I gave my daughter away for adoption and I am feeling devastated now...?

Question

I am a single parent with two kids. I have just given birth to a healthy and beautiful daughter and as promised, I had "given her away" for adoption to my best friend who has been married for more than 5 years and had no children. I have sleepless night since I gave her away. I thought I am strong enough to face this, but I'm wrong. I am torn between the love of my daughther and the promises I've made to my friend. I am a working mum and I am confident that I can look after my daughter, but it's the promises that makes me feel so guilty. My friend and his wife are so "into" my daughter and they had been buying todler's stuff, etc for her. Even their family are so "into" my daughter - I can see the love, care and concern from them towards my daughter. I hate myself for trying to be "cool" when I saw them kissing, hugging and giving her love......Now I am really feeling so devastated. I don't want my daughter to hate me when she learnt about the adoption. Please help...

Answer 1

Well, why did you give her up in the first place? So that she would have a better life? So that she would have opportunities that you cannot give her right now? Stop thinking about your jealousy and the promises you made to your friend, and think about what is best for your daughter in the long run.

There is no reason to keep the adoption secret from your daughter -- you can be her biological mommy, but legally she has new parents. You can still love her and maybe this sacrifice is one way you are showing your love.

Answer 2

How old is your daughter??

Get her back - if it's not too late.

This is why - in Australia - no pre-birth matching is done.

It's coercive.

Babies and mothers should NOT be separated - if it's absolutely not needed.

You can raise this child - and you should.

Yeah - it's really sad that your friends will be upset.

BUT - a child is NOT a 'gift'. Should NEVER be a 'gift'.

A child grows inside his/her mother - and wants to BE WITH his/her mother for the rest of their days.

You may well lose this friendship - but we're talking about your flesh and blood here - YOUR CHILD.

Get her back.

NOW.

If you need help - PM me - and I'll send you some links.

Answer 3

I am so sorry you are in pain as I can't even imagine.

Has the adoption been finalized? If not, then you have every legal right to raise her. I suggest you tell your friends NOW. You may lose them as friends, however, I am sure that the loss of friendship will be an easier pill to swallow than the loss of your daughter.

If the adoption has been finalized, then I am so sorry, but there is no going back. As much as it must kill, I would suggest you maintain a great relationship with the parents and most importantly your daughter.

Good luck!!!

Answer 4

This is YOUR flesh and blood child you're talking about here.  If that adoption isn't finalized and you wish to raise her, then DO IT.  No one owes their flesh and blood to anyone else, no matter what arrangements were originally planned.  This may still be fixable -- if the adoption isn't finalized yet.  Take care of this NOW, otherwise you will have to live with it for the rest of your life, as will your daughter.  

If you lose a couple of friends in the process, they weren't such good friends in the first place.  True friends wouldn't want to see you permanently separated from your child.  They would want to see you two happy together.  

It's not like you "promised" them your car when you were done using it.  THIS IS YOUR CHILD!  YOUR child.  I don't doubt that they love her, and that's all well and good.  You may have thought you were making a good decision at the time.  This is why people should not make "pre-birth" matches.  They then feel obligated.  No one is obligated to give away their own child, for crying out loud.

Answer 5

If this woman is truly your "best friend" then she would never have taken your precious baby daughter from you.

If she is truly your "best friend" then you should be able to go to her and tell her how you feel, and she should give you your daughter back, no questions asked.

Babies don't need a "better life"...they need the mother they were born to and bonded with in utero and love and want and need.  Get your daughter back!!!  If this woman hates you for it, then she was never your "best friend" to begin with.

But what is more important?  Your own flesh and blood or a fake friend who was only after your kid?

Answer 6

You do not owe your flesh and blood to anyone.  How can anyone expect you to follow through on a promise like that?  Don't feel obligated.  They should have been prepared for the possibility that you couldn't give away your child.  If they weren't prepared...well, they'll get prepared real fast.  They can adopt another child.  YOU can't replace the child you gave birth to...THEY can.

Answer 7

I cant even imagine your pain but all i have to say is think about these questions and make a desicision.

1. Do you love your daughter enough to get her back and possibly lose good friends?

2. How would your daughter feel if she found out you gave her up for no reason and that she has brothers and sisters she doesnt know about or dont know there family?

3. Would you be able to forgive your real mother if you were in that same position?

4. What problems and pain will your daughter when she's older because of your mistake?

If you cant get her back Im so sorry to make you think about all of this but if you can i want you to consider all of this. Im only 15 but I have wisdom beyond my years. I've been through a lot and i live with my mother but i have no relationship with her because of her past mistakes that affected my life and i have had a lot of pain. And its really hard to get over something which was not in your controll. Trust me when I say it's hard and it takes God's healing to fix my life. And your daughters so I want you to consider all of this. Thanks for reading.

Answer 8

Dear Sadmama,

I am so sorry for your pain.  I can't pretend to know what you are going thru.  I know adoption sounds great on paper but IRL its much different.  Its hard to know if adoption is for you or not until after your daughter is born.  So please ignore some of these ignorant answers, they probably know nothing about adoption.  The first mothers, adoptees, prospective adoptive parents, and adoptive parents here are the ones tell you to get your daughter back.  Tish has ties to adoption too;)

Some promises were made to be broken.... This is one of them.  I don't care who they are, it is not your job to provide a baby to childless couples.  Anyone who expects you to do this is not a true friend.

Almost all prospective adoptive parents understand a mother's right to change her mind.

From my what i hear over and over and over again, is that this is just the beginning of your pain.  It will not get easier or better with time.

Please do not feel guilty.  I hope and pray you haven't terminated your parental rights yet.  Get your daughter back.

I wish you and your daughter all the best.

Answer 9

If you really feel that saddened by the thought of being away from her, then ask your friends if you can be an active part of the child's life. Sadly, you can't reverse your decision, because it would cause just as much emotional distress to the family that you're feeling right now.

Try to be as active as possible in the child's life, and accept that now she has two loving mothers.

Answer 10

Do you think that was the best. I was a single mom of three I gave my youngest two to this woman that was supposed to let me get on feet, and give them back. Now she wants to adopt them I told her ye beings that she has had them for 8 years and I do get to see them and they get to come to my house. But I regret doing that but I thought it was the best for them.It is hard to try to do thing on your own sometimes,now I am married going on four years and want to have a baby, but I can't because I got my tubes tied. I have a relationship with my other two kids. Now I am thinking about adopting  a baby. Even though I don't have my other two I wasn't ready and now I am. Do you get to see your daughter? If not that wouldn't be right.

Answer 11

What a beautiful thing you did for this couple. I think you should think twice about it before taking her back. She's in a living home. This couple has bonded as her parents. On the other hand your heart is aching. I know what that feels like. My heart goes out to all of you. I don't know if the adoption was formalized, but if it was you really can't have her back and the best bet is to maintain a relationship with your friends. Don't worry about your daughter hating you. In the future she will know that you loved her enough to want the best for her, and that her parents longed to have her. Your daughter will be blessed to have so many people who love her. Please think about the decision you're about to make, about how it will affect all of your lives.

Answer 12

If the adoption isn't finalized, or if you are still within "waiting period", you can legally change your mind.  

I believe that adoption is the best option for people who are unwilling or unable to parent.  Especially since you are close to the adoptive parents, it's easy to feel obligated.  But even speaking as an adoptive parent, you need to push that aside.  

The right of a mother to change her mind is emphasized over and over again, to the adoptive parents.  They know you have every right to do this.  

Very best of luck to you.

Answer 13

Well, I would suggest talking to them first and telling exactly what you posted. Then you'll see what they're really made of.

Don't let them guilt you any further and contact an attorney tomorrow to see how you can get her back. Good luck.

Answer 14

My advice, before you do anything rash I suggest you talk to a counselor.  What you are feeling is normal.  Just remember though, the reasons you gave her up still are valid.  She has a good family, and you did that so that she could have a good life and the kids you already have can keep the same standard of living etc.  I feel bad for you, my sister put 2 babies up for adoption and she feels sadness about it too, but she takes a step back and reminds herself why she did it.  She isn't going to hate you, you gave her life and gave her a good family. A HAND PICKED family!

Talk to a professional about how you feel before you try to take the baby back.  Especially if the adoption is final, if that is the case then bringing this up to your friend and his wife may do more harm than good.  They may close you out of the baby’s life if they feel threatened.

Answer 15

She won't hate you.  My mother gave me up, she did the same thing for my sister to the same family.  We still saw her, and had a strong bond with her, but were grateful for the gift she gave us.  She had other children who we called our brothers and sister, and we were all like a family, but we had different homes.  I love my adoptive parents and my biological mother.  She did the right thing.  But I think what you're feeling is totally normal, and if you can't hadle it, then talk to your friend.  But just so you know, you can still love your daughter even if she is now someone else's daughter.

Answer 16

ok... i'm going over to the pregnancy board and post a question:

the question will read: "if you are considering adoption, have you researched adoption-related issues and loss?

i mean, seriously...i'm so heartsick reading these types of questions referring to "regretting adoption placements."

far too many young women are regretting adoption decisions, and are basically screwed when they try to get their children back.  

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depending on the situation of your adoption order, you might still be able to not go through with the adoption.  if you haven't signed termination of parental rights papers, then i'd advise you to go get our daughter, and deal with the friendship later.

ps. don't let anyone tell you that you are just reacting to hormones...you are reacting to the natural love you have for your daughter.

Answer 17

Dear SadMama,

You situation sounds so familiar to me. I too, gave my "friends" (in quotations because I did not think friends could do things like this) children because I wanted them to be happy. First a son and then a daughter (who is full-blood sibling to my two raised sons and is my and my hubby of 11 years blood daughter) I too questioned my decision. I DID NOT try to get my children back. I was promised a very open relationship and that my children would know me always. They decided after "our" daughter's adoption was finalized that they no longer wished to be my friends (didn't want any "interference" or "confusion"). Now I am without my "friends" AND without two children who I still love and worry about everyday.

I AM NOT saying that your friend would do this to you, just letting you know that I can relate. My advice would be to do what your heart tells you. If your heart tells you to get your daughter, I think you should do that. Before it is too late. I didn't listen to my heart. (I even ignored red flags that were waved in my face because I BELIEVED that I was doing something kind and compassionate.) If it is not too late, get her back.

If your friend is truly your friend, even though she would be hurt and even though she may even be angry, if she is REALLY your friend she will eventually forgive you and support you. She will ALWAYS have a very special place in your daughter's life even if you raise her. She sounds like the perfect Godmother/"Un-Aunt".

I also wonder if you have asked yourself if your friendship will survive watching her raise your daughter? If you are having trouble watching them with her now, how will it feel when you disagree with a parenting choice they make? You need you ask yourself these questions and answer yourself HONESTLY.

PLEASE, unsderstand, I have the utmost sympathy for your friend's situation, however, your daughter is YOUR daughter and you as you said yourself are able to raise her. You do not owe your friend your child, nor are you responsible for her reproductive issues. I know you love your friend and wanted to help her but your daughter should be with you and her siblings if there is no real reason you shouldn't keep her.

I hope that your friend would understand and I hope that she would eventually able to be happy for you and have peace with your choices. I firmly believe that things happen for a reason (yes, even in my own situation - perhaps I am meant to be an example of what can go wrong. Who knows?) perhaps your daughter was not truly meant for them. There are millions of children who really need parents. Perhaps one of those children belogs with your friend.

I am so sorry that all of you are in this painful (for at least one party no matter the outcome) situation and hope that you all find the best solution. I hope that if you decide to get your daughter that she is returned to you easily and know that there is another child waiting for your friend. I hope with all my heart that they find each other very, very soon. Best wishes and hopes that you all have happy and healthy futures with your families and that your friendship is strong enough to survive this and any other storms the two of you face together.

Answer 18

well talk to them about it to see what they have to say and go from their