me realize that maybe I don't need to explain that my new son is adopted to anyone, as it really isn't any of their business!

Answer 14

I didn't find out I was adopted until last year, at age 57, though I suspected at age 12 because I saw a photo in the newspaper of someone who could have been my identical twin!

I always felt different, too, from my adoptive family.  It's just something I always felt.  I never looked like any of them.  I was very smart, got fantastic grades.  It came to me easily.  I'm very creative.  I was never much into sports, but I always loved to read.  My cousins were very physically active.  They didn't read very much.  They weren't stupid or anything, but they liked sports and the outdoors.  I was always inside with a book.  My Mama had to make me go out to play just so I could get a little sun.

Anyway, I think feeling different is something that lots of adoptees feel, even if they don't know they are adopted.

There's a group called "Late Discovery Adoptees" and many of them felt the same growing up, even though they didn't know until much later in life that they had been adopted.

Talk with your parents and let them know how you feel.  Ask, "Do you realize how I feel when you don't speak of me the way you speak about my brothers and sisters?  Do you know that I feel so different from all of them?  Are you sorry you adopted me?  I love you, but sometimes I wonder..."

It'll give them something to think about...

.

Answer 15

I know how you feel.  I was adopted at age 6 and was and still am in contact with my biological family.  Sometimes I feel very different from my adopted family.  They are very different than me.  I don't necessarily feel left out, but I do feel almost like the black sheep of the family.  My thought process, the way I carry myself, how I look is much different from my a-family. You must explain your feelings to your family.  They will understand.

Also I'd like to add that this is a duality you must accept and try to cope with.  Think of yourself as someone who can bring something new and bright to your adopted family.