I hate my life, but especially myself...?

Question

My husband and I have only been married for the past nearly 8 months, and most of those have not been happy ones. When we were going through a tough time awhile back, I began catching up with an ex-boyfriend from several years ago. Ever since then, unfortunately, I've been falling more and more in love with him. I've regreted every day of my life for breaking up with my ex, and I know I should've never gotten married to another man; I married for the wrong reasons. I care very deeply for my husband, but I've fallen head over heels for my ex. He knows me better than i know myself, and I connect with him better than anyone else in my life. If soul mates were real, I know my ex would be mine. My husband is going off to the air force soon, and my ex is leaving for college today. I don't know what to do I love them both which consequentally makes me loathe myself completely how can I do this? I hate life right now. How can this happen? I know now my ex is who I should really be with, but I could never leave my husband. Every girlfriend he's ever had has cheated on him or left him for someone else and I don't want to do that...should I try my hardest to get over my ex, get a divorce, or just freakin kill myself? Cause seriously, i feel like **** right now...

Answer 1

The answer is simple and complicated all in one.  

Simply stated you need to leave your husband and go back with your ex.  If you don't you will grow to resent your husband and most likely divorce him in the near future.

The complicated part is breaking it to your husband.  Just let him know that although you care deeply for him you can't stay in the marriage any longer.  You could skip the part about another guy to spare his feelings.

In the end you need to do what is right for you and stop trying to please everyone else around you.

Now you may or may not regret leaving your husband but if you don't you will regret it for the rest of your life wondering what if.

Or you could do what Benny suggests.  That man deserves a thumbs up.

~*~

Answer 2

Those ex's are a real challenge for a marriage sometimes.  I wish I had brilliant advice to give (need some myself right now), but I can maybe only give you some things to think about.

Passion in marriages comes and goes.  It doesn't matter if it's your current husband or the ex, it will come and go.  So if the passion is the *only* thing, then I'd say you're suffering from a delusion about what a marriage is like.  A marriage is a partnership where two people agree to work/live/love together for mutual benefit.  If you're getting that benefit, then you're in a normal marriage now.

If it's not the passion... If instead, it's everything else, including conversation, mutual interests, shared goals, and so on, that you don't share with your husband now, but do share with the ex, then I'd have to say... you might need to work on this.  There are lots of ways to work on it.  ...therapy, couseling, etc., all come to mind.  But in any case, you should let your husband know that you're having these problems.  As you said, he's a good guy, and so he deserves to know.  And you deserve the opportunity to figure it out for yourself, so that you'll be happy over the long run.  Everyone deserves that.

Best of luck...  

Answer 3

I have been in your position. What I learned was after I left and went back to my ex I wasn't as happy or in love as I thought I was. So I am back with my wife who really loves me and cares about me. Tell your ex you need time to work on your marriage and you won't be contacting him for a while. If it is truly love then it will survive until you know for sure what is in your heart and you have given marriage a chance.

Don't feel too bad lots of us make this same mistake and feel trapped. You will be OK.

Answer 4

How can your ex know you better than you know yourself ? - no one knows you better than you do.

You are married, your ex is off to college where he will no doubt find himself a gf. Your husband is going into the Air Force & you really have to ask what you need to do ?

Simply, forget your ex, he's your ex for a reason. Support your man, you made vows to him to Love Honour & Obey. You can't make vows like that, then 8 months later, when things get sticky, go back on those vows.

The way you feel is of your own making, you are not a child anymore, you do what is right & proper. Your husband is probably really scared at this time, perhaps you should try thinking about him for a moment & not be so self absorbed.

Good Luck. X :-)

Answer 5

You can't live your life based on your husbands past.  It sounds like to me you need to talk to your husband and ask for a divorce.  He deserves to be with someone that is in love with him and only wants to be with him.  

Answer 6

well you gotta think about something very important here,,this other man,he's your ex for a reason isn't he? you were with him and you guys broke up, what was the reason? somewhere along the line that relationship didn't work,are you really willing to mess up something as important as your marriage for something that didn't work right the 1st time? look,,it sounds as though your marriage has had a bumpy ride for the past 8 months,, but they say that the hardest time in a marriage is the 1st yr. you have gotten thru that right? and what doesn't destroy a relationship only makes it stronger..my advice,,,stop talking to the ex. at least until you figure out if your marriage is worth saving or not..the way i see it,, these 2 situations are completely seperate issues and should be handled as such,, priorities! and your priority right now is to figure the marriage out first,,that is not only fair to this other guy,,,but also to your husband as well.... if after trying to work on this marriage you still are not happy and you leave it should not have anything to do with someone else,,it should be because the marriage is not going to work,understand? and how are you really going to know for sure if it can work if A. you've only been in it for 8 months, and B. most of those youhave brought a 3rd wheel in to it... honestly,,,,leave the ex alone til you figure the marriage out..good luck....

Answer 7

OK...think about this...when you stood infront of your family, his family and all of your friends to marry your husband, did you honestly think it was going to be easy? NOOOO!!! marriage is a never ending battle...but you vowed to love him in sickness and health, richer or poor, good times and bad times until death do you part. Now the way i see it is you are beeing selfish. First off marriage is not something you jump into lightly. Its a never-ending bond between two people. You shouldve thought it out before you said i do. Now its too late, and the possibilities of your Ex should be null and void. You have a good man that loves you, but until you love on him the same, of course you are gonna have bad times more than good times. You are emotionally cheating on your husband right now. Love on him the same way you think you love your ex. and watch the outcome... open up to him, talk to him, cuddle with him...You see, now-a days people get married just to have guilt free s*x, benefits, or whatever the reason is...but marriage is about love, sacrifice and commitment. if you make the decision to love him, then you both are gonna need to sacrifice somethings for the good of the marriage...and that will make you commit to that person, believe it or not...peep this, if a man places his wife high on a pedastal, and his wife bows and honors him as the man of the house,NO MATTER WHO MAKES THE MOST MONEY!!!!!, they will meet eye to eye everytime....dont believe me? give it a shot....and watch what happens... at this point in your life, your EX should NOT BE APART OF THIS EQUATION!!! leave it alone. the reason you feel like he is a "soul mate" is beacuse you opened the door to your soul and allowed the two to mingle...DO THAT WITH YOUR HUSBAND....but dont just open your soul, open your spirit, your mind, your heart...open every aspect of yourself to him, and allow the two to coexist,,,try this...first off, STOP TALKING TO YOUR EX!!!! if you both think you guys can be friends dats cool, but set a limit...certain conversations, certain places, h**l dont put yourself in a position with him that could cause you to break your vows to your husband...next explain to him that you could never be more than friends ever again...now your husband...out of the blue cook for him (if you can really cook) if not, go out and have a romantic dinner, open up to him like never before. show him all of your insecuritues, your strong places, your weak places, show him wat makes you cry, laugh, what excites you, what makes you love him more and more...give him something no other man has gotten from you...give him intimacy, passion, lust...give him ALL of you and i promise things are gonna get better for you...you will find yourself anxiously waiting for him to walk thru the door everyday...and that is where marriage should be...everyday you should have a NEW reason to love him...trust me, you can make it if you want to make it...(i should be gettin paid for dis s***....)

Answer 8

your marriage sounds like it is a pretense.  if you know that you want to be with the ex, but yet you don't want to hurt your husband, you need to get out.  usually, i would advocate some counseling, but it sounds like you already have mentally checked out of the marriage.  you should not stay with your husband out of pity or obligation.  that is not fair to him and he's going to take it worse if you wait years and years and then tell him.  your husband has had a lot of bad luck with love.  that's true.  that's not your fault though.  what your husband might have to ask himself is...what is it that he is doing that attracts unfaithful women?  he might need some counseling after this.  be prepared for your husband to be mad like h**l.  he has a right to be.  tell him before he goes off to the Air Force too.  basic training will give him something to focus on besides you.

Answer 9

The reason you are connecting to your ex is b/c you are feeling lonely and depressed due to the lack of connection with your husband. If your husband and you had a healthy r/ship you would probably have no problem ignoring your ex.

What you should do, is stop talking to your ex immediately and make the last moments you have with your husband extremely special.

The grass is always greener on the other side. That is why you think, now, that your ex is your soul mate. But I am willing to bet money that when you broke up with him, you didn't think he was that great. It is always harder to see what you have when you have it. Just remember that some decisions you make cannot be reversed.  

Answer 10

man feel sorry for u. :(

Answer 11

these are the reasons why divorce rates are so high nowdays, people getting married just to say "look at me i'm married" never actually hearing the wedding vows as they fall out of their mouths. dump the bf, stay with your husband, and don't cheat!

Answer 12

I hate my life to! Everyday I worry about money, money, and money!

Answer 13

Daniel Webster defines love as: 1. a profoundly tender, passionate affection for another person.  

I don't think you are capable of that.  

If you think your ex is going to go to college only thinking of you, then you're even more naive than your question shows.  Your ex is going to be wickin' every girl he can find.

Of the three options you lay out,  I'm going to have to say: None of the above.

1) You're too selfish to give up your ex.

2) You only use your ex to hurt your husband(subconsciously), so you're not about to release him to find happiness.

3) You're too selfish to deprive the world of your magnificence.

Perhaps I can offer option four...Grow up drama queen.

Answer 14

You are not a horrible person.

What you need to do is get a counselor to help you cope with your thoughts.

You know you got married too early, You guys do not even have your careers and education finalized. But, you can still make it work.

Guess what, you husband is living everyday with you and the bills and drudgery of everyday life happens. With your ex...you do not have these things..so he seems like an escape.

You cannot turn to other men when the going gets tough. Get the counseling and I recommend getting rid of the computer. I am sure it is easier to get with your ex on the computer so it needs to go

Answer 15

Girl what will that do if you kill yourself. You are still going to hurt the ones that you love. You need to be proud and honor yourself by doing things now that you will take your mine off of all this and say to yourself that when he comes back home that you and him are going to go to a marriage counselor. But mean while you can either go see a priest or a chaplain on base and get some guidance. Because this is very serious and not to take it lightly. You know that you are better than this to say so keep the faith and hang on. Just remember of all the people that love you and would miss you if anything would happen to you. You would be hurting them all for no reason. Good luck and I do wish you the best.

Answer 16

easy, stop talking to your ex.  Sorry, but you are married and you NEVER should have done any "catching up"  Honestly why would you even go there?  How would you feel if your husband wanted to catch up with an ex of his?  You need to get yourself together.