I feel so ashamed of the whole situation

Question

i have got 2 children by two different fathers, and im so deeply ashamed that im not with either father. i am divorced from my eldest boys dad as that relationship wasnt rite as i got out of it as my husband was emotionally abusive towards me. i then met a man a few years ago and we got engaged and bought a house etc and i was happy that id been given another chance to have a family life and find love. we planned a baby who is now 3 months old but he left me when i was 6 months pregnant and this whole thing has just devastated me and my the life i so wanted. im deeply ashamed of my situation and just think it was my poor judgement again of the type of man i went for. i come from a luvly home and great family and this has knocked the stuffing out of me again. he has no contact with our son as he has chosen not to. will i ever get over the guilt and shame and have i completely ruined my chances of ever finding a decent man now with my 2 kids by two differnt men??

Answer 1

I have two kids to my previous marriage and one to the partner that i have now.I know that it feels wrong but i know that i wasnt to blame for the previous marriage breakdown and it wasnt my fault that i was left in the situation that i was.I wouldnt worry too much,you will find the right guy.

I also have a great friend that is in the same situation as you and she has found a guy that has accepted all the kids and is treating her great,so sit back and relax coz there is someone out there for you.Goodluck.

Answer 2

You are going to be fine. If the second man left, he did you a favor. You are a wonderful mother who looks like she wants to be the best mother out there for her kids, and that desire alone, already makes you a great woman. I think you are going to meet a man who is going to love you, and when he says that, he's going to really mean it. Give yourself some time to heal from this, and pray that God sends someone your way.  

Answer 3

I know this probably wont help but its true.

Time heals everything.

And quite honestly your EXs should be ******* ashamed of themselves...

Theres nout wrong wid u love. Its them a******s.

Answer 4

Hey there. I wouldn't  be too hard on your self you have a couple of great kids that need a positive mum to be there for them and  they will flourish. First you made a good decision to bail out after no 1 got nasty and abusive. But after no 1 I bet you thought I gotta find a man that I can love and be with forever and went about putting it all together, you forgot to read the little signals that he was giving out that said something wasn't right and I bet your conscious also said the same but you dismissed  them cos it was the dream you wanted. Been there done that.

Take a breath and smell the daisies 2 great kids no man but you have a picture of what you want so be patient, look lots but don't rush it there a lots of guys out there in the same boat and are just a bit timid and peeved that this has happened. one the boys start to play football and sport watch the number of guys around, Just choose carefully and pick someone that lights up your life as you will light up his and make sure the boys  let you know  as they have a great way of picking the lemons out. Good luck

Answer 5

~~Today is the first day of the rest of your life! This is my motto, and even though you feel you have made poor choices, as of today you can begin a new you. Set very high standards for what you want in life. Work hard at them and you will get what you want. It's unfortunate for your kids, but you will be strong for them and give tham all you have. Teach them to know the consequences of bad choices, and demand high respect for themselves from others. I know you definitley know what you do not want in a man, so never again let one in your life that isn't willing to be 100 percent committed to you and your children for life. Feeling ashamed or bad about your situation is a huge waste of time. Your kids need to see your strength and resolve to have better in life. Waste no more time, just start the ball rolling today, for it is the first day of the rest of your life. I wish you a very happy future!~~

Answer 6

that sucks

Answer 7

look having 2 chidren from 2 men is not really ur fault. its good u didnt stay with first one because he was abusive n well the second just didn't love u enough. u probably did but don't blame urself. my great grandmother got remarried with 4 kids to a very nice man and they died together and loved each other so much and i know so many people that have a similar story that are still alive right now. im sure u r going to find a good man and now that you have more experience try to think twice about who u r going to marry. test the next guy you marry n get to know himn real well. and again don't be ashamed. good luck!

Answer 8

First things first - you are receiving child support for both of these children, correct?  Just want to make sure that you are thinking of the children first and getting them the financial help they need since they did not ask to be brought into this situation.

Okay, got that out of the way.  You should not be ashamed!   In the first situation, you were married and fully intended to stay married until he became abusive.  In the second situation, you were engaged to be married, may be jumped the gun a little with the baby planning, but you were looking to stay with that man.  It's not like you were going around with a bunch of men and have no idea who the father of children is.

Maybe you should take a break from men for a little while.  Concentrate on your children and on getting yourself healthy or staying that way.  Get as much assistance as you can for a single Mom, don't be afraid to ask for help if you need it.  Do you have a family?  Mom, Dad, siblings?  Friends?  Ask them for help if you need it - a babysitter or what have you.  Get yourself back together before you try to match up with someone else, or that might fail to because it is too soon.

And just a little suggestion - put off having children with the next man for a while.  Get the relationship between yourself and your eventual new man on track before you bring a new baby into the mix.

Answer 9

Why is it in this society, that men are to blame for everything everytime? Her first husband was reportedly emotionally abusive.  So she was never a ***** towards him?  And why was she having s*x with the 2nd man if she was not yet married to him?  If she lives her life in a moral way she may attract a moral man more easily.

Answer 10

Is your focus mainly on the relationship side or raising your kids who need you now?  Think about how they feel in all of this?   My mother did a perfect job raising me and my brothers on her own until my real father came back in the picture.  Please focus on raising your children, relationships come and go.    

Answer 11

you have nothing to be ashamed of, as long as you bring your kids up right, to have respect,and give them plenty of love, you're doing things right.the right person will come along and he'll love you and your kids.

Answer 12

try a therapist and a dating website.

Answer 13

You have nothing to be ashamed of as long as you are a good mother to your children. If you keep looking I am sure you will find the right person for you.

Answer 14

I have 2 kids to 2 different men and I felt that way for a long time time... I had that thought "who the h**l would want me"..

Then I made my kids, the focus of my world... if a man was truly into me he will have to accept my kids too...

However I thought I had found that one guy in my eldest daughters father turns out he is still a control freak and is currently putting me through grief @ the moment... I am pregnant again and the father has it twisted, thinks thats this child is not his either... He did that to me with our first child...

Just dont be ashamed about your situation @ least you know that you'll be loved unconditionally by your children...

Answer 15

It may not be story book. But you have nothing to be ashamed about. You wanted have a family with men you loved. That's kind of normal. You where strong enough to get out when you need to. Best thing you could of done for you and your kids. Nobody should have to be in a abusive relationship. Its silly to think you've completely ruined your chances of finding a decent man. When you do meet a new one just take your time used what you learned and you'll be fine. Have a good one.

Answer 16

You have taken on the same and guilt of your two ex-husbands.  That's where the shame and guilt should lie, not with you.  Your were right to leave an abusive husband.  He would have treated your son the same way and messed him up emotionally and mentally for life.  You did the right thing for both you and your son.

Husband number two is incapable of fidelity and taking on the responsibility of a wife and family.  You should not feel guilt or feel shame about this.  He should.  You could feel betrayal, but certainly not guilt or shame.

Every relationship is a learning experience.  You have had two very painful learning experiences.  You have not ruined your chances of finding a decent man as long as you reflect on what you should have learned from these two men.  Pick up the book, "Are You the One For Me."  It will help you identify destructive relationship patterns and will teach you to look for fatal flaws in men and end the relationship before you get in to deep.  It will also teach you why you repeat harmful patterns and help you resolve past issues that may stem from your relationship with your parents.

Release the pain along with the shame and guilt you have needlessly taken on.  Focus on finding what brings you joy in life and teach your children to do the same.  Focus on becoming a whole, happy person who depends on no one else for their happiness and you will then attract someone else who is already whole and happy.  You will have created a great life for yourself and set an excellent example for your children.

Answer 17

No and yes

Answer 18

You have not ruined your chances! You just need to be careful. Learn from the previous 2 and you can recover from this. In the mean time, dont let it affect your children. How you treat yourself will determine how they treat you too. You need to get to take any red flags you see and trust them. I guess you didnt think that they would up and leave but there is no changing what happened. You also cant look towards the future like you are doomed. You will overcome those obstacles.

Answer 19

im 16...and here is my story...my mom married a man, and had a child, his name was chris...then she divorced him because he was such a Bit**..that was in new mexico, then in texas she married another man and had another child, jon right now chris is 20, and jon is 18....then she divorced him because...wow he was just wrong....and then she dated my dad, never married him..and had me....then she left him(he was in rhode island) and came back to vigina williamsburg and met scott, my step dad, married him and had alex who is 8 and samntha who is 5....my dad isnt really the greatest to woman or anyone, and hes living with his mom....scott is amazing an amazing step dad...and me and my brothers love him, you dont need to have them talk to their fathers, its ok....but when you find  great guy, and you will....your children will be just fine

Answer 20

There's nothing to be ashamed about, you've just been unlucky in love that's all. I think the most important thing for you to do now is not worry about rushing into another relationship but to work on making yourself and your kids happy. Pick yourself up, brush yourself off and work at being independent, happy and confident. When you love yourself it will be easy to find someone who loves you for you whether you already have children or not. However, let your past experiences be a lesson to you and learn from them.  

Answer 21

No!!

YOu should not eel ashamed. we make mistakes. there are cruel people in this world, and it's hard to know who to trust.

Just love your children! They need a strong mother, and i'm sure you have it in you. Times get hard being a single parent, but dont EVER rely on a man to keep you happy!

there ARE some genuine men out there. some who love kids as well.

be sure not to rush into things with them, though. take your time to be sure you've found him.

god bless! <3

Answer 22

You have absolutely nothing to feel ashamed about hun. Its not your fault that the men you became pregnant to turned out to be such rubbish fathers, they are the ones who should feel deeply ashamed of their actions, at the end of the day you havn't walked out on your children have you?

It is because you come from such a good family that you feel the way that you do and that will give you the strength to do the best for your children, and in turn your children will give you strength to get through this difficult time, they are precious and need you more than ever now. You need time to get over what has happened and this will bring you closer to your children.

You will eventually become stronger and there is absolutely no reason for you not to meet a decent man eventually who will treat you right and if he is right for you, your children will not put him off at all.

This whole experience will make you a lot more picky in the future though and you will find that you will only want to date somebody who will put your children first too, there are decent men out there somewhere hun!

It sounds like you have a good family and it doesn't matter what other people think or assume, all that matters is you and your children now.

You are very lucky to have 2 great kids and your whole life is still ahead of you to do what you want, when you want! Go for it!

Good Luck hun, stay positive!

XX

Answer 23

you have nothing to feel guilty or ashamed about its not your fault how things work out in life things don't always go to plane maybe you might have poor judgement but **** we have all be there and have done the same don't be so hard on your self just think what you have got out of the relationships your beautiful kids mr right is out there you will meet him when you are suppose to in the meant time put yourself first spend time with your kids life is to short

Answer 24

well im sorry about your situation... but i think u shouldnt rush into any guy, what im trying to say is get a job and support ur own kids, u dont need a man, for ex my mom is a single parent (dont get me wrong it is hard) and she is doing pretty well for herself and she is doing and great job raising me.

Answer 25

Oh honey, you aren't the first and you won't be the last.  Not a one of us are perfect.  We fall into various traps and then tumble into the pit, where you are right now.  You have to forgive yourself, stop living in the past and start to move forward.  Number 1, make the father's pay child support--you are not legally responsible for 100 percent of the upkeep of these children and don't let them off easy.  You need to make a new life for yourself and to do that you need some type of skill, so get some kind of training at the community college.  First, what are your interests.  You could start off by looking for a job at a day care center, where you could bring the children with you.  Usually, there's a break on the tuition you'd have to pa at the center for them.  Sometimes they will pay some or all of the tuition for you to be trained in early childhood education.  You say you come from a lovely home and a great family.  Ask them if they will help you with a car if you don't already have one so you can go to work or school.  The health department, at least in my state, offers health care for families in the shape you are in.  I think you have to get your focus off finding another man.  They seem to be your downfall based on past history.  Start making a life for yourself and kids and focus on being happy and grateful for what you have.  The rest will fall into place and you will meet a new man.  When you do, date to have fun, not to get knocked up again in the hopes of whatever you have hopes of having.  You have to get out of this pit and living in the past.  The past is in the past and you have nothing to be ashamed of.  We all make mistakes, but your children are not mistakes.  So love them and be happy for them and don't miss out on their growing by sitting around saying poor little me.  God bless you.  Call social services, the health department, the community college and ask what kinds of grants there are for single parents who want to make something out of their lives.

Answer 26

I feel that you need to look out for number ONE and TWO, but that involves looking out for number YOU first...

No one else is going to pay your bills, raise your children, etc, but you.

Do what you gotta do now to ensure your childrens' well-being and I hope that all else will fall back into some sort of cadence with you and your temporarily downtrodden spirit...  

Relationships sometimes happen when you're least expecting and not ever looking...

Keep your head up, be proud of yourself and your children.  All those who look down on you - F##k them, they're not paying your bills...

Answer 27

Believe it or not....its pretty common these days.  I have been married twice to "the wrong guy" and have 3 children as a result.  I don't feel ashamed but sometimes i get mad a myself for picking them.  It happens.  Forget the past, it will only hold you down and keep you there.  Be proud of your children and yourself.  The right guy will come along....just take your time.  

Answer 28

I'm sure you will find True Love Later In Life.

Answer 29

Focus on your children, not the men that brought them to you. All that matter is that they are in your life now, and that they understand how much you love them despite their crappy fathers.

Answer 30

First, off IT IS NOT YOUR FALUT! THese men are soo stupid for doing this to you! In the future, try to consider this tip : Always stay with a Man for atleast 2 years before getting married and having kids.  

Answer 31

Don't give up, there's someone for everyone, you seem like a nice enough person, I know plenty of people that have had kids with different fathers and managed to get a very decent partner. I would advise to concentrate on your kids for the meantime and wait for the right man to come along and make his move. You never know, you might already have met him :) x*x