I found out recently that my wifes child that was adopted in 1991..?

Question

....has NOT BEEN TOLD he was adopted...his DOB is 5/2/91. The adoptee parents have said they have NO intention of telling him.What would you do,if in my wifes place?

Answer 1

if she wanted him to know, then she should have arranged an open adoption.  i think in this case, everyone is wrong.  i believe all adopted children should know.  there are medical issues here, such as family history.  what if the boys parents (the ones who raised him) have no history of heart disease, but he has a heart attack at a young age and they find out it's hereditary?  that could clue him in and make him pissed at his parents.  and she needs to remember why she gave him up and why she gave him to parents who didn't want him to know.  she could have included in the agreement that he knows her.  that's very common today.  i think it's unfair of her if she wants to be in his life now, and he doesn't even know she exists as his birth mother.

Answer 2

Nothing. Its not her place. They are now the legal parents of the child. One day he'll probably find out anyways and it will blow up in their faces.

Answer 3

Sadly there is not much you or she can do.  Adoption is difficult and with a closed adoption (which is sounds like this was) is even harded.  My adoption was a open one and I always knew about my bio family.  Once the child turns 18, you can get the records open and let him know the truth.  Most of us *knew* we were adopted even if our parents didn't tell us.  Don't ask me how we just did.  Adoption is a legal binding agreement, and once the papers are signed all rights to the child are given up.  Unless a prior agreement between the parents exsisted there isn't much to do.  Many agencies (like the one mine was through) would give NOT out names of families.  I lost contact with mine around the age of 5 and it took 10 years to find them again.  I wish you the best of luck.

Answer 4

I know waiting is no fun.  Believe me, I know.

And I think that not telling him is wrong.  If he really hasn't been told, then he is being lied to by people that should be taking care of him.  They may think they are doing right by him by lying to him, but lying is never the right thing to do.

Having said that, I do think you are going to have to wait.  Another year and four days.  I know that's going to seem like an eternity.  But you don't want to do anything now, while he's a minor, and get the law involved.  (I think Gershom's right:  If they haven't told him, they aren't going to take kindly to you showing up.)

I wish things were different.  Good luck to both of you.

Answer 5

This is disgusting Dave.

No adoptee should be told lies.

Your wife didn't ruin his life - the adoptive parents did.

Keep that front and centre. THEY DID THIS.

And they are continuing the hurt - by keeping his truth from him.

The adoption was illegal - of course they have lied to him - to keep the pretend alive.

He will one day learn the truth.

Document EVERYTHING.

He will one day want to see the truth - it will take time to process - to try and unravel the lies his adoptive parents have told him.

Even interview your wife - and write it all down. (video tape it perhaps) Interview others that know of the truth.

Grab all the documents that you can.

It's probably going to take a long time for her son to come around when he finally finds out the truth - who knows - he may already have hidden knowledge about his truth already.

Many late discovery adoptees I know - say that when they eventually found out - it all made perfect sense.

I wish you both all the very best.

Just put the proof all together.

I have a feeling that these AP's will try to counter your attacks at every turn - once contact is made.

They did it once - they'll surely do it again - in a heart-beat.

Answer 6

If they have no intention of telling him I have the *feeling* that they would be the type to put a restraining order on you if you attempted contact.

So, since the power is in their hands, it sounds like you're going to have to wait until he is 18 to contact him yourselves.

I would send them information from www.latediscovery.org That is run by a man who goes by bb_church is the the co-organizer of the Adoptee Rights Demonstration and if you contact me I'll give you his personal email and I'm sure he can give you some good resources about the effects of not telling adoptees about their adoption.

This has profound effects on some adoptees and I question the ability to even BE a parent if the adopters can't even tell the adoptee about the first chapter of his life.

I would send them the information, if they care about the son, they'll read it with an open mind. And let them know that you have every intention of contacting him when he turns 18 ( as is your right to do so ) and that then the fault will be on them.

It pisses me off to no end when adopters don't even tell the adoptee he/she's adopted.

I noticed that you said it was a bad adoption, was it bad on their part? have they always been like this? I wouldn't doubt it. People keep secrets like this only when THEY have something to hide and that ticks me off. This is supposed to be about HIM.

And then the fact that he's a he even makes it more difficult. Men are so suppressed emotionally in our society I hope he has the confidence to "feel" openly about this at all.

contact me, i'll put you in touch w/ BB.

ETA: it is not a "right" to NOT tell an adoptee about their adoption. Its the OBLIGATION of an adoptive parent to tell an adoptee of their adoption. When they don't fullfill that obligation, it then becomes the DUTY of anyone else who CARES about the adoptee to tell them of their origins.

ETA: And a first mother making contact with her adopted child isn't the one who ruined their life because they weren't told of their adoption. The ADOPTIVE PARENTS are the ones who ruined the life by not telling. its THEIR OBLIGATION.

Answer 7

It is absolutely the right of the adoptive parents whether or not they want to tell their child if he is adopted or not. And it is not our place to judge them if they choose not to. However it may destroy the parent child relationship if he finds out on his own, which is never under the right circumstances. What your wife can do is just prepare for all of the questions if he or she comes asking......and hope for the best.

Answer 8

wow.. dave i'm so sorry.

i think gersh and phil have some great advice for you.  i really do wish you and your wife the best.

oh...there were not a lot of "open adoptions" in 1991.

Answer 9

I don’t agree with this anyone who is adopted (or even created via donor sperm or egg) should be told. However I feel it’s up the person’s parents to tell them and no one else, imo. It’s not the place for some birthfamily who are strangers to come in and announce this to the young man. He may one day find  out  things like this often come out.

I read a story of one man who was 45 when he found out. His mother had just  died, father had died a few  years prior. And he was going through the things in their home and that’s how he found out. A shock certainly yet he said he still loved his parents just couldn’t understand why they didn’t tell him.

In some cases someone could go their whole life’s and not know. Sometimes ignorance is bliss.  You know both the birthparents so I would suggested that they someone how get any vital medical information to this boys parents.  Maybe as Gershome said send them some material on what can happen if a person finds out they are adopted later in life, even more if they are not told by their parents.

Answer 10

NOTHING!  It might be hard on her but it will be harder on the child.  Just make sure that SHE is available should they ever need medical info.

Answer 11

Personally, I'd mind my own business.  Regardless of everything else, the new parents are just that, the legal parents and right or wrong it is their decision to make.  I don't like it but it's no longer anyone else's business.  Anything else is just as wrong as not telling him.

Answer 12

The truth will come out someday and he will resent his parents for not telling.

NO parent has the RIGHT to keep something so huge from their child.

Answer 13

First of all I will like to commend you on supporting your wife but you should leave it up to your wife to take care of this.

I don't either no how she know that he have not been told that he has been adopted and if he haven't been told knowing the truth will turn his whole life up side down but on the flip side of this, it may not turn his world up side down if he had a loving adoptive parents. He may look at it as they loved him so much that they didn't want to tell  him and it may be good reason why the biological mom gave him to these wonder people. He may not have regret one way or the other.  

He may be the type to admire both set of parents and he just may be mad over the whole ordeal. The child has to be analyzed before deciding which or what avenue to take.

The child personality has a lot to do with what should be done and how the situation should be approach.

Answer 14

I'm curious as to how your wife knows the child hasn't been told.  It obviously isn't an open adoption or he would know.  How does she know who adopted him?  I agree that there is nothing she can do at this point.  When he is 18, if she feels strongly enough about it, since she seems to know where he is, she could tell him.  I guess what she needs to determine is whether that would be in his best interest.  And I'm curious as to why she didn't request an open adoption if she wanted to keep in contact with the child.  Just really not enough info for me to give an unbiased answer here, I guess.  Good luck.

Answer 15

I ask the same question how does she know he hasn't been told? Once he turns 18 she can legally contact him, he's an adult his adoptive parents can't say anything about it.  Does your wife realize he may reject her? Speaking to the child will definately turn it upside down especially since he doesn't know he's adopted!  I think it's fine for her to contact him but realize all of the ramifications.  I really think you should let it go & leave it to your wife to decide.

Answer 16

I can't add much to anything that has been posted by those who know.  At least you only have about a year left to wait.

Answer 17

If a teenager has not been told by his aparents that he was adopted, then it doesn't matter WHO tells him, but that he should be told ASAP.   It disgusts me when a-parents want to lead lives of lies, but even worse, they are hurting the child they claim to love.

BTW, I need to clear up a misunderstanding.  There is no law that prevents a natural parent from contacting their child whether the child is 18 or younger.  NONE.  It is no different than any other stranger contacting the child.  Doesn't matter what contract you sign as it is unenforceable.

Answer 18

I would advise that your wife needs to talk about this with a professional counselor and take advice from someone who is actually qualified to help her decide what her place is and the implication of any or her actions....Rather than listen to a bunch of people on Yahoo with their own personal feelings about this topic.

The truth is the Adoptive Parents are WRONG for this action or your wife may have been fed a line of bull because his parent's don't feel he is ready at this young age... I have a 24 yr old son and even if he was adopted and knew it--he would have a difficult time at this stage of life dealing with contact if there had never been any.....  

His adoptive parents may very well have told him...and they don't have to inform the world about the choices they make as parents... They can decide who to tell what to...and don't have to answer to anyone except their son about this matter....

Your wife doesn't have any rights at this time -- this is not her child and she does not know what his needs are at this moment... All that I would suggest is that if she want's to make any kind of contact to do so with the agency, lawyer or find a way to let the AP's know that she is or isn't willing to have contact...otherwise why would someone want to stomp on a kid this young--just starting life on his own.....