I feel very angry, bitter aggressive and negative about my life & whats happen to me, what do i do ?

Question

i exist alone, living in a one bedroom flat on disability benefits in england- i feel ostracised and alienated from society.

i have no one except an aging mother whos always stood by me and done her best for me, shes 58 now and cant get up to see me like she once did.

i have alot of aggression problems that ive improved with all by myself over the years.....i used to have rage outbursts in public that i didnt plan, but comes from years of severe bullying.

ive basically had a horrifically hard life, missed out on forming ' any ' relationships with anyone........ missed out on ever being employed or gaining any qualifications.........missed out on an education..

im extremely lonely, abandoned....forgotten about by society......i sit in my apartment every night and no one seeks me out, tells me im worth something........its like i dont matter to anyone in society.

i feel people are aloof and standoffish to me like they were to me in the past , like no one wants to know me..

i feel stigmatised as somebody to avoid because of my criminal mental past and rage problems....

no one to phone....no one to phone me.....no one to turn to....a tormented, disadvantaged past..

i feel angry at people with happy lives, jealous, aggressive , it represents everything ive never had..

im 30 now, i own nothing....live on disability.....have a dusty old pathetic computer........no carpets on the floor.....have borderline personality disorder and ptsd.

wait for therapy........have torn ankle ligaments an injured ankle.....was told it will take a while to heal.

ive aged prematurly in my face..

have physical imperfections : 2 missing teeth - front bottom row- saving for dental treatment- cant afford anything right now.

this happened after i headbutted a wall years ago through anger.

cracked, broken skin , tears in the skin ' covering ' the ' head ' of my p***s,

an itchy, smelly sweaty s*****m, im waiting to see a dermatologist, she doesnt know what it is or wether the cracks can be cleared yet.

the tears and cracks dont hurt, but the skin is sensitive and looks terrible, all broken cracked skin covering my p***s head..plus discoloration of the head part.

i know its nothing sexually infection because i was checked out at the clinic months ago..

my little finger is crooked and droops over due to an injury years ago.

my only goalsin life is to attain a good paying computer job....to live a peaceful life near the coast........to leave england.......to find a loving partner....to eventually live in spain or another part of europe.

but tell me in my position, at 30, starting from zero, how will i do that ?

im despairing right now.

its like no one cares about me and societies moved on and left me behind.

people reject me, especially girls because i have major low self esteem.....i get clingy....expect to much to soon......dont no how to maintain a conversation.

theres this rusian girl on my messenger list, ive spoke to twice.....she seems nice.....but im scared to go talk to her again incase she rejects me because of how iam.

with all this, and in general ; what am i going to do ?

Answer 1

okay

at the moment life is c**p , you have reached rock botton and -it is a   cliche , but you have got nowhere to go but up

being on benefits actually opens a lot of doors for you , you probably can do nothing about your surroundings just now however you are eligible for help in going to college - lots of assisted learning schemes available

you will have a long road ahead but it starts with the first step

an acess course into a computing course which will eventaully lead to a degree, ob etc . but speak to a career advisor

get signed on to  a nhs dentist you can get free dental treatment to replace  missing teeth

you wil be seeing a dermatologist soon so keep the area clean and dry until then , wonky finger - not a major in the grand scheme of things

you seem to be in  a bad way but you can improve your lot

the friends and girl friends may come or they may not , lots of people live a solitary life

your mother loves you , even through all your problems so you are lovable  ps 58 is not aged , she could be around another 20-25 years

good luck

Answer 2

bro learn to grow mushrooms and open you mind , no to mention that a trip usually lasts 4 hours and will make laugh your a*ss off....Psilocybe cubensis

Answer 3

Firstly I will start by saying you may be jealous of people around you, but looks are deceiving and no-one's life is perfect.  Don't let that thought get you down.  Secondly, you are only 30 years old.  I'm 36 and although had a career which I gave up for to care for my children (luckily my husband is working or I couldn't have) I am going to go to college and study something totally new.  You are on disability benefits in which case you are luckly enough to get help for free in going to college so what's stopping you?  It's a fact that when you are stuck in a rut, inside 4 walls there is only one way you can go, into depression and loneliness, but if you get out there, think positive and make small changes your life, then your attitude will change and those of people you meet.  Basically you've lost all your confidence being stuck in the same routine, but it's never too late to start a new life, so stop upsetting yourself about the past, and while you're still young enough and you've asked for help, NOW is the time to make those changes.   If you're sitting in your apartment every night as you say, of course you're going to feel alienated so it's about time you stopped feeling sorry for yourself (not trying to sound mean just honest), go to anger management classes (your doc can arrange) and enquire with the DSS about courses. What do you like doing? Only you can change your life around and you never know you might end up in your dream home with your dream woman!  Good luck and just go for it.

Answer 4

This may not be what you want to hear, but you need to stop all the anger and bitterness, because it eats you up and makes you less attractive to people.  Then you end up driving people away, because all you can think about is your own life and bad things, and people find a negative person draining.

There are many people who have been through abuse and bullying who have recovered, because they have let go of all the resentment and thinking that their own abuse is worse than anyone else's.

When you meet someone, force yourself to focus on how they are and what you can to do them, rather than whether they are treating YOU right or giving YOU enough attention.  Then you will see that most people have bad stuff happen and you are not a special case.

When you shift the focus to others an amazing thing happens - people start to be attracted to you because you are such a selfless person.

Sorry that was really blunt, but I really do wish you well and think that will help you.  It's hard to sound kind if you are saying hard hitting things on computer, but I do mean it kindly.

Answer 5

Oh my goodness, how do we allow our lives to run so out of control. You can change this, and you must change this now before bitterness and resentfulness consume you. It's not that people don't care, it's just that they are not aware of your pain.

Do not give your life up for your mother, our parents deserve support and help from us, but they gave us our lives so we may live them.

You are slipping into the realm of self pity and this will not help you improve your lot. You need to find a way to be out there in society, try volunteering somewhere. There are literally hundreds of organisations crying out for help and through giving your time you will be spending time with other people and will gradually build friendships with them. Try teaching adults to read at the local library, working at a homeless shelter, think what you are good at, what you have to offer and work on it from there.

Don't be scared to contact this lady - I doubt she'll reject you it's just online chat.

Don't expect a miracle instant fix, it has taken some years to get to this position it will take a while to rejoin society but it can be done. You should ask a mental heath practitioner to point you in the right direction, there must be loads of projects you could get involved in.