I feel so guilty knowing this secret, should I tell the wife?

Question

Ok... here is the deal... the wife found out about her husband's affair five months ago. She gave her husband an ultimatum to cut off all contact with the other woman immediately. They entered couple therapy. She is trying to make changes and work on forgiving her husband. Well, guess what, he is still in contact with this other woman, has been all along. And in the last few weeks they have started to send erotic pics to each other and even recently had dinner together and had a little 'fun' before he had to get home. This is the complicated part. The two having the 'affair' should have gotten married after college. But at the time, his mother was dying, his family was falling apart and it was in the era before cell phones and email. He was going through so much he decided he wasn't ready to get serious with her. There wasn't a problem, it was timing thing These two have been friends and sometimes lovers for 22 years. In the last 12 years they had become serious. They both believed that they might finally get together when there kids were grown. I kept this secret for them, but now that his wife knows, or thinks she knows and thinks he has repented, I feel so guilty. Shouldn't someone have the decency to tell her what she is up against? Who would want to be with some man who clearly loves this other woman and who has lied not once, but twice about the same thing. Uck...help what should I do?

Answer 1

If you are 100% sure and can prove it, I think the decent thing to do would be to tell her.  

Answer 2

If you have proof so she will believe you then YES U SHOULD TELL HER!! Be prepared cuz she might get defensive and be mad for a bit but she will get over it and be happy you told her!

Answer 3

You should tell her. It's not fair for her to go through that thinking he's being faithful. And quite frankly the guy doesn't deserve to be with her. He sounds like a jerk and she doesn't deserve to go through that. Please tell her if you can. It's better for her than to live a lie.  

Answer 4

I didn't need to finish reading this to tell you what the heck are you waiting for tell her. He agreed that he would stop seeing her. So not only is he a cheat, hes a lying too. This women spent money on a counselor thinking that everything was going to be ok but it isn't. She will be hurt if she finds out you knew but didn't tell her. Please give this woman peace of mind and let her know to drop this loser.  

Answer 5

Well I would stay out of it. She will find out. Men are not that good at

lying.  If he wanted the other woman, he should have married her.

It is his loss..Why let him have the best of both  He is a jerk, will cheat the other woman also. Its all up to you.

Answer 6

Don't get involved . She will find out again on her own that he is still seeing her. It's hard not to say anything but it might back fire on you.  

Answer 7

IF i WERE YOU , i WOULD SIT DOWN WITH THE FRIEND AND TELL HIM IN NO UNCERTAIN TERMS THAT YOU UNDERSTAND EXACTLY WHY THIS HAS HAPPENED , BUT THAT YOU DO NOT AGREE AT ALL WITH THE WAY HE IS TREATING HIS WIFE . tELL HIM THAT IF HE DOES NOT TELL HER HIMSELF THAT YOU WILL BECAUSE YOU CARE ABOUT THEM BOTH AND THE GUY SHOULD NOT EVEN WANT TO HAVE TWO WOMEN THAT HE IS MESSING AROUND ON , HIS WIFE AND HIS LOVER.

gOOD LUCK , THIS HAS TO BE HARD BUT DO WHAT YOU CONSIDER RIGHT AND WHAT YOU THINK YOU WOULD WANT SOMEONE ELSE TO DO FOR YOU IF THE SHOE WAS ON THE OTHER FOOT

Answer 8

If you have proof & if you are close enough to her for her to trust you, then you should tell her.  I will say though that this man does not love the "other woman" (nor does he love his wife, obviously).  If he cares for this other woman so much, then he wouldn't have been sneaking around with her for so many years; they both sound like complete losers.  I hope the wife has enough self-respect to leave this a$$hat when she finds out this time.  

Answer 9

Someone needs to let this woman know what a deceitful man she is married to.  Yeah, it's a sad story blah, blah, blah.  Life's full of sad stories.  He has been lying to his wife for 22 years!  She thinks he making an effort to repair the damage he's caused but he's not!  All he does is heap lies upon lies.  I can't imagine how much it will hurt this woman, but I feel she has the right to know all about him.  Not telling her makes you an accomplice to his deceit.

Answer 10

I would say talk to him and tell him that if he doesn't  tell her you will.

Answer 11

its all your fault , find the best answer and that is u will do  

Answer 12

Stay out of it, you have absolutely no business getting involved in a couples problems.  The only time I would say anything is if it were my sister or a very close friend. You are way too preoccupied with a married couples drama.

Answer 13

yes tell her.

first, she has the right to know if he is in any kind of intimate relationship with another woman

second. the man shouldn't feel too bad, since he truely loves his affair more than his wife.

Answer 14

She needs to know the truth. Period. I understand that it's difficult to carry it through. Perhaps if you tell him that if he doesn't tell his wife what's going on, you will.  She can't be left in the dark about this.

Answer 15

This is the husbands responsibility to tell her. You might need to give him the ultimatum of you tell her or I will. You are right it is not fair to her. She needs to know the truth.

Answer 16

Are you the mistress? How do you know so many details. sheesh.

No, it's not your place to tell her. You COULD tell her husband that if he doesn't tell her YOU WILL. Leave it up to him and give him the chance to tell her himself.

Answer 17

you are only now starting to  feel guilty?  you have known for  how long?  22 years?  

you should  tell her and have proof that it is still going on and that it has been going on  for  22 years . because  if she knew it has been going on  through out her entire marriage then  she may not  want to forgive him for doing it . she has the right to  confront him and get  answers from him .

you are  going to lose a friend.so be prepared.

  i would have to  guess the "other woman" deserves him .. the old say goes

" if they will do it with ya they will do it to ya "

good luck with it .8(

Answer 18

u should tell the wife. u would want to know right? the husband obviously is too immature and selfish to do it so u should tell her. she needs to know and move on with her life. it will hurt at first but its better to know then to blindly believe a man that does not love her. tell her the truth so she can deal with it and move on with her life.  

Answer 19

mind your own business.   there now you can stop feeling guilty and start doing the right thing.  

if and when the situation changes for any of the three of them i am sure they will be the adults they are and deal with it.  really.  

Answer 20

I don't know if letting the wife know is really going to change anything in the situation. She just may not be able to leave him and will stay even with the knowledge that he's not any different. I would advise against telling her, dont' feel guilty and stay away from their entire family until the drama is over with.  

Answer 21

I would want my friend tot ell me. Not much of a friend if they didn't

Answer 22

M Y O B

Answer 23

Sounds like YOU are in love with THE WIFE! LOL

Answer 24

You should talk to the husband and tell him to fess up with the truth. If he really loves the other person and they have the past you say they have then he really needs to come clean. You otherwise need to stay out of it, I'm not sure of your relationship with the people involved but it will turn around to slap you in the face if you don't. Tell him to spill it so the "wife" can get on with her life and he can be with his "true love".

Answer 25

It's not your place to say anything.  Stay out of it.

Answer 26

My advice is to tell the wife. She has the Right to know about what is going on. You do need to be prepared though if you do decide to let it out. Be prepared for both, the wife and the husband's reaction, because what you are about to do will cause a ripple effect. For ever action, there is a reaction. And, before you spill the beans, ask your self in your heart of hearts if YOU believe this is the right thing to do. Good Luck!