I gave my child up for an open adoption 4 years ago but have only got pictures once what can I do?

Question

I was 21 and not ready for a baby the father and I were on and off for over a year and we are now married and have been for 3 years.We did an open adoption with these people they had 2 others they had adopted before and they seemed like wonderful parents.I was scared to death but went through with it and I informed them of when I wanted pictures each year.Well sad to say they sent them that first year and that was it.I have called every year on his birthday,wrote them letters,left messages none of them returned.They live maybe 45 minutes from here and we live in and around small towns and I am just afraid to one day run into them what should I say?anything?should I just walk away?Should I keep calling on his birthday?I just feel like I have made a big mistake and regret it all.It's heartbreaking and sad to me that people can be like that after you chose them out of thousands of people who can't have kids.Any advice?

Answer 1

Sadly, this happens all too often...adopters will promise all sorts of things to get your baby, then they renege when the adoption is finalized.  This is the fallacy of "open" adoption...people who knowingly lie to a woman in order to trick her out of her child.

Unfortunately, there isn't much you can do, because open adoption agreements are not legally enforceable.

Women in your situation need to speak up.  Tell your story, find other mothers that this has happened to (believe me, it happens ALL the time), get the TRUTH out there of the sick, disgusting practices of some APs and the lies and deceit that they go to in order to connive and steal babies from pregnant women.

Maybe this way, we will FINALLY start to see changes in the unethical practices of adoption.

Maybe, we will FINALLY get some legislation that prohibits this sick and disgusting behavior.

I'm sorry this had to happen, but maybe you can prevent it from happening to someone else.

Answer 2

I am sorry open adoptions are not enforceable. You can certainly call on his birthday and continue to write them but if they have not responded his first year I would not hold your breath. This is their child now and has been for 4 years this is the only family this little boy knows.  You have no rights to him at all and again open adoptions are not enforceable in most states.

Of course ethically they are wrong they agreed to an OC and they should have kept and from what I gather only a semi-open. Such as pictures and updates a few times a year.  Their son very possible could be upset at them one day but they will have to face that when it comes.

edit - i would not recommenced spying that is just plain wrong and makes you seem like a stalker.

Answer 3

well depending on how old ur son is if he is over 4 then more than likely he wont want to come back with u cuz if he was raised with those people even though u r his biological mother ur like a stranger to him cuz he has been with them so long getting use to u would be hard..i watched a movie exactly like that where this lady adopted this little boy when he was born and years later when he was like 5 his mother came back and wanted her son back but he was so attached to his non-biological mom that he didnt want to go and he would always cry when he was with his real mom and at the end his real mom gave him back cuz she knew he was happier and she wanted the best 4 him but they always met up with each other and went out to eat and always kept her informed...so i think its to late to get full custody of him but if u go to court and say that u would like to see him and get together with his foster parents and go out to eat or something or go to parks and just meet up with each other.....so he would know ur his mom but more than likely he is feels more secure with the family he is with right now.

Answer 4

Try to contact the adoptive parent's first... find out why they are not allowing the open adoption.  Talk to a lawyer and see if you have any rights in this situation, you might not, so you'll have to live with your decision.

Answer 5

Gosh, I hate to hear things like this. Contact the agency and see if there is anything that they can do. Our daughter is adopted and she knows her adoptive mother, sees her and she receives pictures. It is important for a child to know their biological relatives as long as there is no danger to the child. One day, your child will know you and you will be able to tell him how hard it was for you to contact him. That is why it is so hard for me to understand people.... this child will know! I would not want my daughter to know that I keep her from knowing her birthmom. Keep calling on his birthday. Make the message light as possible. No name calling or anything. Again, he will know one day what is going on.

Best of luck!

Answer 6

Keep calling.  Send letters and keep copies.  Keep a journal of your attempts to contact your child.  They are probably telling your child all sorts of lies about you.  Someday you will have contact with your child and will need evidence that you thought about him/her all of the time and wanted to stay in touch.  This scenario happens all of the time in so called "open" adoptions.

And please, please, please - tell every person you know that open adoption is a lie designed by agencies and lawyers to get babies away from their rightful parents who are in temporary difficult times.  Your story is important and must be heard.  Mothers need you to speak up!!

Thousands of families are duped in open adoption lies every year.  Please help to put a stop to it.

Answer 7

It depends on what state you live in and whether your state truly honors Open Adoption in a legal sense.  

If these people agreed to an open adoption and are not following through then they are in the wrong ethically. Legally, it's foggy.  Get a lawyer and see what you can do.

Answer 8

What a difference a year makes--married to the baby's father, and all is well.  

Sigh.

Don't bother sending the letters.  Keep them so you can give them to him as an adult, since, sadly, it soulds like that's when you'll see hime next.  

Just because people can't have kids, doesn't mean they are honorable people.  They told you what you wanted to hear, and lied to your face.  Disgusting.  It will come back to bite them...

I think you should start a blog about your experiences.  The public needs to know about the LIE that is called "open adoption".

Hugs.

P.S. Don't lose track of them--they might move.  Maybe when your child is old enough to know better, you can start running into them.  I would have LOVED to know my mother before I was 22.

Also, I think you ought to join http://www.origins-usa.org

Answer 9

I would write a letter to the AP's, asking them for a reason why they have closed the adoption.  They agreed to something they are not sticking to and at the very least, you deserve to know why.  I wouldn't be threatening in anyway, but explain to them that you just need to know how he's doing and that you have no intention of interfering with their parenting, but you gave your baby to them, believing that they would honor your wishes.  Send it certified.  That way you know they received it and you will have a receipt you can keep to show him some day.

As to hiring a PI to 'stalk' him, don't do it.  It could scare the heck out of any kid.  Maybe the AP's deserve that kind of fear and treatment, but HE doesn't.

ETA:  Independent, you simply misunderstood my intent, but, no need to apologize, seriously.  I didn't suggest that she write so they can justify it.  I suggested she write so she can 1) make them realize their actions are causing her more and unnecessary pain, 2) make them feel guilty, if possible, and 3) get it on record that she is trying to maintain her part of the agreement.

FYI, just so you know, I HAVE kids.  I don't under estimate them at all.  I think YOU might not understand kids all too well if you don't think that some stranger following them around wouldn't scare them.

Answer 10

well if u love ur son i would fight for him back

but if u dont i would just let him be happy with his new mom ad daddy

Answer 11

http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index;...

seriously...this is too much!

ps. i'm really sorry the aparents promised you the "sun, moon and stars" just to swipe your kid...:-(

ETA: i'm always amazed at how people who've never placed a child (or been pregnant) can tell a mother how she should feel...

Answer 12

My heart goes out to you. I understand how you feel. I had gone through 2 open adoptions in my lifetime. Even though they were "open" meaning I gave free will to the adoptive parents to keep me posted on milestones or at least pix once in a while, I didn't receive them either. I commend you for making that choice since it's not the easiest to make. It can be a better choice compared to others and it's your selfless love for your child to do that.

It's not your fault for the choice you made and there should be no regret. But your feelings are your own and you have a right to feel deeply about it.

I would not do so much calling to the family or they may consider it harassment. They have moved on with their lives as you have. There's no way to undo what's been done and once you've signed the papers giving up your parental rights then that's it. It is a tough decision to make. It takes trusting that you placed your child in capable hands to raise them. You have every right to go through a grieving process as with anyone who's ever experienced a loss.

Just start from today learning how to trust things are alright even though you haven't heard from them. For your peace of mind go through the attorney or agency that did your adoption and let them know what's been going on and what the agreement was in case they should be the ones who contact the adoptive parents for you.

It took me years till I finally dealt with my grief and wept so hard. I went through stages of guilt, denial, sadness then finally ended up with acceptance for my decision knowing I did the right thing. I had to be content with my decision. Within a year after I met my feelings head on I got a call from the attorney that did my open adoptions and the first family I blessed with a little girl contacted me. I was reunited with her when she was 12 and now she's 18. I had to learn to trust that whatever the timing is for that event then I had to be happy with it.

I still haven't been reunited with my other girl but I still hold out hope for that day to come. Even though I've never had any contact since then. She's 14 now.

Just trust more and get answers you need to help you get through this. You'll be stronger and more ready for that time when you do get to meet again.

Best of luck!!

Answer 13

im 22 also,  you will need a lawer and start from there its hard to get them back, but its ur blood the law will give him back to  you     due in feb with # 3 baby and counting :) mommy of 6 month old baby boy and 3 year old little girl :) goodluck

Answer 14

I'm assuming you/they went through an adoption agency right?  You didn't just hand over your baby to these people.  If it is truly an open adoption and they are not agreeing to the terms, then contact the adoption agency and see what they can do.

Answer 15

So, would you still have surrendered your baby if you had known that you would have received only one picture and that was that?  

Did you believe that there was "legal backing" such that they actually had to live up to their promises?  

I think they closed the adoption.  Frankly it happens all the time. I think you were conned out of your baby if you believed that a verbal agreement was legally binding or that they would live up to it.  

Be prepared to wait until he is 18 and you can legally contact him   Also be prepared for the fact that he likely grew up being told that he was unwanted by you and wanted ("chosen") by them.  After all, if a mother really loves her baby she'll keep him, right?  That is the logical conclusion that children draw and we can't blame them one bit for it, as adoption as a legal institution was designed specifically to give homes to unwanted babies.

Answer 16

Talk to the adoption agency, they may be able to find out information.  

Answer 17

I would do what many nmoms have started doing when the Ap's pull this c**p. Go around the law and hire private detectives to video tape them at school events and other activities. Its legal as long as it done on public property.   Your child will see that you wanted to be a part of their life and how it was the Aps that held them hostage.

I met a woman that did this and showed her child the video's after their reunion when he was 17. He doesn't have much to do with the Ap's any longer because he felt cheated and was hurt that they did this to his mother.

Edit: Sorry John but there is no reason that these Ap's can possibly give to justify isolating the child. You under estimate kids. Its the ap's getting worried/scared about it not the children. They want to know why mom has to do this when its obvious she wants to be a part of their lives.

Answer 18

This has got to be a bad situation for you. Please don't take this the wrong way but I think you should let him go. I mean I know hes your biological son but you  gave him up to a loving family 4 years ago. They are all he knows, they are his parents now. Not saying you will but, could you imagine how the boy would feel if you came and ripped him out of the house away from his parents to come live with you? If I adopted a child, especially as a baby, I would expect that baby to live with me for life. If the biological parents wanted to take the child from me, Id fight tooth and nail. You gave up that baby 4 years ago. I don't think its right to rip a child from their home because you feel you made a mistake. Parents don't understand that when they give up a child and the child goes to a permanent home THAT is their home and life now. No matter how much it hurts, you should let him stay with his parents, that have raised him and loved him his whole life. All you are going to do is make things harder. You chose to give him up, and you need to deal with the consequences. Right now you need to think about your son, and not yourself. Don't confuse him. If you want pictures sent to you then I think they should at least send you pics. But even calling on his birthday,  is really going to confuse him. You really shouldn't be calling ALL of the time. That is kinda wrong. Like I said, please don't take this as if I was being rude, Im not. Its a very tough situation. Just put him number 1 and think about whats best for him. Also think how the parents feel after raising him his whole life and the possibility of you taking him back. Im sure they are terrified. Good Luck!

Answer 19

first of all you werent ready please you should have been responsible but know thta your ready try to get him back and stay in touch at least but really try not just i call once and say you tryed do more than that

Answer 20

If you feel that your son might be not taken care of properly you should call social services, but in any case, you signed up for an open adoption and they have not brought up their end of the deal, you should call them and tell them that they need to be keeping you in the loop. You should be firm and if that doesn't work you should call the adoption agency and have them call the family

Answer 21

Not to burst your bubble, but the adoption was 4 years ago, from what I read it looks like both of you consented to the adoption.  With those facts there is no way you can get a lawyer and get your baby back.  That only happens in cases where someone did not know, usually the father, and that is usually rare.  So don't get a lawyer and try because you will loose.

Now what you can do is keep trying.  Keep writing letters and calling.  Make a journal, and when your child is 18 let them have your journal to read so they know what you went through.  Write a heartfelt letter to your child's parents saying that you would like the Open adoption to continue, etc.  All else fails, bump into them at the local store, say Hi, but know if this happens you might "scare" them and they could move, then you will not know where the child has gone.

Answer 22

start by contacting the agency you went through being as you both agreed to an open adoption you have rights. if they aren't holding up their end then you spending time to contact the agency shows you really care and if that doesn't make them straiten out you'd have to contact a lawyer. with a contract you should have no problem getting everything straightened out in a timly manner.

Answer 23

The child has new parents now.  You gave her away.  If I had adopted a child, I wouldn't want the birth mother bothering me all the time, either.  That child would be mine, and no one elses.  Leave them alone.  You made the decision four years ago, now live with it.

Answer 24

OMG, are you all serious I'm a mother of a 1year old gurl, and 3 month boy, and me and my man still be doing the nasty with out pertection and said we could not affored a third baby, so I was gonna do open adoption. So that he/or/she (if pregno) can still see there siblings, and I wont have to abort.

Thinks to this form I reconsider that bullsh*t, I'd rather get two jobs then to lose my baby for good, and I agree with Lillie tell your story cuz I almost fell into that and I'm sure many other will.

Answer 25

I do not have any personal experience in this matter; however, I believe you have every right (and you should) continue to call him on his birthday, send cards, letters, etc. If they had not wanted you to be a part of his life, they should have opted for a closed adoption process.

Answer 26

Dear Mdm,

Nothing breaks my heart more than to hear another door close on an "open" adoption.  I am so sorry for your pain.

I agree with Sunny completely.  Write a blog to warn other moms, sadly i hear this way too often.  Help break the adoption "myths".  Keep writing to your child, even if you don't send them.  You will be able to show this to your grown child someday.

There are some of us aparents who honor our open adoption, no matter what, because its whats best for mother and child.  Sadly we are small in numbers compared to the many others to break their promises.

Again, so sorry for your pain.  (((hugs)))