I have a 12 year old daughter that I can't control.

Question

She talks back and disrespects me and her stepfather. She hits her 7 years old brother and calls him names. She hasn't admitted it but I know that she steals things. She also lies to me about everything. I'm so worried that she is headed down the wrong road in life. She is only 12 and she is very in to boys...older boys. She was born a very sick baby and has been hospitalized 20 times in just 12 years, she was also molested by a 40 year old man when she was 7. b/c of these things I tend to let her slide on a few things. But I really want to put my foot down and say enough is enough. But the first that comes after is more than my nerves can handle. I don't even know how to handle it. So what type of punishment is right for a 12 year old girl. please help.

Answer 1

 When our daughter was 12.she was the same way,disrespectful,lying,sassing back,stealing,etc and we tried everything but nothing worked.Then the one sunday in may,some friends of ours who had a daughter who was 13 at the time,made her First Communion and we went to her party that after noon.The girl was in her poofy,top of the knees,communion dress and veil with lace anklets and the white shoes,and i noticed that when she would sit just right,i could see that she had cloth diapers and rubberpants on under her dress.I asked her mom about them,and she told me that she was wearing them as punishment for her acting up,etc and told me that she is made to wear the diapers and rubberpants as punishment and that they embarrass her and she straightens out.I told her about our daughter and her behavior and she told me to get cloth diapers and rubberpants and make her wear them.So i got the cloth diapers,diaper pins and several pair of rubberpants and when the daughter acted up a short time later,the husband and i took her to her room and made her put the diapers and rubberpants on and wear them for a day.She was surprised by having to wear them and we told her that if she is going to act like a toddler,then she will wear diapers and rubberpants!She she has had to wear them,her attitude has changed for the better and now she realizes we mean business!

Answer 2

i say follow her and see what she does outside of the house

Answer 3

lock her in her room, without the cell phone, tv and computer. sounds like she could use a shrink. Good luck to you.  

Answer 4

If she acts like a baby, then you have the right to punish her like a baby - spanking, washing her mouth out with soap, etc. However, because she's twelve, give her some forewarning so that it might not have to come to that; sit her down, and tell her, "if you hit your brother/steal things/etc one more time, then (fill in the blank) will happen." I've seen parents do these things in the past:

if she hits her brother, spank her.

she talks back, wash out her mouth.

if the boy thing gets out of control, take the door off her room.

if she shoplifts, don't let her go to the mall by herself anymore. If you really don't trust her and you feel it's time for drastic measures, don't let her stay home by herself, walk her to the school doors, etc. But make sure you talk to her first, and she might believe you enough to not do these things anymore. And if she does continue to act out, you absolutely have to follow throw on what you said you would do. Good luck!

Answer 5

i think you should just sit her down and talk to her, start giving her things she doesn't have that will give her responsibilty like a cell phone or an ipod. as she starts being trouble take these things away it will make her learn. i know the one thing that i can't stand is when my mom takes my phone away. also these problems could be caused from her being molested so maybe you should look into some counseling. good luck : ).

Answer 6

ehmn put her on chins child in need of services thats what my mom did to me when i started to behave badly well at first you should talk to her about her miss behaving threaten her by sayin yuhr gunna send her to fahster care tell shes so lucky she has everything you had when you were little and if she doesnt listen put her on chins if she takes is farther i mean chins gives you 3 chances and then your done nd done i mean JUVY and when she keeps makein mistakes she'll actually one day come to a day and think to her self im really actually ready to put this all behind but its what all young teens go through they feel they should just chil and have friends and stuff && parents are nuttin for 'em but then she'll grow and learnn

Answer 7

When she lies, ground her, take away all her luxury items, and do NOT be afraid to put your foot down about the boys, she is WAY too young. Also, if she likes to smack her brother, show her how it feels and smack her, not abusively, but just enough for her to get a clue. Also, calling names warrants a mouth full of soap, she is only 12. You need to be strict and lay down the law.

Answer 8

The reason why she is probably like this is because of her past. She tends to vent her angry feelings on her brother and she has bad behavior because she doesn't know how to control her feelings. I don't think any punishment should be really that necessary because she isn't a bad kid its just that she has a lot of problems that she doesn't know how to deal with. I would think about counseling or therapy. Those might help her.

Answer 9

Welcome to puberty.  By letting her slide on "a few things" you have enabled her behavior.  Now you want to punish her for something you've allowed her to "slide" on.  There is no consistency there.  You are causing more problems.  You need to set rules and boundaries and get away from the "punishment" frame of mind.  The thing is that these rules and boundaries are going to have to apply to ALL of the children in your home and not just her.  You need to establish privliges that your children have to EARN by behaving.  As an example in my home television, computer, video games are privliges that have to be earned and if a child doesn't behaving the child doesn't earn those privliges.  There is no television, no computer no video games for the day.  My kids do not have a televsion, game system or computer in their bedroom, those things are in parts of the home where I can monitor and supervise their activities on them, and when their time is up it's up.  I don't argue, I don't negotiate and I don't respond to tantrums or whines.  

Answer 10

Just give her a stern talking to

Answer 11

She is not too old to go over your knee.  Panties down.  Slap her bottom hard.  Spank several times until she is crying.  Then spank her harder several more times.

Be prepared to spank her again when the need arises.

You have not done her any favors by letting things slide.  It is time that you practiced proper discipline.

Answer 12

take all priveliges away until she respects you and her sister and stepfather

Answer 13

You should take all her electronics away for about two weeks. She could be grounded. So that means no friends  or any electronics.

Answer 14

Any punishment would make things worse.

Damage is done already and I would suppose trying to put the pieces back together would be the most promising way to be going on.

e.g. Kids "learn" to lie by the age of 5-7, they actually cant before that age. So if you have a kid lying very often, you cant reverse the process like the kid does not get younger, but older.

The best solution here would cost a lot of time and patience but eventually the habit of lying could be replaced by confidence and trust.

- Fear of punishment doesnt solve any problem, we have jails and still people are commiting crimes. -

Same applies to the other issues.

But as you are mentioning, you are already too close to the edge and too stressed, to have those long talks and time is too short for a natural development in a system of step by step achievments.

I would suggest getting professional help and guidance to accompany and support you.

Answer 15

My sister has a 12 year old girl, and has stoppped spanking her.  When she got out of control, my sister just put her over her knees pulled down her panties and smacked her bottom - just a couple of times as she is 12.  I thought she was wrong in smacking a 12 year old but it did actually work and she has never really come out of line again.  

I would try just 1 effective spanking.  REMEMBER - only do it once to show that you really have had enough and she needs to start behaving properly.

Hope this helps...x

Answer 16

well from her point of veiw[[i was molested when i was 5]]

i know how that can affect how she can see things.

we're you really strict when she was young? i.e.not letting her have enough freedom.

because that can cause someone to rebel when they're older.

do you yell at her alot?

i know that when my mom yells at me that all i want is for her to calm down and speak softer.

then i'd respect her more.

also sometimes she might need you to just listen to what she needs to say.

she sounds like she's bottling something up.

and maybe a shrink.

when i was in 6th grade,i started drinking,getting into older guys,fighting with my mom 24/7,and cutting myself.

i ran away a few times too.

my mom sent me to a shrink.

it took a few months but i got comfortable with the shrink and i opened up.

she needs to know that she can trust you.

Answer 17

Kids with histories like that act out. Try taking her to therapy. Maybe being able to talk with someone out the house will help.  

Answer 18

restriction of privileges, withdrawal of pocket money and grounding are all very effective at this age.

however, there are no punishments that will work at all if you are not prepared to fight it out with her, not just once, but again and again until she gets the message.  this will probably actually be harder for you than for her.

I understand your desire to go easy on her.  some of the things that have happened to her and to you have made you both feel like there are things that are beyond your control, and that's far more scary for her than for you.

she feels like you can't protect her from the bad things in the world, and if you don't stand up to her, she will take that as evidence of your weakness, when what she needs is to understand that as an adult you can take control of a situation and that nobody can bully you.  at the moment, you are basically being bullied by your own child, and she is learning from that that her own feelings of weakness and insecurity will be with her for the rest of her life because you yourself are weak and insecure.  she's far too young to deal with that idea.

whatever course of punishment you decide on, you must stick to it with all your heart.  she'll fuss about it, sure, and she'll probably hate you for it in the short term, but she will hate you just as much, for far, far longer, if you don't take a stand now while she is still SUPPOSED to be under your control.  if you leave it until an age where she should be more independent and taking care of herself more, it will be too late.

however, as well as punishing her bad behaviour, you should give her some insights into the more positive aspects of adulthood.  she is old enough now to go out shopping with you as you would with a girlfriend - you could even keep her off school for a day as a treat if you want - and spend some time bonding with you.  take her to the cinema or bowling or something, and encourage her to talk about the boys she likes, but be sure to point out to her some of the downsides to adolescent (and adult!) males - poor personal hygiene, lack of proper communication etc.

give her some alone time with you that doesn't involve her brother - as a sick child, she is probably used to getting more attention than is appropriate, and is probably feeling sorely jealous of him for still needing that attention where you're expecting her to be more grown up  also she's probably quite resentful of him having an easier childhood than she has had.  

she isn't old enough yet that she should be out of your house without you knowing where she is and with whom.  don't let her out until you have set a definite time for her to be back home, and make it very clear that if she doesn't come back on time, she won't be let out on her own in future.  if she has a mobile phone, she should understand that it must be switched on at all times when she is out, but reward her responsibility in doing this by not calling her when she is out with her friends - this will let her see that you respect her independence whenever she is responsible about it.  if she doesn't have a mobile phone, you could maybe get her one, but have her earn the money for credit for it by doing household chores?

this way, she will be able to contact her friends using it, and you will have a means of getting hold of her if she is later or you are worried.

you do have to accept however, that it is your previous behaviour which has led to her waywardness - you have let the discipline slide and now it is up to you to be firm and strong in reinstating it.  your nerves can handle it - it may be a big scene or a screaming match (though you should try to keep your temper and not engage in argument) from her, but while you're having that row, you're aware of where she is and what she's doing.  if you think it's getting too much for you and that your nerves can't stand it or whatever, just try to imagine how you're going to feel down the line if she's sixteen or so, on drugs, drunk, pregnant, or you just haven't seen her in months because she never learned that respect.  your nerves will be in a much worse state then than anything a twelve-year-old throws at you can possibly make them.

given that there are some deeper issues probably driving her behaviour, some counselling, either for the whole family or just for you and her might help you a lot - but remember that this is an issue between you and her, it's as much to do with you as with her, and she's not just a bad kid that needs to be fixed by professionals.  problems exist between people not within individuals, and can only be resolved by both people altering the way they react to one another.

P.S. Fox - I've seen a child less than two tell an outright lie to get her older sister into trouble; lying is innate in children, but knowing that it's wrong and that there are good reasons not to do it (i.e. you can't be trusted by others if you lie) are things that have to be taught.  a child big enough to talk can tell a lie - and know she's lying! - but any child that can talk can also learn not to lie.

Answer 19

I am 12 year old girl and that is unacceptable how it sounds....i don't really get in a lot of trouble but i do stuff my parents would not allow. 12 is a very difficult age. a lot of changes are happening and her Hormones are changing and may make her moody but that is no way to respect an adult. The thing i would die without is my cell phone and not being able to text, also another punishment is not being able to see her boyfriends. i have one that is acually younger then me and i find that it is better because he wont pressure me or anything because he isn't more experienced then me, Feel free to say no to her going out with these kids or she is gonna turn out 14 and Prego!! buy her a box of condoms would be a good idea!