I have accepted I may not give birth, but I can still be a mom...?

Question

As per my previous question and answers, I don't think God means to take any child from mother. Unfortunately there are lots of children who need parents. I would just like to be a parent for a child who needs a parent and, as I want a child there might be a child how wants me. I have accepted I might not be able to bare a child but that doesn't mean I can't be a mom. I have read your answers and am learning a lot, so I thank all of you! I believe children in foster care need love and I have love to give, that may be something for me! I can't imagine what they go through. I just have to learn more about this.

Answer 1

I wish we could keep god out of the adoption forum....but I digress.

You can still be a mom, but you need to grieve over the children you cannot have biologically first. An adoptive child is not a replacement, nor is he/she a runner up. If you aren't fully committed to raising an adoptive child as you would have raised a biological child, then it is best to wait or try some other fertility option.

Adoption through foster care is one of the better options out there. It provides a home for children who, in most cases, have no home to return to or who cannot return to their fisrt homes. It is not easy and it is not something to take lightly. There are many issues you may face with an adoptive child, but it can also be very rewarding if it is done ethically and with the child's needs always as the top priority.

Since I am not sure what you are seeking, I will simply say that this forum teaches me something every day....these people--good and bad-- are very thoughtful, very informed, and want the best for the children. Some may come across as mean or hurtful, but they are simply explaining their situation and trying to get it through OUR thick skulls that adoption is NOT about us and our wants and needs and that adoption ALWAYS begins through separation, loss, devastation, hurt, pain, etc. So, in that way, adoption is NOT always the best option, it is not always a 'good' thing and it is not always done for the sake of the child.

I will also say that the best way to learn more is to ask questions and do your homework. There are many books out there--I am sure others can give you a list. You can also contact your DSS/CPS when you are ready to start the process. I absolutely love my child more than anyone on the face of this earth....but I know that MY happiness in being his mommy must be secondary to HIS feelings about being adopted, being hurt, being neglected, etc. I wish you well.

<<adoptive mommy through foster care.

Answer 2

Absolutely!  I have six kids, four were my foster kids for almost ten year, but in my heart they are mine and they know they can't get away....LOL  I also have two younger boys through adoption.

I am sorry but I cannot comment on the God thing.  I believe that people make their own choices.  When God enters this it just seems to muddy the waters.  Everyone has their own beliefs, or lack-there-of, that works for them in their life.

Just some friendly advice, if you are looking at adopting older children, consider a sibling group, there are so many that get split up and lose not only their parents but their brothers and sisters too. Often the only people who have never hurt them, or atleast the people they are closest too.  Common issues that you may want to research are: sexual abuse, emotional, verbal and physical abuse, attachment disorders, physically acting out, fetal alcohol attachment syndrome, ADD/ADHD, failure to thrive, developmental delays, low self-esteem, lack of personal daily living skills and that is all I can think of.

Just remember when the going gets tough to be honest with them.  I have told my kids often that I am struggling.  I maybe sad, angry, frustrated with myself or them, and I just tell them that.  I am not perfect and they know the challenges we are facing.  Just let them know that no matter what is going on you love and accept them, they then do the same for you.

Answer 3

Dear Maria,

Of course, you can.  Foster care children need such kind and caring parents such as yourself.  Please stick around and make an informed decision.  There are so many knowledgeable people here.  I wish you all the best:)  

Answer 4

My belief is that God knows that some woman and men have bodies unable to carry a baby but they have the love a child needs so other woman are giving the pregnancy instead so they can provide a "gift" to those wonderful parents out there unable to give birth to a child naturally.  I think adoption is an amazing way to provide a loving home to a child that needs one.  You are still a parent no matter how your children come to you.  

Answer 5

Maria.  Yes.  There are so many foster children that need homes.  They are all ages, all races, both genders.  They need families SO MUCH.

Now, if you would like to read all my responses to various potential foster parent questions, connect to me and I will add you to my list and then you can see my responses, etc.  It might be helpful, it might not.  Your choice.  I just can't type all that in one post..Y/A would ban me... LOL

Fostering is NOT for everyone.  The kids have had a tough life, most coming from a life of abuse and neglect.  But they really need love and caring and understanding.  And over time, they have that to give back and probably more than regular children for many reasons.

Answer 6

Thank you for your interest in being a foster or adoptive parent! I have two wonderful cousins who were adopted, and it means a lot to know that there are parents like you who are willing to take in these wonderful children in need of loving families! :)

Answer 7

Heya,

Adopting from foster care makes you a different kind of mom. Not worse or better, just different.

I would suggest preparing yourself by educating yourself in what these kids needs, and how best to help them work thru their grief. One of the biggest lessons I have learned over the past two years was to not take the rejection from my son personally. I will never replace his mom. Once I learned this truth and accepted it, we have been able to build on a stronger relationship, one based in reality and in love.

A child adopted from foster care may not "want" you, but may need you. I am not sure how to explain the difference so I hope you understand what I am trying to say.

Not all experiences are like this however. My experience with my daughter has been less fraught with anger and pain, then my experience with my son (they are a sibling group, ages 4 and 51/2 who came to us at age 18 months and 3 years old). Often it depends on the child, their experiences in their family of origin, their experiences in foster care, past trauma, etc.

I would, and have, done anything for my children. I cannot not imagine my life without them. I will sacrifice anything I have to, to make sure they are healthy, and emotionally stable. If this makes me a mom, then yes I am mom. But Lord knows, it has not been easy.

Just live in reality as you start your journey. Know that it is not the fantasy that you grew up with about having a perfect family. For all the pain I have seen my kids go thru and for all the frustration and pain I have experienced thru out the past two years, there is also a lot of joy now. I think one of the most important things I decided was to persevere. Once you have a child from fostercare, NEVER give up on them. No matter what, be prepared to never give up no matter how hard it is.

If you are prepared, then yes you can be a mom.

Answer 8

i view adoption through the same lens as traveling options: one can drive, fly in an airplane, take a train, boat, et al.  although these are very different ways of travel, the same destination will be reached.

analogy:

the "destination" as i see it is parenting.  often, people who are critical of the adoption system don't criticize "parenting." what is of issue is the degree in which pregnancy is marginalized and co-opted to better authenticate adoption (comparing post-partum depression to the stress adoptive mothers experience, for example). also, fmothers (and families) are not acknowledged and respected, the coercion in adoption is ridiculous, the plethora of people trolling for babies is so unethical it's beyond comprehension; and the rights of adoptees are seriously pissed upon.

now, i do agree that foster care adoption is not only needed; but is most likely where you will find children who NEED homes.  very often, newborn adoption involves a pregnancy from a healthy young woman who is either unmarried, not wealthy... these, in my opinion are not valid reasons to separate mother and child. also, the money involved in newborn adoption is insane.  i find it unconscionable that people would pay 20K+ for a newborn adoption, when there are so many kids in foster care who need homes. if what you have is love to give, these are kids who will most likely benefit the most.

do i believe one can be a mother without having given birth?  sure. if the focus is on parenting.

different means of travel, same destination.  

ps.  i have to agree with "tickled blue" about 'keeping God out of adoption discourse."