I have a 3 yr old who (thanks to his uncle) likes to wrestle and hit alot. How can I stop him from hitting?

Question

He's in pre-school now and he's wrestling and hitting the other kids in his class (unexceptable). I've stopped my brother from playing this way with him but my son continues to hit and wrestle. This is my only child. HELP! What do I do?

Answer 1

Sorry, but it's not really "thanks to his uncle."  No one wrestled with my son and at 3 he became a hitting machine.  It comes happens around that age.  

Here's how I stopped this behavior.

1) Told him the rules.  "It's okay to be angry but not okay to hit.  Use your WORDS when you are upset."

2) Immediate removal from any situation.  Wrestling involves another participant so separate them.  Hitting means removal from the play area.

3) Reinforce positive behavior.

Also, ask the childcare provider what they do when he hits.  Children learn from repetition so try to be consistent with the teachers.

Expect changes over a few months and the hitting will probably stop within 6.  Regardless, he'll grow out of it.

Answer 2

I know this sounds stupid, but put him in Taekwondo.

My little brother used to the same thing. One day he went to a party and it was held at this Taekwondo place. He loved it so my mom enrolled him. Taekwondo is good because you get to fight, but they teach when it is a good time to fight, like when you are in danger or something. My brother stopped hitting because in Taekwondo they tell you that if you hit a ibling or family member they will take away your belt (that's kind of like getting suspened). Taekwondo really helped my brother with the habit, but of course I bet your son and my brother are really different. But give it a try.

Answer 3

First off, you need to check out the environment of this preschool class.  See if you can go observe (unobserved by your son).

You need to learn when this hitting/wrestling usually happens and ask yourself why.  

Is there a child that annoys him?  Is this school providing enough exercise during the day for him to burn off his energy? Is he ignored and seeking attention?  Is he bored and trying to entertain himself?  Does it happen more often when he's tired or hungry?  Do all the kids treat him like he's cool when he does this? Is there another child who likes to do this as well that he feeds off of (and vice versa)?  Is he allowed to things during the day that make him feel like he has some control over his life (ie pick what song they will sing next or what game will be played)?

There are many possibilities.  That's why its good to see for yourself so that you can address it in the most appropriate manner.

No matter what the reason, an attentive teacher can usually see this type of behavior "coming on" before a kid strikes the first blow.  It is important that preventative measures be taken.  

When a teacher notices your son is about to engage in fighting she can work to redirect him to a different behavior.  

With a 3yo, simply getting them to redirect their attention and energy to a different task will get the to forget about wanting to wrestle.  Many teachers will have a child do silly exercises with her or ask him to join her in a different activity when she notices the child about to engage in fighting play.

Definately suggest more exercise and time where he can burn off energy if you see that he's spending most of his day sitting or otherwise confined indoors.

If your son is feeding off another peer, you should suggest that seating arrangements be changed and the two be monitored and seperated if necessary.  

If he's bored, the school needs to see that he is engaged appropriately.

If attention is the issue, make sure that the staff is giving your child the attention he needs and helping him get appropriate attention from his peers throughout the day through openly praising him and giving him "important" jobs to do to help out in class.  

Regardless of what you ultimately come up with, it is the job of the preschool to see that they address this issue properly.  It is their job to provide discipline and an appropriate environment.  Your job is to support their good efforts - not to do their job for them.  

Too many schools abdicate their authority and expect parents to make kids mind at school, and then wonder why the kids don't respect them.  If they learn they don't have to mind until mom gets called, then that's just how its going to be.

Answer 4

When he does it, first tell him what he did wrong & why it's wrong.  Then, have him stand in a corner, facing the corner, not with his hands down.  After a few minutes, if he's still facing the corner with his hands down, ask him what he did wrong.  If he answers correctly, let him go, otherwise repeat to him what he did wrong & why it was wrong.  Then have him stay there for another minute before asking again.

When I was in High School, my parents ran a day care, and I saw how effective "time out" can be when done right.  They also complemented it with sticker-boards for the children to put stickers on whenever they did something good or helped out.

Answer 5

Create a place where he can go to sit in time out. It has to be a small, private sanctuary where he won't hit anything breakable if he causes a fit. Do not plea with him. Keep a strong, firm voice or he will think he has the power over you and he will be able to get away with it. Do not tolerate that. Whatever you do--- DO NOT be nice.

A way to get them to behave is to put hot pepper sauce on their tounge whenever they act up. This way you won't have to beat them, and it will teach them a lesson not to hit. Then whenever they think of hitting, they will think of the sauce that burned their tounge.

Answer 6

Since your son is early in brain development, what he is taught is what he will do. Thankfully your brother has stopped this behavior, but that will not stop your son from thinking the way he does. At the moment he thinks this behavior is ok. So how do you prove to him this is wrong?

Discipline! Remember the old saying, "Spare the rod, spoil the child." Now that doesn't mean you should hit him with a stick every time he hits someone, but deprive him of his privledges if he does things like this. Or spank him. It's not child abuse, it's discipline. Don't hit him so that it will leave marks, but maybe spank the back of his hand. It's not child abuse, I repeat, it is NOT child abuse. It will only hurt him for a little while, and he will learn not to act the way he does. Since he is young, this behavior will stay rooted into his head until it is wrenched out by your actions. Take action as soon as possible and the problem will be solved.

Answer 7

Spanking ANGERS children. Never spank them.

Anger=Confusion+Unfair

Allow NO "wrestling" or "hitting" entirely.

3 year olds are confused by gray areas, they need to see the CLEAR boundaries.

NO gray area will save the both of you frustration, misbehavior and time later.

Use Time-Out, but EXPLAIN to him the consequences that will now take effect and how Time-Out works. Make sure he understands.

Be consistent.

Enforce Time-Out EVERY HIT.

After he hits, gently grab his hand, review with him the Time-Out explanation, while walking him to a similar "Naughty Spot" each time...no matter where you are.

*Use the parked-car as time-out, if you are not at your usual area. But DO NOT involve (use) his car-seat in Time-Out. This is to not associate his car-seat with negativity. ;)

Answer 8

pretend to cry and say, 'you hurt mommy why are you so mean' after you pretend to be upset and not talk to them for a while they will try to see why your mad at them human reaction even kids will do this then explain to them why its not right and how the uncle is grounded etc.

Answer 9

Personally, I would spank him. He needs to know discipline and then you put him in time out. I would also talk to your brother about the problem. After all, he is the start to the problem and possibly also the solution. But, try disciplinary actions, it worked on me.

Answer 10

When changing behaviors in dogs, children and all, even us adults, we tend to change quickly if the consequence is not comfortable. This does not mean we have to spank,much to the contrary.  But the consequence, like the naughty spot on Nanny must occur each and every time the infraction occurs, kind of like you run a red light and Poof.ouch, maybe even dead.  I have a grand daughter that whines for everyone but me.  All I have to do is look at her sideways, she smiles and off goes the whine, why ?  Because I explain why I want her to do what I want her to do and then tell her there will be no exceptions and I follow thru each and every time we set up new rules,then your yes means yes and your no means no period.

Answer 11

Give him consequences. If he does something bad don't hit him back say "Name, if you do that again you will not be able to have something you really want." Then explain why it is wrong to hit or wrestle.

you should also know he probably got this from TV. you should monitor what he watches and let him watch something educational.

Answer 12

Give him consequenses. If he does something bad don't hit him back say "Name, if you do that again you will not be able to have dinner." Then explain why it is wrong to hit or wrestle.

Answer 13

Hit'em back! Not enough to bruise or hurt him though, just slap his hand.

Answer 14

Have his uncle talk to him about how even though they were playing, it's really not cool to hit, ESPECIALLY if the person you're hitting doesn't want to play the game.

Also, naughty corner, each and every time.  My three-year-old puts HIMSELF in the naughty corner now.  Be consistant.  It's not okay to hit when he's upset, when he's playing, it's not okay to hit adults or kids, ever.  

Wrestling in a non-violent way is okay for kids to do, but they need to understand the limits.  It helps them blow off energy.  I think it would be okay to let him wrestle around on the floor with his uncle (is dad in the picture?), but it is just to be for fun for them to do, and he has to STOP when playtime is over.  If you think your child could understand and eventually stay within the limits, you might want to consider this option.  Oh, and playtime wrestling does NOT include hitting.  If he hits, Game Over.

If there's a behavior problem, or something i'm trying to teach my kids to do, we have a rewards system.  For a few weeks in a row, my older son was getting in trouble for not listening in school.  The behavior chart in his class has apples, and green is good, yellow is first warning, blue is second, red is a trip to the office and a phone call to mom.  When he was on green, he got to have a small reward (usually picked what we had for dinner that night).  After a week of good reports without ANY bad ones, we took him for pizza and games at his favorite restaurant.  Work with his teacher, tell her you want to know when it does happen, so that when you hear no news, you can reward him.

Answer 15

Look at this as a perfect teachable moment.  In my opinion its ok for children to wrestle and pretend to play fight.  It's healthy for boys and girls if they want.  An adult always has to be around to supervise and teach the child limits.  He will learn to hold back his strength if you let him know.  If he is hitting in school let him know that school is not the time and place to wrestle.  Let him know where it is appropriate.  If your son can not hold back his strangth when he hits and you begin to have problems, then hold back untill he understands more.

Answer 16

Give him rewards when he's good. Like maybe if he doesn't hit anyone for a day give him a treat.And keep his uncle away from him.I'm not really sure. But best of luck.

Answer 17

Put him in the ring with a bigger kid. Problem solved..

Answer 18

I find preventing the child from obtaining the social attention all children crave is the key.  Timeouts work because no one is paying attention to the child for that duration.  Banishment to a room after a day at school where misbehaviour  occurred is also a powerful incentive.

I find spanking and other forceful interventions are just interpreted as "partially satisfactory", not "unwanted."  They are still a form of attention paid to the child.  It is the attention they crave, and dramatic behaviour in particular generates lots of attention. Whether the attention is positive or negative often seems very much of secondary consideration.

Certainly the juxtaposition between "I act forcefully" and "someone acts forcefully towards me" will serve to normalise "forceful" activity, probably not what you want to do.

Answer 19

Nah forget thoes other answers  next time he wants to hit somebody get up and SPANK THAT A SS! he wont want to hit anyone no more.. or give him a piledriver

Answer 20

tell ur kid that u have a santa number then u  said if u know he  wrestle u will call santa and tell santa to da not bring  present  for him when it chrismas until he be a good kid... and dont forget to warn his uncle to do not wrestle with ur son..... and if ur brother still dont want listen to u.....  u  said to him that u will never let ur son met him again or u have to stay away ur son from him......

Answer 21

I'll tell you what...do one good pile-driver on him, and he'll retire from wrestling!

Answer 22

SPANK HIM and warn him not to hit others again. Teach him the civilised way of solving conflicts. But make sure you don't overdo it until he is hit by others don't dare to hit back!

Answer 23

I think Brassinpocket nailed it perfectly.

I just wanted to add that you shouldn't use food as a punishment or reward, because this can lead to emotional overeating when he is older.

Answer 24

my brother did the same thing w/my nephew, what my sister did was make our brother tell him no, if he kept doing it we would take his favorite toy away and give it back until he started acting good, we also put him in time out and afterwards we would tell him why he was in time out and if he did it again he would be put in time out again but for a longer period of time

Answer 25

He has to receive negative consequences, every time he hits, negative enough that he won't want to do it again.  And it has to be every time, not just on-again, off-agin.  Pretending to be hurt probably won't help; he'll see through your pretense, think it's a game, and maybe enjoy it.

Answer 26

You should go to the Super Nanny Website (http://www.supernanny.co.uk/) to take a look at some of her suggestions. The basic premise to cure your son of this habit is to explain that hitting others is wrong and if he decides to go against this instruction, he will be punished (time out, privilege suspended etc). Being overly fierce towards him is not good because that would affect his confidence. But consistency is key here. If you say that you will punish him in a certain way for his misdemeanor, then you must follow through.