I have a 9 year old daughter misbehaving and making fun of people at school.?

Question

My daughter has never been in trouble before. She attends a rather small private school with only 5 girls in her class. They have all gotten along great and in the past week my daughter has been to the principals office twice for bullying and making fun of these girls. I have no idea where this behavior is coming from. Nothing has changed at home. She lives with both of her parents and nobody fights or drinks or any of the drama stuff. She has been punished but i am really worried about her. Is this behavior normal or is something going on that i dont know about.

Answer 1

Welcome to puberty.  Sounds like she's on the verge of becoming a young woman and sometimes it's hard.  I teach and I see this often: very good girls behaving very badly.  You did right to give a consequence, now make sure you set up an expectation.  Tell her, the behavior you expect her to have and listen to what she has to say about why she's done what she's done and then make sure she's safe, secure and understands what you expect from her.  Research shows that parental expectation and reasonable consequences for misbehavior are generally enough to get a wayward child back on track -- barring other major issues like abuse and drugs (and you don't indicate that that's a problem).  So stay on her, stay in touch with the teachers, and again set up an expectation and don't let her wiggle her way out of it (and she will try).  This is the test and the time to see if all you've taught and said are true, and she will test you.  Love her above all and make sure she knows your expectations are a result of that love.  Good luck and hang on -- I have a son, the ride is bumpy but with love and laughter, you'll make it through.

Answer 2

3rd and 4th grade is when the whole clique thing and triangulation starts.  (You know, Sue and Debbie play and exclude Barb, tomorrow Barb and Debbie are best friends and exclude Sue).  

This is not uncommon, but it's never easy to hear that your daughter is the "mean girl".  You need to nip this NOW.  Since you have a very small school, you may not have the social worker resources that larger schools have - consider a program like Girl Scouts that emphasizes treating others well.  Our schooll uses "Pillars of Character" to talk about honest, responsiblity and treating others well.

Try talking to her to see if she's witnessed this behavior from other girls (or been a victim of it), and listen closely when she's with friends to see if you can point it out to her when it happens.

Answer 3

Something is going on. This behavior has to be nipped in the bud. I'm not a professional, but I do not think this is normal behavior. When my son was in daycare, he started bullying the other kids. When I picked him up each day, I got a report from his teacher. If he had fought with any other kids, all his privelidges for that evening were gone (bicycle, TV, video games, etc.). It took a couple of weeks, but he straightened up. Also, I spent a lot of time talking to him. How did he feel when kids made fun of him, teased him, etc. I am happy to say he is now 21 yrs. old and a wonderful, sensitive, loving young man that I am proud to call my son. Don't let this go. It can be resolved, but it's up to you. God bless you and good luck.

Answer 4

They say people who bully are afraid to be bullied themselves. Maybe she bullied someone before they could've got the chance to bully her.

Answer 5

Something must be going on.Sit her down and ask her and if she does not answer,threaten to take something away (favorite dolly) I know this sounds harsh but if this does'nt get taken care of,it can get worse.

Answer 6

Some of it is probably "growing pains" and a "normal" part of growing up. All kids push limits and experiment. But that does not mean it is acceptable behavior.

A couple of things you might want to consider:

1. Ask her if any of the girls have done something similar to her. That does not make her response to them o.k. But then you can talk about the correct way to handle these things.

2. Make her apologize to the girls for her behavior. I would make her call them on the phone and you should stand there while your daughter apologizes specifically. For example, "I'm sorry, Sally, for calling you a bad name." or whatever she did. If possible I would make her do it on a phone you can put on speaker, so you can hear the other girl's reaction. It might give you some insight into what's going on between the two of them. (NOTE: She does not have to be truly sorry for her behavior to go through this exercise.  A lot of times, feelings follow actions. The exercise of apologizing will move her toward true remorse.)

3. Make it VERY CLEAR that this is not acceptible behavior in your family, give her firm consequences, and STICK to them.

It's important she gets past this. Being in such a small school, she will be ostrasized quicky and permanently if she doesn't straighten up.

If the problems are continuous, you might want to consider counseling. Something deeper might be going on and acting out may be the only way she knows how to deal with it.

Good luck and God bless!