I feel so guilty about this ?

Question

I'm 9 weeks pregnant with my second child, i told my mum as soon as i found out that i was pregnant, my mum has told me that she told my sister last night (my sister is 30 and been having problems ttc), i was a bit frightened to tell her so my mum said that she would.

My sister cried and said that it wasn't fair because she's been trying for longer and that was all she said about it (i totally understand but feel like i'm rubbing it in her face)!

i don't really see my sister very often but don't want her to treat me any way because of this.

Do you think i should talk to her about it (if so what should i say?) or should i leave it?

Answer 1

that's a tricky one. When i got pregnant I hated breaking the news to my brother in law and his wife as i knew they had been trying for some time. Thankfully, they were great.

  Personally, i'd leave it for at least a few days to let her digest it then she'll realise that she doesn't want to ruin your high - i'm sure she will. It's not like you got pregnant just to spite her, she'll come round.

In the mean-time, try not to let it get to you - you have fantastic news and you should be enjoying the excitement and not stressing.

Good luck.

Answer 2

My step sister and I are like that. She really wants to have children and cant and I am right now on my 3rd pregnancy. She has stated to everyone that it is not fair. It seemed to make her feel better that when I delivered my second child she was allowed to stay in the room and be apart of my sons birth with us. That was a very special time in all of our lives and it helped her with the resentment that I know she accidentally  has for me.

I totally understand where she is coming from because I have always wanted children and I know how crushed I would be if I could not have any. I had a miscarriage with my first pregnancy and that threw me into depression so I know there are no words I can say I just try to be there for her because now she is talking about adoption.

Answer 3

Wow....first of all you shouldn't feel guilty at all....you haven't done anything wrong. Secondly it's your sister that needs to deal with this and hopefully eventually come to terms with it and be happy for you. I don't know what if anything you should say to her...maybe if you were close you could talk to her but maybe this is something best just left alone for now and let your sister deal with her feelings and work them out. In the meantime try not to stress yourself out about it because that's not good for you or the baby. Congrats and I hope everything works out for you!

Answer 4

That's a hard place to be in.  But try not to feel too guilty... you're carrying your baby and you should be happy.

There's nothing you can say to your sister that will make it all better for her.  You could try to include her as much as possible in your pregnancy and your child's life, but she may resent you and push away.  Let her react the way she will.  She should at least try to be happy for you.  At least she's getting a niece or nephew.

Enjoy your pregnancy, congrats!

Answer 5

     It seems to me that it's your sister's problem, not your's.  I don't mean to be cruel to your sister; it's very unfortunate that she can't become pregnant, but that isn't your fault.  You're not rubbing her face in anything.  In a case like this, I think the least said, the better.  If your sister brings it up, then of course you can talk to her.  Otherwise, leave well alone.

     I hope this helps,

Good luck

Mike B

Answer 6

If God has put it on your heart to tlak to her then yes, but there may be nothing you can say to sooth her heart.  It is soo sad that she has had problems.  Good Luck!  

Answer 7

Don't talk to her about it at the moment.  She's not happy for you. She's upset at herself.   Give it time, then call.

Congratulations!

Answer 8

i know how your sister feels, i am childless whilst my sister has 2.

just don't be in her face about it chick

Answer 9

No need to feel guilty.  You're not responsible for your sister's inability to conceive at the moment.  

Just be happy with your condition, and your sister will eventually come around.  Good luck.

Answer 10

Nope.  Don't talk to her about it at all.  She is being a baby.  What does you being pregnant have to do w/ her not being pregnant?  She sounds like a little kid that did not get her candy...

My sis had a break down too because I got married and my other sis became prego and announced it on the same day I announced that I got married.  She just could not be happy for us, somehow it was all about her....

She is selfish.  If anything you should tell her off.

Answer 11

I'm capable of becoming pregnant but not capable of going to term and giving birth.  I've been pregnant dozens of times due to the fact that I don't go 9 months.  Every time I get pregnant I get my hopes up that THIS WILL BE THE TIME that I go full term although I've been told point blank by doctors that it is NEVER going to happen.  My baby sister has two beautiful girls and I do not begrudge her.  I think it's very selfish of your sister to take your good fortune and smash it in the sand because of her bad fortune.  If my sister had 10 children I'd be happy for her.  Shame on your sister.  Be happy and don't let her take this happy moment from you.

If she were a good sister she would be happy for you and revel in the fact that she will be an aunt again.  I love being an aunt and quite frankly think I make a better aunt than I could a mother :)  I have more energy with them because I do not have children of my own.  I'm more imaginative with games and play since I'm not tuckered out on my own.  I give better gifts since I'm not financially burdened with my own.  I really wish I could have children but since I can't I'll make the best of being the best aunt I can be. :)

Answer 12

No you should not feel guilty.  You did nothing wrong.  Some woman can get pregnant just having someone look at them, while others need medical help.  I think you should talk to you sister and let her know that you love her and will stand behind her.  Deep down it's not you it's that you are having a second child while she can't even have one!  Tell your sister to relax....  That is when she will get pregnant!

Answer 13

If i was your sister i'd want you to talk to me.

Just tell her you understand why she feels a little bad about it, tell her you really want her to get pregnant soon and your dying to be an auntie

if your open and honest, she'll know that you are aware of her pain and you can break the ice and become a person she can call when she feels down about ttc.

Answer 14

I would leave it for awhile. I have been in both positions. I have been the one unable to get pregnant while my sister was unexpectedly pregnant and then I have been the pregnant one with friends who could not conceive. It isn't your fault. I would avoid the subject with her for awhile and let her calm down. I can understand her pain-- but it isn't your fault and you can't feel badly about it.    

Answer 15

While you shouldn't in any way feel guilty about it's good to understand and sympathize with your sister.  I can totally empathize with her as we've been having problems ttc and everyone else seems to get pregnant so easily.

Honestly your mom shouldn't have told your sister.  You should have in person or over the phone.  I think it would have been easier on her.  Fertility problems are very trying and emotionally exhausting, I know.  

But you can't change how she found out.  Give her some time and then call or visit.  Talk about how she's doing and tell her that you understand her pain.  Eventually get her involved in shopping for baby or making plans for the delivery.

It'll help to lend an ear to her problems too.  

This was probably her initial feelings but she should be able to set those aside soon.  If not ask your mom to mention counseling (her not you).

Answer 16

This is a very sensitive issue for people who are trying hard to conceive. It is an emotionally charged reaction triggered by one's own feelings of inadequacy stemming from their inability to fulfill one of life's fundamental undertakings, the conception of a child.  You may think it irrational for her to lash out her fustrations on you, which on some level it may be. But the most important thing is that you lend your compassion and understanding to validate her feelings. Try to be sensitive to her feelings and supportive to her own individual efforts.  She will compare herself to you and constantly wonder why you have been blessed and she has not. The worst thing you can do is to make reference to her failure to conceive. If she needs time and space to work overcome her feelings,give it to her.  Give her the message that you are sorry she is feeling angry and you are there for her when she needs you.  

Answer 17

I agree, this is a hard place to be in. Honestly your sister should be happy for you, and I'm sure she is deep down, she's just jealous that you can get pregnant so easily and she can't. Give her a while to cool down and then talk to her again. She should still be excited that she will have a niece or a nephew to spoil until she can get pregnant on her own.

Good Luck!

Answer 18

i understand why it may have been difficult for you to be able to tellher, but everything happens for a reason and if she is having trouble its not your fault. you should be there to support her and not feel like you have to tiptoe around, she is your sister and should not feel threatened by you.

if your sister is having trouble, its reasonable for her to cry because although she would love to share your joy, she feels deeply jelous and disheartened. perhaps you should talk to her about seeking professional help with conceiving and seeing if there is really a problem. I couldnt imagine anything worse than not being able to have children. She probably sees you as her little sister and you are already having your 2nd and she cant even have one, in her state of mind she is probably being irrational but its natural.

hope that helps a little

Answer 19

There is nothing you can say to make her feel better. But you can let her know that your heart goes out to her, and if there IS anything you can do, she should let you know.

She's mad, frustrated and upset....if she directs it at you then she is wrong. If its at herself, then you should just be there for her as a sister.

Never, ever, ever...tell them one day it'll be their turn. You don't know that. People who are TTC, are already dealing with more hope in their hearts than you can ever imagine. There is no need for you to add more, possibly false; not to mention it puts expectations on them, that they just don't need.

Answer 20

I would try talking to your sister about it ,it wont do any harm,

she is probably upset because you can get pregnant she cant but at least making her involved with your pregnancy might just help her

Answer 21

She can't help feeling hurt, she'll probably be pleased for you once the initial shock has worn off, it must be hard.

It's always better to do the dirty work yourself, speak to her direct, say that you wanted her to have time for it to sink in and that you're not gloating, but you value her friendship as a sister and would appreciate her continued support.

Tell her that you love her and one day it'll be her turn.

Answer 22

i think your should ask this question in the trying to conceive section maybe they would be better able to respond to this question. You shouldn't feel guilty!!!! Your having a baby that's beautiful, that's wonderful that is nothing to feel guilty about. Congratulations and don't worry your sister will be okay eventually.

Answer 23

Personally I would just leave it along.  I don't think that it was directed at you personally.  It took me 3 1/2 years to get pregnant the first time and it was really frustrating.  She is probably just upset and frustrated by the situation.  Its hard to see people have babies so easily and then have such a hard time having one yourself.  Leave it go, try and be sensitive. Be happy, this is a happy time in YOUR life!

Congrats!

Answer 24

It not your fault your sister can't have a baby so don't feel quilty sit down with her and tell her privatley , if she will understand if she loves u !

Answer 25

There's no need to feel guilty about it - it's not your fault and she shouldn't blame you, even though it must be heartbreaking for her.

I think the best thing would definitely be to talk to her, the longer you leave it, the more awkward it will get.

Answer 26

im sure if your sit and talk to her, and explain you feel bad she will reassure you that she happy for you deep down, i can only say that as a person who fould it hard when ttc its the hardest feeling when people are getting pregnant around you, and no mater how much you know you should be happy for them, the little green monster is lurking there eating you up! congratulations and im sure no matter how hard it is your sister is genuinly happy for you x

Answer 27

I would try and talk to her about it, but give her some space first. This is probably really hard for her right now (as im sure it is for you). Just let it go for the time being and try to focus on you and your childs needs. extra stress like this isn't really that good. just remember that you did nothing wrong and you are trying everything in your power not to rub it in her face. when you do feel the time is right to talk to her, try telling her that this is something that you simply can't control and that you love her a lot. im sure that things will work out in the end, but dont get upset when she doesnt come around all that fast. good luck to you!

Answer 28

I had the same dilemma with my sister, she is 32 and all shes ever wanted was kids. But she found a cist on her ovary meaning that slims her chances let alone not having a partner...

When she found out her younger brother (my older) was having a baby she got so upset. She consolled herself in me, as we've always been close. She was devestated, but deep down happy for them! Once Dilan was born she got over all her hurt and jealousy because she had this grogeous little nephew she could love more than anything.

If she is hurt, talk to her. It can't do any harm. Let her kno that you can sort of understand her pain, and you hope that she manages to get pregnant. That its not your fault and she cant hold it against you.

Be firm but sympatheic. She'll get over it. Jus because she is finding it hard, doesnt mean that you shouldnt enjoy having your children and your pregnancy.

Answer 29

Don't feel guilty.  This is your blessing, your miracle, your child. Don't let how your sister feels ruin that. Nobody can know for sure when they are going to get pregnant, and it's actually very rude of your sister to say anything to put a damper on your happiness.

I wouldn't bring it up to her, as it would probably just cause drama that you don't need to deal with while you are pregnant.  

Answer 30

It's not your fault your mom told her, your mother should have waited,even though i do understand if she's happy about it. But also your sister should be happy for you, god will give her a child she just has to keep trying. Me personally yes i would talk to her and your mother. I would tell your sister that you understand her hurt but still, and your mother of all people should have known that this would have hurt her even more. But just talk it out that's all you really can do. i really hope i helped you. Good Luck Hun