I have a parenting issue-urgent!?

Question

In the other room is my 10 yr. old son. Straight A student, kind, very loving, but has a HUGE lying problem about the stupidest things. Just 5 minutes ago it was about the changing the cat litter, nothing important. Just the principle that he lied about doing it correctly over and OVER with tears and all. Insisting that it was the god's honest truth. I told him that I knew that he did it incorrectly and simply asked him to admit it. He vehemently denied any wrong doing. I said your are in big trouble for lying now and I do know the truth, any further lies will result in TONS more trouble. With tears he continued to support his original story .(That was very describtive, simple and EXTREMLEY beliveable).

Finally, I sat on the couch with him infront of me and told him I was going to spank him. He told the truth and said he did not want to get in trouble for not doing it the right way. I swatted him and now I am soooooooo angry, I'm cooling off but I just am so mad.

Answer 1

I think it's possible that you are setting him up.  You knew he didn't do the kitty litter correctly, and instead of just calling him in to do it properly, you insisted on asking him.  You were waiting for him to lie, or setting him up so to speak.  You already knew he cut corners.  So instead of turning it into a lying battle, just stop asking the questions.  Next time you ask him to do a chore and you notice that it's not done the way it's supposed to be, don't ask him if he did it properly, since you already know this is one of the situations that could turn into the lying issues, instead simply request that he do it over correctly.

Also, you might want to consider getting him some counseling....if he can't seem to help himself about the lying, even about really silly things, then perhaps you need outside help.

I have a 9 year old, almost 10 year old son, and I will catch him lying about brushing his teeth, or washing his hands.  A lot of times I simply make him go to it again if I doubt that he's telling me the truth.  He has learned to just do it the first time to avoid having to do it twice! LOL

Answer 2

Don't get me wrong....BUT perhaps he is lying because he knows how "crazy" you get when he makes a mistake or do something that will make you mad....you seem like you over-react with little tinny things....so may be he is just afraid and he rather lie than tell the truth just to not see you over-reacting....and obviously he doesn't want to get in trouble either.  If you explain to your son that everything we do has it's consequence, it's like when he has good grades....you get excited and he feels proud of himself, etc....but when he doesn't listen to you or  he decides that he doesn't want to do something that was told to do....then he needs to accept the consequences about his actions. Try to change the way you handle things....and I don't mean about the punishment, I mean...instead of screaming your lungs out and going nuts with the thought that he is lying....try to calm down and tell him that we all make mistakes but you want him to acknowledge what he did.

Answer 3

to me honestly spanking and grounding and writing sentences doesnt help it just makes them even more mad at you so he will keep lieing to you it wont make it better i will sugest that you tell him a story about a how one little whit lie can get them in so much trouble

Answer 4

kids lie unfortunately it's a behavior that is mimicked ( not saying you lie) but someone else around him is lying and he knows it and see's that person get away with it. I would talk to him before he lie's again let him know the next time he will be grounded and he will lose some of his favorite things. I used to get spanked at his age for lying and if you are okay with that then you can do that. I know you said you have tried it all but you have to talk to him about it before he does it again so he has time to let it sink in. ask him how he would feel if you promised to do something but didn't do it that would hurt his feelings right? tell him he hurts you when he lies. and everytime you catch him in a lie take something from his room and don't give it back for a week.

Answer 5

He's desperate for your approval and willing to lie constantly in an attempt to get it.  It's obviously worth the risk of getting caught in the lie to him.  You might be unintentionally giving him the idea that he's not good enough for you.  If you do a lot of nitpicking about his chores and his schoolwork, or if you're punishing him a lot over small things, he's probably scared to death of disappointing you.

Try easing off of him a little.  Pick your battles and try not to get so angry over little things.  Remember that he's only 10.  He doesn't do things with the same level of attention as an adult.  He might stop lying to you if you're a little less confrontational.

My parents were really demanding of me as a kid and I lied all the time to stay out of trouble.  I was a normal kid and did normal kid things and made normal kid mistakes, but I felt like I had to be perfect for my parents.  So I lied to cover for my shortcomings.  Then, when I hit puberty, the fear and frustration turned into anger and I lashed out.  I ended up getting into trouble at school and wreaking havoc at home.  

Be careful how you handle this.

Answer 6

i think part of the problem is his age but that doesnt excuse lying. i found with my own son, without even realizing it, i set my son up to lie. i'd say andrew did you do that? he'd say no mom i didnt. well i knew darn well he did it. instead of saying did you or why didnt you, know already what he did was wrong and say, you did this and now you must be punished. make sure in all cases that you know for fact he did something wrong and deal with it like that. maybe you can ask him some time, when your having a good mother son moment, ask him if he is afraid of you. ask him if youve ever given him a reason to fear you. have you ever lied to him. see what he says. dont allow him to give you "i dont know" answers. keep the conversation calm. tell him how bad it makes you feel when he lies to you. but again never put him in a situation where lying is the first thing he thinks of to do.

Answer 7

i would spank him when he does lie and tell him the story of the bot who cried wolf and make a chart or something that whenever he doesnt lie for a week then take him out for ice cream or a reward

Answer 8

Tell him the story about the boy who cried wolf, like before bed or something? Perhaps that might help?

Answer 9

I'd just like to ask, has he had any reason to lie in the past few years on a regular basis?

When I was a small child I had to constantly lie to my family about the preferential treatment I got from my aunt. I never wanted to hurt anyone's feelings. I felt like if i told them the truth about my aunt not really liking the rest of my sibs i would have to tell the truth about everything, including some stuff having to deal with my grandfather. So instead of telling the truth I started to lie about everything no matter how small or irrelevant it was. I still lie about tons of stuff to this very day and its been 17 years.

just try and get to the source of all of this he may lie to you but show him he can trust you and eventually you might get the truth and reason behind it.

Answer 10

it seems like you might need to go a counsellor or something.  But at the same time he is 10, and he didn't want to get in trouble.  I remember being younger, even though in the back of your mind you wanted to admit to being wrong and lying, you just couldn't help but lie about it.  I guess you felt like if you lied you might get a chance to get away with it.  But if you tell the truth you will DEFINITELY get in trouble.  The child's mind is doesn't have the reasoning that we do as adults.  So just be patient, if he is a straight A student you are obviously doing something right, and he is a smart boy so maybe he thinks he can talk his way out of things.  But try to seek help from maybe even a school counsellor it might help or just talk to him about why he lies, he may not tell you , but he might tell the counsellor.

Answer 11

Here's my opinion on the problem.  You said that when he finally told you the truth you spanked him anyway.  So of course he is going to stick to his lie!  Kids lie, they push boundaries, but when one knows that once he has lied he's screwed either way ... what's the point of coming clean.

What you need to do is praise him for honesty and stop getting that angry when he lies. First, he needs to get an idea that you're going to change your ways.  Let him know that you know you get too angry sometimes when he lies and if he tells you the truth you won't scold him for it.  That you will be proud of him for accepting that he lied and came forward with the truth. So let's say he lies tomorrow about the cat litter.  Tell him, I know you're lying and I'm disappointed with you.  Send him to his room or a time-out and say ... "When you're ready to tell me the truth we can put this behind us.  I will not be mad and I will not punish you further."  You could, once he tells you the truth, on occasion (because you don't want to set precedent for it) take him for ice cream or do something special.

But you have to stop getting so angry with him and you can't punish him when he finally tells you the truth.

Answer 12

Well, doing something correctly in a child's mind is different from an adult's.

People believe many things to be true and for all they know it is true, same as your child.

It's that simple.

So you swatted him even after he told the truth?

Hitting your child will NEVER EVER bring any respect. It'll bring nothing but fear and then hatred.

6 years from now you might find yourself wondering why you have an out of control 16 year old on your hands.

Communication is always the key.

Children learn to lie from somewhere.  

A key point is to disipline, not punish.

Disipline will build an understanding of why something is incorrect or wrong.

Punishment will build an understanding that he's going to have something taken away from him, or there will be mental/physical pain. That pain will bring fear and hatred over both of you.