I have a very disobedient and disrespectful step-daughter..

Question

My step-daughter has been living with me and my husband for almost two years now. Her mother is not in her life (due to abuse). My husband works full-time and I am at home to care for her all day long. We also decided to take the homeschooling approach because of her behavior in school (which included stealing, lying, and trying to be sexual with other students due to being molested in her mother's care) She is 7 years old. But my question is, she is very disrespectful to me and her father as well, she does not obey a single thing that we tell her. I don't want people to get on here and tell me that I, being her <i>step mother</i> shouldn't discipline her. I feel that I have to discipline her, being at home with her a lot of the time on my own I am the one that HAS to correct something she is doing if it is dangerous, harmful to her or others, etc. because I am the one here with her all day long. My husband and I are finding it very diffucult to get through to her and make her understand the importance of behaving. She is especially defiant of me, however, to the point where if I simply ask her nicely and say please...could you brush your teeth, or please, could you brush your hair, she gets angry and starts throwing a temper tantrum. I am at my wits end. We have tried counseling and that did not help, she just got worse after the counselor told her the things she was doing were harmful to herself and others as well and she didn't need to do them. I guess I just don't know what to do. We have tried grounding, spanking, even a rewards chart where she gets rewards for doing well and behaving well. None of these are effective. I understand that she is hurting, she has been taken out of the only lifestyle she knows and is in a completely different world now, and I'm sad that she is hurting but she can not continue this way, she has got to learn to talk and understand her feelings. But me, as a parent, I don't know how to express this to her. We need help, can anyone help us?

Answer 1

Yea well its hard for her yor not her real Mum &gt;:-l

Answer 2

An answer to your important question.

Please call with any problem, anytime:

Girls and Boys Town &quot;National Hotline&quot;

Phone: [phone]  (toll free)

Email: [e-mail]

Answer 3

You need to find a counselor that you &amp; you family can trust.  This child likely has all kinds of attachment issues that need to be addressed.

You, too, sound like you might be resenting her presence in your life, which will never lead to a good relationship between the two of you.  

Answer 4

shortly put, family therapy can work wonders, and anything may be worth a try, because it looks like the only way your situation can go is up from here

Answer 5

You need to have your husband explain to her that you are both  sorry her mother and father divorced.She cannot pick her parent situation but you DO love her and care for .

Then tell her You are both sorry  for what happened to her under her mother&#039;s care but there is nothing that can be done about the past.

Then both of  explain to her, in SPITE of all that she has gone through it does NOT give her the right to behave however she wants and  neither of you are going to put up with it.

Unlike others,I realize you are in the position of BEING here mother since her real mother dropped the ball here SOMEONE has GOT to do that job and discipline is part of it.From now on do not ASK her to do something, yuou inform her she is going to do it, spank her if she gets out of hand AND take privileges.When she cries and whines, tell her,&quot;I&#039;m sorry but thats the consequences to bad behavior,you want to avoid the consequences, then do what you KNOW is right,otherwise the consequences will be MUCH worse as you get older&quot;.

Then stay CONSISTENT!

If you argue with her,or threaten to discipline her for 30-40 minutes then she knows she has leeway with you.You give her 2nd chance then let her have it.Do NOT feel bad, do NOT feel guilty.If her mother hadtaken better care of her, she would not be in this situation.

Take her out and do things with her also, like take her to the park, take her out to eat etc.Just you and her go do something she enjoys.

She won&#039;t change over night but she will eventually.It is going to take a yr or 2 before you see an improvement.

Answer 6

Call anyone of several places (child protection folks, a local children&#039;s home, a therapist from this site, http://therapists.psychologytoday.com/rm... a minister [Methodists have a lot of very good children&#039;s homes], a priest, the Boy&#039;s Town hotline are some) and get referred to a highly skilled and trained therapist who deals with abused children and get the child to them and hurry.  Dealing with the abused is not rocket science but it does take knowledge, skill, and patience beyond belief and you can&#039;t do it on your own.  The child is HURTING and needs help.  

Answer 7

Yes you do have a situation not a problem so it can be fixed and it may take time cause she is hurting.She has had innocense taken from her.She is looking for love you can believe that,but going about it the wrong way.Do you both go to church,because being around positive kids is a good thing and it may be hard at first.You see if she does act up don&#039;t stop taking her because then she feels that she won,you keep taking her and taking her.Trust me she will figure out in her mind oh they won&#039;t stop going cause i&#039;m mad.I&#039;m with a the big brother and big sister group and my son is to so I see this all the time.Everybody has let her down and that is something you both must never let her see.Love her when she is good and definitly when she is not so good.This is is must,some parents give up to fast on there children.I really wish me and my wife and family lived around by yours,we helped out so many in different ways.

Now as far as your unborn child,you do have to be careful because she thinks that she will be left out when your baby is born.Let her help you pick out things to buy because then she will feel like she is helping out with choices of her sister or brother.You also should buy her something when you buy for your baby cause they won&#039;t feel left out.I hope this helping you out.Just remember that it may get worst before it gets better but there is a light at the end of the tunnel.REMEMBER NEVER GIVE UP LOVING HER.Here is my email if you need anything else [e-mail]

Answer 8

you need to put her into therapy, and probably go into family therapy as well. no amount of love or discipline is going to get around her behavior. and at this point, someone of a neutral standing in her life, someone she could trust isn&#039;t going to do her harm, may be the answer that all of you need right now. make sure to find a therapist who works with victims of sexual acts (such as rape). in fact, contact a rape center and ask for referrals.

Answer 9

first off, why are you surprised at her behaviour?  i&#039;d be worried if she was an angel because that would not be normal - those are the kids more likely to wake you up with a steak knife in your chest ten years down the road.

yes, she&#039;s hurting and, more to the point, she is

scared.

out.

of.

her.

mind.

you don&#039;t know what her mother&#039;s told her about you and her father but i&#039;ll bet it wasn&#039;t nice.  she was molested and likely by someone she trusted.  now she&#039;s with ppl telling her she should trust them.  she was abandoned by her mother - abusive or not, that was her mother.  she was dumped.  got rid of.  &quot;not good enough&quot;.  a failure.

and now you&#039;re going to have a baby and you won&#039;t want her around any more.

what she&#039;s trying to do is drive you to the point you get rid of her, too - it&#039;s a control thing.  instead of trusting you and getting blindsided, she&#039;ll just make sure it happens on her terms.

you NEED professional help, like it or not.  your best bet is to talk to your preacher/pastor/whatever - he&#039;ll know counsellors that are compatible with your religious beliefs.

also, be aware that maybe your ideas and beliefs are NOT the best - counsellors are there to help children and families heal, not force children to bow down to their parents.  soemtimes parents DO have dumb ideas - but it&#039;s not the counsellor&#039;s job to say so, it&#039;s the counsellor&#039;s job to help everybody get to a place where they can all live comfortably.

parents also cannot be in the room when talking with the child - what&#039;s the point in that?  teh child is supposed to speak openly and freely - otherwise, you might as well not go.  

family counselling, properly done, is:

individual counselling for the child(ren)

individual counselling for the parent(s)

group counselling for the family.

the counsellor will NOT tell you anything your daughter has said unless it is something that will result in harm to herself or others; she MUST report anything said that indicates sexual or other abuse; and that&#039;s just how it is.

Answer 10

I guess with step parents its always hard. No matter who their real parent is with, the child isn&#039;t going to like them or care for them as their real parent. Its going against nature you know..and you seem to understand that. Make sure since you are the one watching her during the day, that she gets plenty and I stress plenty of completely alone time with her father. And know that as his daughter, she will always be closer to him than he is to you. Blended families are hard. I would suggest when she has a temper tantrum you remove yourself from the picture, and that will probably calm her down with my experiences. I wouldn&#039;t &quot;yell or punish&quot; her to extremely or harshly yet because she has just gone through abuse, and if you treat her some what like that than she will relate her childhood getting abused comparitive to how you are treating her.

Answer 11

This child needs a lot of psychological help.  She is way beyond your expertise if you know what I mean.

You&#039;d better be careful as she can endanger your newborn indeed.

She needs to see a psychiatrist.  Sadly a child like her likely has to be controlled with meds.  She isn&#039;t going to be &quot;cured&quot; of any of this kind of behaviour anytime soon, if ever so be prepared for that--it&#039;s a long road ahead.

PS: I&#039;m not American so I can&#039;t advise you, but I recommend you go to the state and start there and see who they can recommend. Surely a hospital has social workers or simply contact a rape and abuse centre, it does&#039;t matter where they are, they can refer you.

If I can make a suggestion she should simply attend a good camp with good kids and just learn to be a kid.  

Sadly I think a lot of kids are messed up because they lack these kinds of facilities and interactions with people where they can learn to fit in and just simply get over their problems by interacting with peers who set good examples and get them through.

I spent three years trying to get through to a kid I babysat.  But truth is she was so manipulative that no matter how much you showed her you cared, all she really wanted to do was play mind games and I watched this girl grow over the years and all the warnings I gave her about the direction her life was going to go if she continued to carry on that way turned out to be true.  She really hated my daughter and instead of befriending her all those years when she had a chance, she just chose to cause her (and all of us) grief and so we let her go.  She just wanted to be with people she could control and mess with, and she&#039;s 16 now, living with some guy in a trailer park in the next province over.  She slept with some boy in grade 7 and apparently it was video taped too.  That&#039;s where girls like that end up.  It&#039;s a pity as she was really smart, really pretty, but her parents just taught her to deceive, lie and cheat and she prefered that EASY way out.

There are many good books out there on parenting children like this too.  Maybe there are some tips in there on what to do.

This is a Canadian site for professionals and parents alike  that might help you find the right book to read.  

http://www.parentbooks.ca/  Click on SEARCH SITE and type in ABUSED CHILDREN.

Here&#039;s a couple of books from the site:

http://www.parentbooks.ca/Child_Abuse_Bo...

http://www.parentbooks.ca/Child_Abuse_Re...

Answer 12

she definately needs counceling and you should not be asking yahoo anwsers these questions, they should be refered to a councelor.  She has been through some traumatic things in her life and its not her fault she acts the way she does.  I dont think it is dicipline that she needs, she needs someone to sit down and ask how she feels about things and reassure her that you love her unconditionally.  

Answer 13

She needs a good therapist. Like a psychatrist. You should take her to the doctor and ask around to see who is good. She&#039;s been through so much, it&#039;s not her fault that she&#039;s like that; it&#039;s her mothers. Be patient with her and get her some help. Good luck! =]