I have a 5 year old step daughter, who has lived at her grandparents house with her mother...?

Question

She lived there for the first 4 years of her life. she has been spoiled rotten by her grandparents while living there. now that her mother and i have gotton married, she lives with me now. I guess i am the only one that see's her behavior, because her grandparents tell her she is perfect and does nothing wrong. well, she is not perfect, and does do wrong. don't get me wrong, she is a good kid, but has had NO discepline. for example, dinner time. she will eat a few bites, and then say she is done, and expect dessert. Mommom and poppop say ok! and give her dessert. another thing, this girl does not listen. you can tell her no, stop doing that, etc, and 5 minutes later, she will do it again. I seem to be the only one who has ever disciplined here for doing anything. My wife and her family say that i am bullying the child, but i feel i am making up for NO ONE else doing anything to correct the problem. i am ready to give up and let here do whatever the h**l she wants. i keep trying to explain that by not displining, it will cause a problem... but all i hear is "she's only 5" "she is just a kid" etc. ok, so when is she supposed to learn how to act? theses early years of her life are the most important learning years of her life. how does the saying go... you can't teach an old dog new tricks? wtf.. now i have another baby on the way, and i don't want this baby to grow up like the 5 year old did. share those opinions, people!

Answer 1

As a step parent your job is to support her mother and whatever discipline she sees fit for her daughter.  If you disagree with it talk with your wife.  The good news is the new baby is yours and you will have an active role in parenting and discipline. Good luck and congrats!

Answer 2

Being the father of the new baby will give you more disciplining rights but you really have to watch not to overstep the bounds with a step-child.  Also grandparents spoil them that is what they do.  Now she needs to learn that she can be spoiled like that at grandma/grandpa's house but at your home you and her mom have the say of the rules but remember she will be looking at you as just an outsider if she isn't close to you emotionally.  Sounds like you and your wife need to be attending some parenting classes together and hopefully work together as a team before the new baby comes along.  

Answer 3

I too am a step-parent and know it is a struggle to discipline a step-child and to know where to draw the line, especially when everyone is telling you that you are bullying her.  The most important thing is to get on the same page with your wife as to what discipline rights she feels comfortable with.  I am lucky that my husband is comfortable with my discipline, but if he weren't, I definitely would be more careful as you don't want this to come in between you and your wife.  I think you're right that she needs to learn how to act - she is definitely old enough!!  When it comes to your new child, you will be able to discipline them from day 1 and prevent them from becoming like your step-daughter in the first place.  I think you need to keep trying to get your wife to see what her daughter is doing wrong.  Without her support, you will continue to be the bad guy.

Answer 4

You can gently explain to your wife that by teaching her daughter not to take responsibility for her actions, she is teaching her the same way that she was raised.  This means that she may make the same mistakes in relationships as your wife previously made.  By teaching her discipline she is going to focus on the things that are "right."

Answer 5

It is not your place to discipline that child.  If the "problems" you mentioned are the most serious things you have to complain about, I would say that your wife and mommom and poppop are exactly right........you are bullying that poor child. Grow up and leave her alone. Let her mother discipline her because she is the parent......NOT YOU!

Answer 6

i am reading this and thinking that you have been spying on my life!!! i just laughed and read this to my husband, because it sounds EXACTLY like our story!!!! Very weird! but trust me, i know hwat you are going through! i got divorced when my daughter was 8 months old. we moved back home to live with my mom. of course, like you said, my mother spoiled my daughter ROTTEN. i mean, ROTTEN. not to mention, my mother's parents live just three houses away from her and they are my daughter's great grandparents...so she got REALLLLY spoiled!!! anywho, when Avery was turning three, i met my now husband Eric. he accepted Avery and she knows him as daddy as well, just like you guys. she does however have a relationship (if you'd call it that) with her dad. but she calls him "uncle Jason" when it's just me and her, cause she thinks of Eric as "daddy". Eric thinks i am too soft on her and that i let her get away with everything...and i do sometimes. i don't punish her for everything she does...and she continues to do what she has been told not to do. i also have a bad problem of getting into eric's idea of disapline with her. whenever i hear him repremanding her for something, i make a point to say something. if he is telling her "you're grounded, you can't watch TV.." or whatever, i kinda step over him and say  "oh no...it was an accident...next time pay attention." when i SHOULD just let him deal with it. i am trying to step off some and let him have the reigns, but it's very hard to do. i don't know the solution, but i feel your pain! you should talk to my husband about it! from the mother's point of veiw on it though, i can tell you this. Avery is 6 now, and Eric and i have been married for almost 4 years. it is STILL hard for me to "let go" with her though. i took care of her on my own for so long, and she is used to things a certain way. i don't want her to be 18 and tell me "i hate you cause you let my STEP FATHER run my life". i don't know, i had a step dad and i just don't want her to feel towards me the way i did towards my step father...so i guess i try not to make the same mistakes my mother made. good luck though, cause it's a tuff job to be a step parent! my grandparents HATE Eric, cause he makes Avery listen and behave...while they would just have her eatting cotton candy for breakfast and doing whatever she wanted too. my mom died in 2006, but she HATED eric too and said that he was to hard on her and expected to much of her. it doesn't help that he is a Marine, cause they say that he treats her like a "recruit". Eric says though, that he would rather Avery hate him now, but make the right descisions later on in life. he also says they don't give her enough credit, cause she is smarter than they think she is. he always says, "how is it that she is only 6 and is soooo pitiful and all, and suuuuuuch a baby, but she can manage to do exactly like she is supposed to when he is around?" because she knows what's up with him and that he is not going to tolerate misbehavior. it's because they let her get away with it and she plays them!

Answer 7

Tell your wife it is best that you leave because you cannot stay and watch them destroy the little girls life by waiting for her to turn 21 BEFORE trying to discipline her.It is too late then.

Tell her  when she was old enough to understand the words "yes and no" was the time to start disciplining her.

Tell her,if they do not start NOW her "funny cute "behavior will NOT be funny in 8-10 more years.

Tell her if she doesn't trust you enough to be father then she should NOT have EVER consented to marrying you, and that part of being a father is disciplining the children.You are working and putting a roof over the child's head, food in her belly and clothes on her back.You also have the DUTY to discipline her when she needs it.However if you and your wife cannot get on the same page about this, then it is best to leave because YOU will end up being that kid's door matt.

Answer 8

You are absolutely right. These early years are the most important years in a child's life, and this is when they learn the rules and what is acceptable. You should be firm with her and make your expectations known. Of course you should be gentle and kind, because she's still little, but you must lay the ground rules now while she's still young.