I have a 4 year old daughter, she has extreme tantrums, one of which caused me to have a serious car crash...?

Question

My daughter has terrible tantrums if I don't do something immediately for her, don't do it right, don't get her what she wants, if I try to get her out of bed in the mornings for preschool when she isn't ready to get out of bed, when i tell her it is bedtime in the evenings, and basically just any time of the day that she feels that she isn't getting what she wants. She screams, cries, tries to kick or hit me if I'm in range, throws things, kicks the doors, and sometimes pulls her own hair. This is making me miserable. I have tried spanking, I have tried time outs, I have tried taking away toys (especially after she throws them at me). As for my car crash, one of her temper tantrums was the cause. She was having a temper tantrum and kicking my seat as I was driving b/c I told her that I wasn't going to give her anymore snacks till after dinner and she wanted a chocolate cupcake. As I was trying to turn she told me she was getting out of her car seat and I looked in my mirror to see if she really was getting out of it and didn't see the other car coming at me full speed. Now my face is pretty tore up from hitting the windshield and the mirror (side impacts don't make the air bags go off in my s.u.v.). She is fine though, just got a couple of bruises and 2 minor cuts. She is going to be the death of me....I try to keep my anger in check b/c I should not discipline a child out of anger and I am afraid that if I was to spank her when I get to my boiling point I might actually hurt her and I don't want to do that. But I'm so sick of this! Nothing I do or say works. And it doesn't help that her grandparents think that she can do no wrong (for right now we are stuck living with them till I can get the money to move, shouldn't be too much longer thank goodness). She won't do anything for herself I have to dress her in the morning, do everything but bribe her to get her to brush her teeth, brush her hair, she doesn't bother cleaning up her toys, she doesn't even bother to get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, she just grins at me in the morning and says "you clean it up". I just wanna run away from her. She is my only child and I thought maybe down the line I would want more, but there is no way! And unfortunately since I do live with my parents (just a few more months, come whatever may), they are constantly accusing me of being to hard on her and that I'm the mean one and that they can get her to do whatever they need done and never have a moment of tantrum when it is just her and them. Also they say that she is just a little girl not an adult soldier and that I should stop marching around giving orders as if I'm commander in chief (actually they call me a dictator). But is it wrong of me to just expect that she helps get her own self dressed in the mornings, brush her teeth, and help me pick up what she throws down? My parents say that I have to make everything like a game, get down on her level, and stop saying no to all of what she asks me for (usually it is more treats, and she is 4 years old, 78 pounds, I really don't think she needs anymore "treats"...that is the same thing they did with me and I'm pretty obese at this point, they don't understand that I don't want her to suffer the same fate as me) They also don't really want me to spank her, which is a definite switch for them b/c they used to beat me if i just spilled my milk or something. Is it wrong of me to just want to say "well then, if you have so much success with her, here ya go, i'm out of here" and let my parents raise her and i leave by myself? I just don't know what to do, I'm at the end of my rope, I can't take her behavior anymore. I try to do all sorts of things with her, we play outside (until she has a tantrum that I'm not doing something right), I take her swimming, to the movies, I try reading to her at night (she can't stand when I do that though). Anything that I do for her if it isn't good enough or exactly what she wants (even if it is just a little suprise), she is ungrateful for and yells at me. I'm just at wits end...I just want to run away from her, or get out a whipping willow switch or something...can't someone help me?

Answer 1

Wow, you really needed to vent don't you? IMHO, I think you should reward her verbally when she does something good or when she listens to you. Some kids are just really stuborn and punishment will only want them to rebel even more just for the sake of going against you. Talk to her and always listen to what she has to say instead of wanting to be 'right' all the time.

Answer 2

1) You're a good mom. But you need a vacation.

2) Stop giving her sugar. No more sweets, or make them a very rare treat. She does not need any, and sugar exacerbates behavioral problems.

3) Move out ASAP. Make it your priority. Surely there must be some kind of assistance you can get w/ organizations that help single parents. Where's her dad? Is he giving you any kind of child support? Get it, if he isn't.

4) Don't think about leaving her with your parents. I know it's tempting, especially when you're at the end of your rope. But they're obviously not doing that great a job.

5) Try to curb your dictator side. It's probably unintentional, but I'm sure you do sound like a dictator. What's probably happened though is that she never listens, so you get used to ordering her around all the time. But it's ineffective. You don't have to yell. Maybe get a parenting book on effective discipline techniques or take a parenting class to help you out.  

Answer 3

my 4 year old also wanted me to do everything for her, brush her teeth, get her dressed, pick up after her.  It just got to the point where I would look at her and tell her NO, you do it, just like she would say it to me, and I'd walk away. It took a few times of that, but she eventually figured out that I was not going to do it for her anymore.

If she screamed and cried and had a fit, I would put her in her room and let her scream and cry. She may throw toys while she is in there, but when I did not come back in to talk to her, she would calm down.

It wasn't until after she calmed down that I would then go in and talk to her.

If he acts up in the car, pull over and deal with her.

If you are at home when she does this and starts getting violent, hold her in your lap, facing out and hold her legs and arms, watch that she doesn't head butt you, until she calms down.

If you stand up and start taking control, she will listen.

As for bed wetting, make her take the sheets off and clean the mattress and such. Don't let her get out of it. After having to do it, she probably won't do it again.

Sit down with the grandparents and lay down the law. yes you live with them, but YOU are mom, they need to stand behind you in discipline.

If they cannot, then when you move out they won't get to spend time with her. It seems harsh but if they don't support you, then her behavior will not get better.

Talk to her doctor about getting her into some therapy. All the agressions and outbursts could be helped by someone from outside the circle that doesn't know you or anyone else involved.

Good luck.

Answer 4

I think your daughter is picking up on the tensions between you are your parents. You are the mom and what you say goes your parents have to respect this, maybe its time to talk to a health visitor or child psychologist as I think both you and your daughter would benefit from this, As for the snacks and sweets you have to lead by example and try to encourage her to eat healthy foods as maybe the sugar is making her more hyperactive Hope this helps

Answer 5

Wow...she needs some structure and positive attention.  I would do time out and don't give in.  If she doesn't want to help pick up, take her by the hand and make her, if she throws a fit make her go to her room and she can come out when she is done.  Then start with picking up the toys again, throw a fit, to her room.  You have to stand your ground.  I don't know what I would do if my 3 year old son treated me like that, it would break my heart.  Also, stop giving her c**p to eat....78lbs is heavy for a 4 year old and start doing fun activities with her outside for some exercise.

Answer 6

STOP GIVING IN TO HER! Let her scream and cry for hours if that is what it takes. Every time she screams and you give her what she wants, she wins the battle! And she thinks "Oh, if I scream mommy will give me that cookie/toy/etc" Stop giving into her or she will own you by the time she's ten. Your daughter is a ******* brat and it's nobody's fault but your own. Enforce some rules and some boundaries and stick to it. You are the boss, not her, time for you to grow a pair and put your foot down.

Answer 7

i will tell you like this:  do not listen to what other people have to say.  you are mom and she must listen to what mom says.  give her those extended time outs.  make a corner and place a chair there.  when she does act up, let her know its wrong  and that it wont be tolerated.  no toys, or fun time until she learns to listen to you.  i tell you this because then when its time to move out on your own, its gonna be almost impossible if you don't start now.  i know it is not easy.  one thing i used to do is stand my son in a corner, wherever he would act up, even a grocery store, make him face the wall and stand right behind him with my back to him until he was finished.  they do eventually realize that what they're trying to do with us parents, is not gonna work.  i have not hit my boys a day in their life and one is 8 and the other 11.  so far, it has worked for me.  if you jump to everything she wants, she's never gonna learn the meaning of no.  so take it into your own hands to discipline her right.  as for the grandparents, its normal for them to see that she never does any wrong but things have changed and u know her best...no tantrums allowed here.  good luck and i hope she softens up with you a bit... i sympathize with you. but take it easy.

Answer 8

i understand your tension, please sit down with your parents and tell them that you love them but your are trying to raise a responsibe child and that you will try to acommidate some of there "suggestions" but in the end it will be on your sholders ifs she is a whinie 16yr with no morals than sit your four year old down and explain to her that you love her but everything is about to change, for one no more tantrums!! and that she is aloud only x number of snacks a day and if she wants a snack after that it must grow from a tree of some sort explain to her that every tantrum will be punished if your out and about and she throws a tantrum tell her that x number of mins. in the corner when she gets home and dont forget to enforce the promise soon it should turn to little wimpers and then to silence it wont fix all of your problems but it might just help enough of them to not make you not want to run away

Answer 9

trust me...if you ignore her for a couple days...it will be hard but when she throws fits ignore her and she will realize u arent going to give in anymore and she will quit....tell her to say please and thank you...and if she throws a fit and stuff IGNORE HER!

Answer 10

WOW.  You need to start setting limits and following through on them.  If she wets the bed and demands you clean it up, s***w that.  Make her take her sheets off the bed, put them in the laundry and put new ones on.  You do not leave the house or eat breakfast until this is done.  Nor do you leave the house until she is dressed (by herself - start small, and help her in the beginning) and ready to go.  I'm not a proponent of spanking at all, and since this is primarily your doing, I would not advocate spanking in this case either.  She has been allowed to do what she wants until now, you can't spank her for that.  

You need to see a child psychologist and get help with this issue.  It is already out of hand and she's only 4.  You need to take a parenting course.  I'm not being rude, I am completely serious.  You need help in rectifying this situation.

Answer 11

Stop spoiling her. You need to set the rules. You are her parent. Grow up.

Answer 12

Given your long post, it would be so simple to say just ignore her until she stops crying and realizes she can't get what she wants by screaming, kicking or humiliating you in public.

But if your child is really as extreme as you say she is, maybe there is some underlying factor causing it. see the link. You may need to see a psychologist.

But if you can be more patient with her, try changing the environment for her and seriously, she is four, you're the MOM, the adult, you can handle this. They may call you the dictator, but you know what's best for her. Your parents should give you some room to practice your parenting skills.

It would be so easy to judge you, but I have seen a lot of difficult children and I am just astounded how they came to be like that.

Answer 13

First off you have got to get out of your parents house. As long as your daughter see's them taking up for her she's going to continue the bad behavior. I know you have to save to get out so it will take time. 2nd tell your parents that she is your child and you will do as you please with her. And if that means no treats then you mean what you say. You might have to hurt their feelings. Tell them to shut it up and mean it. As for you child please please don't walk away from her. I didn't hear you mention anything about her father is he in her life at all? Don't give up on her. Beat her A**! Keep beating her butt. She will get the message. Say what you mean and mean what you say.

Also your daughter didn't just get like this your created this little monster. Now you have to stick it out. Don't go crazy over this. My 23 month old tries to have tantrums in the car. If she won't calm down after awhile I blast the music and start singing. I let her know my voice is louder than hers and she isn't bothering me. Once she sees me ignoring her she usually calms herself down enough that I can talk to her. Good Luck with your Omen.

Answer 14

usually kids throw tantrums because they know it works. If she knew for certain that throwing the tantrum wouldn't get her anything she wouldn't bother with them so much. My neice throws horrible tantrums but when I'm around she is a lot better. I give her the option. I say you can either stay here and play and be nice or you can go to your room and throw a fit and if she contines to throw the fit I carry her to her room and lock her in untill she decides to calm down and apoligize. I have noticed this is really working and even though her mom lets her have everything she wants she knows it doesn't work with me. My son is only 3 and very rarely throws fits but I have done this twice with him and now when I give him the option of going to his room or listening to me he listens..

Answer 15

Stop giving into her. When she yells at you for a treat or has a horrible tantrum, put her in an area where she cannot hurt herself and leave her there until the tantrum is done. If she does this while you're driving, pull over when it's safe and beat her butt!  

Answer 16

it is hard to wrap your mind around (lord do I know this), but I really think that you need her to get evaluated by a psychologist. the way she is acting is not normal for a child her age, and it has already proved dangerous ( your car accident).

I think it is more than her being spoiled by grandparents. My son used to have the worst Knock-down, kicking, screaming hitting fits starting when he was 2. when he was 5 he had one because he did not want to tie his own shoes. When he was 11 he attacked a teacher at school. We were kind of forced to take him to mental health (he made suicidal comments after the attack). Between mental health and the school psychologist we discovered that he has delays on the autism spectrum. Some of the things you have mentioned remind me so much of my son. My son is very literal. He has some sensory issues ( food used to be a BIG issue. He never ate a cheeseburger til he was 5), and he talks like a little grown-up. We always thought he was just a little quirky, but his quirks were symptoms of his delays. On top of it all he is hyperactive...when he is not medicated he is like a rude Tasmanian devil. He does not listen, and he does things like purposely point his rear end  (on all 4's on the couch) at his sister and f**t. When he was little I used to make him run laps around the outside of the house to burn off energy. He was a late walker and talker too.

Answer 17

Ok, your kid is a brat.  Just stop giving into her desires, ignore her.  Just do what she needs from you (feeding, bathing, and that type of thing) don't try to please her.  She will realize that you are the boss and that she needs your affection and will find better ways to get it.  Good luck!