I had no idea that adopting was such a horrible thing...?

Question

...until I came here. I don't understand. Why are so many agianst adoption? I'm now afraid that my kids will feel like this eventually and hate me for adopting them and I never felt like that before reading the things on this forum. I figured they would grow up and be happy with how things turned out for our whole family. I had them as foster children for almost two years before adopting and fought my hardest to make sure they stayed together. CD wanted to split them up into different homes. I tried everything I could to help the natural parents get them back, even though it broke my heart sometimes. I make sure they get to see their baby siblings that the natural mother had after they were adopted. I try to give them a good life and be the best mother I can. But I come here and feel like a horrible person. I follow the links people list and just get sick. I never thought helping people would be such a dishonorable thing. Do any other adoptive moms feel like that here?

Answer 1

["the child is better off aborted than being placed into a family for adoption."]

I have never said. I also know quite a few adoptees online who had very loving *adoptive* families who would never say that.

In my opinion, abortion shouldn't even be compared to adoption. They are two very different aspects and I could only see an adoptee even pursuing that thought if they were abused by their adoptive families or were severely neglected.

I have never actually bashed any adoptive parents. I make them do some thinking, I try and make them see how their words might feel if the biological parents knew what they thought. (Eg. "You say your heart would break if you had to give your child back to the original mother. How do you think the mother felt, knowing she DID have to give that child up?")

Of course a lot of adoptive parents on here are trying to learn, and they're doing a d**n good job of doing so. They read the blogs. They swallow their own pride and listen. They cannot control how their children will feel, but they can certainly help them. And for that - I thank you. Your children will thank you for listening.

Yes, I know right now the world would seem like sunshine and rainbows for your child, they would seem happy about everything and play like a child and talk like a child and in general BE a child.

Children grow up.

Really. They do.

I repeat: I don't hate adoptive parents. When I posted my question about the magic wand, I saw a lot of answers that came from parents who adopted a child because the biological parents were abusive or neglectful.

In those cases adoption is obviously THE best thing, and I'm well aware of that. A child should not stay with an abusive and/or neglectful mother.

But I was directing my question to the parents whose child's original mother only needed financial help. Maybe offer some support. If they could have gone back in time and helped out the mother, would they?

Some of the answers were actually very heartbreaking. Other answers made me blink and go "Wow" because they were incredulous.

It was not so much the idea of asking them if they were willing to do so.

It was to see if they would even entertain that notion - if they would stop for thirty seconds and really think beyond the "This is *my* child" mindset.

Answer 2

Dear Lindsay,

Most people here absolutely support foster care adoption.  Those are the children who need parents the most.

Answer 3

I was just beginning to feel the same way about this forum. Here I adopted two of my children, I raise them as if I gave birth to them. I make decisions in their best interest. I never "bad mouth" the biological family, although I do not allow contact. I would never think of leaving them out of my Will as stated in another post. They sit at the front of the bus while I drive, one post asking if adoptees sit front, middle or back. If they want to meet their biological family when they are adults I'll gladly pay for the search. I am no less their mother because I didn't give birth to them but on this forum, wow, it sure seems like I take a back seat even after everything I've been through to keep them safe and from harm.

So, to answer your question, you are NOT alone!!!

Answer 4

I have learned a lot by reading some of the issues and problems that are addressed at this forum. I realized, that I needed to better educate myself, so that I could understand some of the issues, that I was not aware of, that my children will face. I weed through hateful, ugly, name-calling remakes, discard them and move on to someone that has a positive, even if I don't agree, view that will be helpful and informative. I don't have to agree with everyone's view, but views that address the problems of adoption, that express the need for reform, the need for programs and mentoring for birth moms, can be helpful to reform the adoption/foster care system, help more moms reach the goal of reunification and be there for the children.

You have not done a dishonorable thing, don't allow hateful comments make you question, your decision to adopt.

Answer 5

I agree with you wholeheartedly- it does seem that there is so much hatred for adoption and the idea of adoption here on this forum.  However,the longer I have been here the more I realize, that some actually don't hate the idea of adoption, they just hate the way that the adoption system is.  Granted some actually say they wish that they have never been adopted-  I am not one of them, I am very happy that I was adopted.   Also I have 2 adopted children.  Don't allow others to get you down. Be thankful for your 2 precious children,

Answer 6

Please link to answers that criticize people who adopt from foster care.

I have have been posting here for a year, and have NEVER SEEN one.

Never.

Answer 7

You have to understand that in every situation the people who had a negative experience and have the most pain are the most vocal about it.

Think about it. You go to your favorite restaurant 4 times a month, every month, for years.... You love it, but you never call the manager to let him know how great it is. Then one day you have a really bad experience there and you call the next morning to complain.

You are doing a wonderful thing for your children. You are a good mom. Please don't feel bad or guilty. You are doing a great job.

Answer 8

My best friends adopted 3 kids after first fostering them.  Two are brothers.  It was the most wonderful thing they could have done!  I will also tell you it was the hardest thing they have ever done.  But it has been worth it!  Good for you!  It is very honorable to adopt-especially kids that are so called hard to place (foster kids)  We should have more people like you.  People talk out of their butt, sometimes, and you just have to know that.

Edit: it is interesting that all of the answers are pro adoption ---but there are ALOT of thumbs down!

Answer 9

It's not.  And you're a good person for doing it.  Ignorant people are usually the loudest, just ignore them.

I'm not sure why some would come on and criticize those of us who have tried to do the right thing.  Even some adoptees seem to enjoy it.

And the adoptive Dads are here too!

Answer 10

One, you did not do a horrible thing. Most people want reforms in adoption. You know like open records for those adoptees who choose to search for the families. or for better ways to adopt other than an agency raking in the money. There are few people on here that are very aganist adoption, they do not speak for those who are wanting reforms. i'm adopted i should know. i love my adoptive parents very much, however i think that reforms are needed. so stop feeling horrible, i highly doubt your kids will think you are horrible, or you did a wrong thing. just be upfront and honest to them about their adoption. like all families you have your ups and downs. so don't fear the unknow, or treat them that they will think you are horrible. just love them and keep doing what you are doing.

Answer 11

bullshit what u did was beautiful , u found it in ur heart to love and provide for children that werent biologically ur own and for that u are a hero too many, ur children are gonna love u forever no matter what and whatever ppl say cant change that!

Answer 12

I do sometimes, but I don't let it get to me.  There are people on here who think adoptive parents are baby stealers / do it for the money...etc.  I pick and choose what answers I read, and for those who are just here to bash their own personal experience, then it's their opinion.  I have asked for a foster care "board" but haven't seen it yet.  It's hard to have an adoption board as there are many many reasons children come into others lives to be adopted than just agencies.  Foster Care adoption / adoption after bio parents die / step parent adoptions...etc.

Answer 13

Let me tell you something... I am a 41 year old adopted child and I want you to know that I am HAPPY!  I am so very lucky!  Do not let all these other people's bad experience's cloud yours and the experience that your children have.  Being adopted is a wonderful, loving thing.  My mother has always told me that I am adopted, i do not even remember not knowing.  Therefore no "hidden secret"  I was always told how much I was wanted and how I completed my family.  I was also told that my birth mother was young and wanted what was best for me because she loved me too.  I have always been special and happy and loved!  Just love your children and be open about everything.  There is no reason for secrets.  Just lot's of LOVE your kids will grow up happy and secure.  Oh and the worrying about your kids, Welcome to motherhood!  Even those of us who had children naturally worry  that what we do and have done is not right!  You just keep on being a loving mother and your kids will be fine!

Answer 14

It's not.  People are just expressing their feelings here and sharing their own personal experiences and prejudices that come with it.

I have actually learnt a lot from here actually.  Then again I have grown quite a thick skin from my experiences in life.  So people's opinions do not bother me, especially people I don't know.  Best to have a bit of confidence in yourself as well as thickening that skin a bit and not taking things too personally if the question does not apply to you.

Answer 15

When i was trying to conceive through IVF and went on boards that discuss and connect similar people. We had some who came to just bash us for not simply adopting. They condemned the act of IVF as it was against nature, so many children who need a home argument.

After a few years i adopted.

Now i see people spewing venom about adoption.

Don't get disheartened. What ever you do....good or bad....their are enough people out their to fight you, object.

You know you are a good mom. Get a thick skin and ignore the hate. I DO and NEVER regret my decision to be a mom through adoption.

Answer 16

I think I was more shocked at peoples attitudes more-so than any factual information people offer.

First it made me angry. Then I realized that the extremist attitudes were just that...attitudes. The extremist people even ignore and attack their fellow adoptees, and fellow paps for having ideas that differ from theirs. There is even some people who post their extremist opinions that are not adoptees, natural moms, or even an adoptive parent. They have never experienced it out right from any place in the triad, and yet have no problem pushing an agenda full of hateful rhetoric.

The most respectful group I have actually seen on here is the natural/birth moms.  Of course their are others here who are not only educated and experienced in adoption, but also have opinions that are wrapped up in compassion, not anger and hate.

I think where it all gets mixed up is that there definitely needs to be some sort of adoption reform. Some people try to blame the need on specific groups.

Some say that if paps would just stop wanting children, then there would be no need for adoption (lol. yes because if paps would just get over themselves and realize that they are not worthy to have children then of course there would be no more unwanted pregnancies or people who neglect their kids and have to have them removed *speaking tounge-in-cheek*)

Or the one that disturbes and disappoints me the most is "the child is better off aborted than being placed into a family for adoption." Funny how at the same time this statement comforts me as it shows me that the attitudes of some are just so far out there that I do not have to take them seriously.

I truly believe that whatever a woman wants to do with her body is her own right. However to make such a blanket statement as the one above, is not about prochoice. It is about hatred of adoption.

Do not let anything you read on the internet sway how you feel about your experience. You can learn a lot, but it can never tell you how you should feel about your own personal experience.

I have learned a lot. Especially about International adoption, corruption, adoption reforms, and how crappy the u.s.a is to people they are suppose to be protecting.

Answer 17

I know that this site can seem shocking at first.  I know I was horrified at seeing some of the attitudes expressed.  But I really encourage you to stick around, you can learn so much from all the opinions...even the one's that make you furious...sometimes especially the ones that make you furious.  Funny, I'm not horrified anymore and a lot of things actually make sense.

There are extremes here, but the most extreme views expressed here usually come from experiences of great pain. It is scary if you have kids to think that they might experience such pain, but this is a great place to come and explore different views in order to more fully understand what your kids MIGHT feel.

I say might because, like every issue in life, adoptees respond differently. Feelings are unique and differ greatly even within the same families.  Most love their aparents like any other kid would.  We just have different issues to deal with as we are growing up.  You can help by being aware of these issues, and this is a good place to start.

You sound like a great mom.

Answer 18

Seriously, don't let other people make you feel like that. My boyfriend was adopted and has no interest at all in finding his birth parents. We see it as there was some reason they gave him up after he was born, and his parents (the ones who raised him) are the people he calls mom and dad. You did a wonderful thing, because there are so many kids who need good parents, and don't get that opportunity. I want to adopt when I am older as well.

Answer 19

My parents adopted me when I was a month old. I was adopted from the US and I met my biological family for the first time 3 years ago. Yes I went through a stage where I had a hard time dealing with being adopted, but now that I am a bit older I am SOOOO greatful my parents adopted me. Your children may or may not go through some tuff times dealing with adoption, but I have a feeling they will come to the same conclusion I did. You are not a horrible person, just a loving and wonderful mother and TRUST me your kids know that.

Answer 20

It's not a horrible thing...it's wonderful!!! Don't let anyone, or any site tell you otherwise!!!

Answer 21

I am a firm believer in keeping my mouth shut if I don't know something. I was adopted, I am 31 now, I was contacted by my birth mother about a month ago. I had the conversation with her and my, "adoptive parents", who are my parents, no matter who comes into my life are extremely supportive.

All I have to say to you is be a parent, love them, be with them, correct them, and treat them as yours. They are your children no one can tell you otherwise.

You chose to love them, nobody else, you. I applaude you. I am so fortunate to be adopted, rather then thinking I was a mistake I knew that, even if I was, I wasn't to my parents. My parents are the most perfect examples of people I have ever known and they are my heros, and to all I measure.

Answer 22

Don't let others beat you up.  What you did is wonderful.  There is a chance that later in life they'll have identity confusion and may grow up to be angry and have behavioral issues.  It's mostly from the lack of stability early on and by having them visit their natural siblings and mother - it can actually make the confusion worse.  They may one day just want to not be with you, but be with their natural family.  Who knows.  They're young still and there's no way to predict.  Just continue to show them love and support and try to prepare for the emotional issues that they may have as they grow up and tackle them as soon as they arise rather than putting it off hoping things will get better.  Good luck sweetie.

Answer 23

I am adopted and had a wonderful life, great family and friends.  Adoption was the best thing that happened to me.  I think people that come on here are still searching for their path or identity and what truly needs to happen is you need to find yourself before anyone else.  I had wonderful parents who let me be me.  Just be there for your children.

Answer 24

Please don’t feel that way Adoption is not a horrible. It can be complex in some cases but not horrible. And some things in the adoption system need to be changed I agree but still its not horrible. Regardless of what you have read no one can determine how your adopted children will feel. I very much doubt they will hate you even more from what you have said everything you have done for them from keeping them together to trying to help their natural parents be in position to get them back.  

Alyssa is right people with the most pain and issues are the most vocal. Not so much the people that have had less issues or none at all. Not all adoptees feel a loss and I imagine the majority of those do not get online and blog and post in message boards. The only reason I remain here is to give a different view because I feel all sides should be represented the good, bad and in-between.

All you can do is love your child adopted or natural and do the best job you can and be there for them no mater what their issues are.