I feel very betrayed by my father- what should I do?

Question

I am 16 and cut my father out of my life completely a year ago because he was very manipulative and one could even say abusive. Just yesterday though, I decided to let him back in, just to see how it would go.

I was actually very shaken up when I saw him from a huge fight I had just had with my mom. He noticed and asked me about it so I told him. I find out today that he wrote my mom an email calling her a bad mother and abusive from the fight I told him about. He even told her that I called her abusive myself, which never happened. Now my mom is furious with me. I feel like he betrayed my trust one more time after not speaking to him for so long. What should I do?

Answer 1

Cut him out of your life once and for all, he deserves it. You shouldn't trust him or speak to him again. Explain to your mom what happened, if she was married to this man then she must know what he's like. I'm sure she'll understand and take your side because your'e her daughter. Good Luck :)  

Answer 2

That is actually what mother's and father's are supposed to do...COMMUNICATE!

He may not have realized you meant it to go no further. But when you saw him for the first time after so long it should not have been a pity party for you. It should have been a reconciliation for the both of you. You brought up the fight you had with your mother and gave details which in turn gave him ammunition to blast her, which he did and he did in concern for you.

You feel justified to think what he did was wrong and that he is pulling your leg because the reconciliation you should have had with him never happened because you made it into a bashing mom session instead. You put him in a bad spot.

The apology you think you so justly deserve needs to go to both of your parents.

Answer 3

Parents can be like that. They ALWAYS tell eachother everything even when they promise they won't. And it sounds like your parents are divorced right? Well he was probably just trying to use what you told him against your mother. I'm 16 too, and I know exactly what youre going through. I know its hard, but try to get along with your mother. At the end of the day she's the only one that's gonna be there for you. Don't talk back, don't scream, you're more proabbly to get what you want that way. As for your dad, it seems like it's gonna take a while to be able to trust him, but then again maybe he was just trying to defend you after what happened with your mom.

Answer 4

My suggestion would be to do a few things. First, talk to your mom. Explain to her that you were really upset when you were talking to your dad, and so you probably vented a few things you shouldn't have. And also tell her that because he is your father, you figured that you could talk to him privately, and so you could have the freedom to say whatever came to mind, even if it wasn't actually what you meant after thinking about it for a while. Second, do yourself a big favor and either cut your father out of your life again or severely limit your contact with him. Make sure if you see him or talk to him, that you stick to very superficial topics such as the weather, school, activities, and so on. Don't tell him details. Don't divulge information you wouldn't want him to repeat.

I'm sorry you are having such a rough time with your father. And even though a father is a very important person to have in your life, sometimes they can do more harm than good. And if he is definitely hurting you more than he is contributing goodness to your life, then you really should do what you can to let him go.

Good luck.  

Answer 5

I think all of you are being way too hard on your Dad.  You cut him out of your life for a year and then happen to see him the day you were shaken up from a fight with your Mom... sounds like bad timing on your part to me.

The way I see it the poor guy probably thought you were trying to come to him for help and that's what he tried to offer.  When most parents see their child hurting they want to do what they can to make that hurt or pain go away.  You told your dad about the fight and he tried to find a way to help.

I'd say give him another shot. Like it or not, he's your Dad.

Answer 6

I am very sorry to hear about this, first of all.  I am guessing that your parents are divorced.  When this is the case, parents are just bound to criticize each other every chance they get.  It's just human nature.  The best thing to do in this situation is to remember not to discuss one parent with the other, unless, of course, it is something you need to tell someone ( ie: physical violence and so on) and you trust that parent to do the right thing about it.  Whenever I go to my dad's, because I have a similar problem, I never really mention anything about my mother except vague answers ("How is she?" "Good").  My advice would also be to talk to your mom and appoligize.  She is probably upset with you because she is hurt. Your dad might also be on some sort of mission to regain his merit.  Since you let him back in, he might think that he is redeeming himself in his own way.  I can't tell you what to do about your dad though, because the feelings he might evoke in you are complicated and they are things that you need to learn to deal with in a healthy way that best fits you.  My dad uses my emotions against me and yells to try to make me upset.  My solution is to be completely calm so that he realizes that he is not going to get the desired effect on me and stops yelling. All that I can say about divorce situations is that what your parents are doing is NOT YOUR FAULT.  Be strong and good luck!