I found my child on myspace...?

Question

He is adopted in the family, but his parents and I have never had contact since his birth. He knows he's adopted but doesn't know its in the family.

I was advised not to contact him so he doesn't find out who I am. (even if I told him I was his cousin) I was also told not to contact his parents, so it doesn't upset them.

How do I find out if he is ready/curious to meet me if I don't contact his parents? I want to see his myspace to learn about him, but it's set to private. I know I need to do what's best for him. So I want to make sure me contacting them isn't for MY best interest. Although I am finally ready to meet!

Answer 1

Add him as a friend!  This is between you and him

As an adoptee I dreamed of my mother finding me this way - I did feel a huge loyalty to my parents who are wonderful, but deep inside I always wanted to see her face.

Growing up in the dark and not know who  you are or where you came from is never in a child's best interests.  Truth and openness are.

Good luck

Answer 2

Ladydi,

  I feel for you. You are the reason why I am grateful that I have an open adoption and we, my husband and I honor it to the full degree. Gabe gets to see his mom and his birth dad since he was born. He see pics of his brother everyday and they exchange gifts on holidays and birthday.

  What you are asking is such a hard question. I would wait til he was eighteen and had a little more control in his life. His family might tell outright lies and turn him against you. It's sad but true. They might feel scared , sad, and feel bad. In that situation people do not always do the right thing. Good luck and hope that you get to met and know your son soon.

Answer 3

I wasn't going to answer...but after reading one adoptee's opinion who believes that HER opinion is the only correct opinion --- and that the rest of us don't know squat....well, I just had to add my 2 cents...

As an ADOPTEE myself, I would have been THRILLED to have my (birth*) first mom find me!  I began my search at 22. I had a BURNING DESIRE/NEED to find her...to know my roots, my medical information (for myself & my child), my history, my heritage, WHO I looked like a& why I was relinquished for adoption.  Basically, I wanted to know MY STORY.  I wanted to fill in the missing pieces of my life.

When I met my first mom I discovered that she'd wanted to find me, but was afraid of intruding on my life, just as I was afraid of doing to her life.  I also found that her entire family & extended family knew about me...and they were ALL waiting for me to find them.  

You don't say WHO told you he nor his parents want to hear from you.  I'd take it with a grain of salt...and still proceed cautiously.  You also don't mention his age. If he's not yet 18, you may want to wait until he is.

In the meantime, make it EASY for HIM to find YOU!  Put your name on the ISRR registry.  http://www.isrr.net/

Find the state's web page for the state he was born in &/or adopted (if he was born in one state & adopted in another, sign up in both states) & register on the STATE'S adoption registry.  

http://registry.adoption.com/

http://adopteerights.net/nulliusfilius/?...

http://www.adoptioncrossroads.org/

Contact the adoption agency if they're still in business and fill out whatever forms they'll need to authorize the release of your  information should he contact them.

Find a good support group or site to help you through this emotional time.  Reunion can be a roller coaster ride of emotions.  So, take care of yourself.

http://www.origins-usa.org/Default.aspx?...

http://adultadoptees.org/

{{{Hugs}}} to you and good luck!

e-mail me for more ideas if you need them.  

A search guide:

http://prairieguy.wordpress.com/2007/07/...

Interesting facts/stat's about searching:

http://statistics.adoption.com/informati...

ETA: Forgot to include Concerned United Birthparents. Check them out for support...

http://www.cubirthparents.org/

Answer 4

My brother was in this similar situation with his first daughter.  He gave her up for adoption to her mother's sister (he was only 16 at the time).  The sister ended up raising "Christina" as her own and did not tell her that she was adopted until 2 years ago (14th birthday).  Christina is now interested in meeting her father and mother, but it has been a long, hard journey for all of us. Plus she lives in on the West Coast and we all live on the East coast.  

Long story short.......you MUST leave it up to him!  If he isn't ready, you will only make what could be a "happy" moment, very stressful for him.......

Time heals everything and just have patience hun....It WILL pay off

Answer 5

I am so torn with this because I do not know your situation.

I am the mom of a seven year old adoptee who is curious about her mom. She wrote a letter several weeks ago and has been devastated by no response. We both wrote again last week and are patiently awaiting a response......life is so short and you do not know what tomorrow brings.

Do not spend precious time deciding what to do....I am not sure if MySpace if the proper venue. Depending on how young he is this may confuse him but if he is over 16 I would contact him.

In my experience the children want to know.......

Best of luck and keep positive!

Answer 6

If he is under 18 then I would not try and contact him on myspace. I’m pretty sure Myspace has a new rule that anyone under 18 who has a profile must have it set to private.  Also it might be sort of deceitfully to join just to ask question or read stuff  but not reveal who you are. There was this other birthmother who found her daughter on myspace and she had a friend get added to her birthdaughters page.  The BD and friend have been exchanging PM's. Well if she doesn’t come clean soon it’s possible the girl will not take it well. That her birthmother pretty much sent a spy on to her myspace.

I think you should try and contact his parents honestly he should  know that his adoption is kinship. His parents should not be upset they are the ones that has raised the boy he is their son even more then he is yours, no offense.

Now if he is 18 then if you want you can go ahead and try and contact him

Answer 7

you should be able to have contct with your family. that is weird. but if he is young [12-16] don't risk it. he can get deffensive and try and push you away or get attched and try and push his adoptive parents away. wait til he is 17-18 because that age is when his adoptive parent's cannot dictate his life. i say message him on myspace when he is tht age and say hey, this is me if you dont want to talk, i understand but if you do, im all for it.

Answer 8

I waited too d**n long to search for my daughter, I was afraid so it took me 30 years to get up the courage to find her and only a couple of months to actually find her. I think you should wait until he's an adult but any time after that, go for it.

Answer 9

It depends on how old he is. If he's under 13 I would contact his parents first that way you guys can unite and do it together. If h'se older than that then I think he would be happy to hear from you and is old enough to decide what to do from there.

I contacted my sister many times, always through her mother. It wasn't until she was 21 that I was able to contact her myself.

Good luck, and how exciting for you : J )

Answer 10

If he's not 18, stay away.  That's what's best for him.  When he is ready to find you, he will.  Even if he is never ready to meet you, you will have to accept that.  If he knows he's adopted, his parents can't stop him from finding you once he turns 18.

I'm 24 years old and I've been adopted since birth.  I'm still struggling to decide whether or not I want to meet my birth mom but I would never forgive her if she decided to make that choice for me.

You know, you people can thumbs down me all you want, but I KNOW WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT.  How?  BECAUSE I'M AN ADOPTED KID.  So as far as I'm concerned, all of you that THINK you know what it's like don't know a thing.

If I were this woman, I wouldn't take advice about what's best for the child from anyone that hasn't been in that child's position... because nobody knows what an adopted kid goes through except other adopted kids.

Answer 11

Who told you not to contact the parents?  I would say that is something to heed only if it came from them.  The best thing to do, is if you are ready, is to contact the parents and let them know that if/when he is ready, you'd like to meet.  You don't want to upset his life, I am sure, but it sounds like you want the option to be open if he chooses it.  And that is fine.  So, contact the parents and let them know you are around and willing, even would like to (under whatever guidelines they set) and let them take it from there.  You don't want them to panick or feel threatened, and truly, it is their decision, they've raised the child for his life thus far.  

Good luck to you, and I hope it works out well.

Answer 12

Contact his parents through another family member.  Ask for permission to view his myspace page, and sound them out about contact.

Don't be too surprised if he is not as interested in contact as you are... boys tend to be less interested in their roots than girls.

Answer 13

Wait until he turns 18.  Then just take it slow and introduce yourself.  Don't feel bad if he tells you that he wants nothing to do with you.  18 year olds will do that and then wonder why later down the road.

Answer 14

Funny how most of the adoptive parents on here are telling you to wait.

I'm an adoptee - and I SO SO SO wish that my mother would have reached out to me.

But - I'm a girl - and sometimes we women process things differently to males.

I think ALL adoptees should be allowed to know ALL their families - know their truth - know the reasons why - know who they look like and act like - just know. (and contact if possible - if there is no danger imminent)

And I believe that ALL adoptees should NEVER be pressured to love any family member more or less - just to make another family member feel better.

It should be about the adoptee - that had no choice in adult matters.

I'd say give it a shot.

Reach out.

Nothing heavy.

Just let him know you're around - and if he wants answers to questions - you're available.

If word gets out - and you haven't gone through the parents - be ready for some fall-out. If they asked you not to contact - they'll be cranky if you reach out this way. They obviously want control.

But ultimately - this adoptee should be allowed some choices.

Let him know you're around - let him know that you mean him no harm or pressure - and when he's ready - hopefully - he'll come around.

If the parents advised you not to contact him - they were looking after their own interests - not your child's.

Adoptees need their truth - to work out where they fit in the world - to know who they are.

Whichever path you choose - I wish you and your son all the very best.

Email me if you want to know some great online forums for first mothers - as you may need some support around you.

Answer 15

well depends on how old

if hes still young dont contact him yet

i was adopted and sorry no offense intended, but i dont think i would want to meet my biological parents. at least not untill later on.

Answer 16

You may be ready but he may not be. Wait till he is 21 or better yet, till he finds you

Answer 17

I would first contact his parents and tell them you're interested in contact now.They might surprise you and be open to it. Also this seems  like the least stressful approach for your son. If they don't want to help maybe there is another trusted family member who knows him  and can tell you how he feels about being adopted, and if he's interested in  meeting his birthmom.

Answer 18

Ladydi,

Life is too short.  I would contact his parents.  I would also ignore advice from someone who is not familiar with adoption, such as the person who told you to not contact his parents.  You are his First Mother and you are just as important to who he is as a person as his second parents are!  Good Luck to you.