I have a challenge and a question.?

Question

My daughter is about to be 7 and has developed some health issues that can be genetic. Her birth mother is also adopted, but hers (birthmother's) adoption was completely closed. Our adoption is semi-open, and at this point according to the agency, we are allowed one letter per year. (All case workers that we worked with and our daughter's birth mom worked with are gone, and I don't really like the new ones.)

Here's the deal. Our attorney's office sent over some paperwork with our daughter's birthname when our daughter was less than a year old. I have had this, know how to get in touch with my daughter's birth family, and have for years. Last night, I was contemplating this and typed in the name of our daughter's birthmother on google and I have an email addy and she's listed in the phone book.

I have heard nothing from her (she was supposed to write and keep contact too) since my daughter was six months old and the adoption was finalized. I don't know what to do. Ideas?

Answer 1

As a birthmother, I would recommend you do contact her, if nothing else, to exchange the information you have, and any she might have.  If she wants nothing more, leave it at that.  I don't remember the exact 'rules' of our open adoption, so perhaps your daughter's birthmother has forgotten as well.  Your daughter does not have to be involved at this point, so don't even 'go there' to consider a relationship between the two, UNTIL the birthmother states her wish to develop one.  If she does voice that wish, it's then your job as your daughter's mother to decide if that's what's best- for your daughter.  I'd try email first, then after a few weeks if she does not reply, try calling.

Hope that helps~

Answer 2

I am sorry for your child's illness.

Contact her discreetly.....but do contact her!!! Apologize for the intrusions and then explain the situation. Do you know for sure that the agency sent your letters to her? She may have stopped writing because she thought you did! This is her child regardless of who is raising it......I am sure she will help her child anyway she can. I would also ask her if she would like to rekindle contact.

This can be a very positive experience for all of you. There is no law that says you have to ask any agency for permission to contact the first mom after the adoption is final.

Answer 3

Oh, this is a touchy one.  I admire you for wanting to inform the BM about genetic issues that may arise in her future birth children.  As she hasn't had contact with you during the past several years it is difficult to gage her receptiveness to the information.  Is there a protocol for exchanging the once a year letters that were agreed to during the adoption?  If there are that is how I would proceed.

If not, I would suggest one of two tactics.  First contact the director of your adoption agency and request that they contact the BM and inform her.  You may wish to compose a short letter about your daughter's condition and that you thought it best to share the information "mother-to-mother".  Second, your lawyer or legal secretary can act as an intermediary and pass along the information.

Best of luck to you and your daughter.  Again, I admire your strength.

Answer 4

Are you positive it is the birth mother? There are more than one person with the same name. I just went on a site that tells you how many people in the states there are with your name. Some have thousands, depending on the name.

I would approach it from the medical standpoint. You need info for your ill daughter. Try sending another e mail or a snail male letter. Maybe she mass deletes her e mails and didn't get the first one.

Answer 5

Don't let some agency dictate against, what your heart tells you. You adoption is complete, right? Who needs them?

Like everyone keeps saying, you're 2 adults, you can "Contact" anyone you wish!!!

Answer 6

i would say contact her directly.  tell her that it doesn't mean you are going to force the open-thing, but that you first and foremost need to know her medical history due to condition xyz.

i would absolutely contact her.

Answer 7

I would contact her via email but would use an anonymous email address.  Why?  It may feel less overwhelming to her, and you do not know what has transpired in her life since she placed her baby for adoption, nor does she know you.  (Worst case scenario for you: She does not want contact; drugs, prison, abusive boyfriend, etc.)  

But I would contact her about possibly sharing medical information, out of concern for your daughter.  

If she then initiates a relationship, and you explore that, and it develops into trust, then you might both think about regular contact that each of you is comfortable with.

My experience is that most birth mothers who stop contact do so because either it is emotionally painful and/or they have moved forward with their lives.  But the communication with agencies can sometimes change due to change of staff, like in your case.  I have reunited many birth and adoptive families who both wanted continued contact, but the agency staff lost contact with one or the other, or records got misplaced, or new workers did not keep up the contact.

So, your child's birthmother may be, for example, wondering why you did not stay in touch.  Certainly worth a safe and respectful inquiry.  Good luck!

Answer 8

I say s***w the agency.  If you need some info for your child's health that comes before some authoritarian adoption agency's agenda.  You have no obligation to follow their rules.