I have an 11 year old son that we adopted at birth. He now wants to take on the religion of his birth family..

Question

I understand his need to feel connected to his birthparents and in order to do that I can understand why he now feels the need to reject the religion he is being brought up in. I had thought of this as a likely issue to come up. I am not worried about him choosing a different religion and I am not feeling like he is rejecting us. But I do want to continue educating him in our religious beliefs without having to force him into it or make him feel untrue to himself. He is a really smart kid and I don't think bribing him, for instance, would be a good way to try. He understands what he wants and it makes sense to him that he "belongs" with his birthfamily, in a religious way. I also know that if I did "let him" explore his birhtparents' religion that he would feel even more out of place with that right now because there's nothing waiting for him there. I think that could make him feel even less like he belongs. This is a really intelligent and well loved child.

Answer 1

Since you are not religious and see this as an exploring his identity issue, by all means let him do it!

I think that it would be a different thing if religion was a big part of your family life.  I think I would tell you then to be supportive of his exploring his new religion and offer to go to services and explore with him.  But it would also be reasonable for him to be expected to participate in the religious activities of the family, as well.  I think 11 is old enough to start exploring how he wants to worship or if for that matter, but not old enough to make a final decision, so I'd encourage exploration and not allow exclusion.

Answer 2

i was the same way as a kid... im adopted and my parents were never really religious but when i was 13 i decided i wanted to be Jewish and im the only one in my family who is. its nothing bad... its just something among adopted people it makes us remember that were different and unique because were adopted and were well loved...

Answer 3

I'm confused, if you want him to feel true to himself, then let him explore his religion of his choice.

How do you know that him exploring his first parents religion would make him feel more out of place?

I think you're terribly wrong there, just because its a religion that maybe nobody in his current life chooses to follow, he may feel more "inplace" than he's ever felt before, because that is the religion of his people.

There could be alot waiting for him there.

A sense of belonging, a sense of connection, healing, security, faith and love.

If he's so intelligent, then I think we all know what the thing to do is, let him choose his own religion.

You can't take a chicken, from its home and put him into a flock of geese and expect the chicken to honk like a goose. They chicken would still cackle. Even if raised by geese. It doesn't mean the chicken couldn't love the geese, appreciate the geese, but he'd still be a chicken.

Answer 4

I agree with Morgaine..... here's why.....

My 9 year old recently (well, last year) decided she wanted to change religions. She wanted to be baptist. Ok, fine. But she had no idea why, or what it was about. She just wanted to be "it". I had the feeling maybe she needed to get her feet wet and explore more than what she was used to. There are 4 sundays in a month (normally). So the first sunday, we agreed she would go to a Catholic church. The second sunday, she went to the Baptist church. Third was Christian. Fourth was Methodist. She quickly decided on her own she no longer liked the Catholic church and she very clearly explained why. Her reasons were logical, not childish. She eventually narrowed it down to the Methodist church. She now goes there every sunday, with a friend, while we go to our church. Sometimes she'll humor us and go to our church with us to make us happy.  :)

Maybe you can work something like that out with your son. One sunday he can go to your church, the next his religion of choice. And flip them back and forth until he's truly sure that's what he's ready for. It may really be his calling, or it may be a phase. Kids at that age sometimes don't really know what it is they're looking for.

Brooke thought she wanted baptist b/c that's what her friends were. She ended up not liking it afterall. Whatever you do, let him know you support his search for himself!

Answer 5

i think you may need to give him the chance to do this for himself and support him if he doesnt want to be taught the religion you believe in there is no way you can teach him it without forcing it upon him. i know it may be frustrating at the moment but the main thing is that he is happy - is it not? if you try to push the subject this may push him away. well done on bringing up what sounds like a bright young boy. i dont know where you are from but where i live religion is not a thing for young children which is a shame. good luck to you and your family with this.

Answer 6

As someone who had religion "crammed down my throat" for 16 years, my suggestion is to let him explore the other religion.  You don't identify either religion (not that it's important), but if they are  completely opposite say one a "Christian" religion and the other say a Hindu or something of that nature I understand your concerns.  Something you may suggest to him is to research the religion if he hasn't already done so. I personally find studying other religions exciting and fascinating, but it used to really bother my mother.  You may want to research it a bit yourself, so you can help him make an informed decision later when he feels that he has to make a choice as to which religion he wants to practice.  You may want to attend service with him at his "new" church to try to meet some of the other parents and to better understand this religion.  It may also make it more convenient for you and your son where another family can take him to service if you aren't comfortable going.

If you force one religion over the other, it will cause him to rebel and he'll choose the one of his birth parents just to spite you, or he will choose neither and will feel more lost and "out of place" than you think he does now.

Answer 7

You say he is smart and you should be sure that he will make the right decision. Its his right to do what he believes in even if that is different from both what you believe in and what his birthfamily believes in. What you can do is help him make the decision and discuss it more with him.

Best wishes.

Answer 8

I think you should support him in his choice whatever he does, this way he will know that you understand his need. But also tell him that if he explores and doesn't like it, he can still be a part of your religion.

Answer 9

Respect him, honor him, and treat him like a fellow human being.  Let him pursue it if he wants to do so.  Let him be ALL of who he is - not just the part that is you.  Would you tell your best friend or husband not to pursue another religion because you think they might get hurt or feel they belong to you less?  Would you make them continue to be educated in your religion to make sure they still feel like they belong to you?  

At 11, he either feels like a welcome member of your family or he doesn't.  Denying him will alienate him.  Making him continue education in your religion will alienate him.  Honoring and respecting his pursuits can only reinforce your relationship with him.  Show interest as a student yourself, let him feel free to share what he learns with you - and don't debate with him from your religious standpoint.

Answer 10

Religion is such a sticky subject.

I don't think you should be discouraging him into exploring the other religion, only because he will do it no matter what, and discouraging him will only make it look more appealling.  

Can you make a deal with him that he goes to your religious ceremony every other week and the opposite weeks goes to the other?  You could arrange with a family at the other church to kind of take him under their wing and look after him.  In a few years he will be able to drive himself to church, and at that point, you may want to encourage him to choose between the two (though I personally see nothing wrong with attending a million different churches, as I don't believe in one true religion).

I know it has to be hard on you that it seems like he is rejecting your faith, but he will eventually need to find his own way to God and to faith, this just starts the journey faster.

Good luck!

PS: I was raised as one religion until I was 12, then another, then went back to my original religion when I was an adult.  Now, I don't believe that any religion has it all right, so I will be encouraging my children to explore all religions in a quest for them to decide, for themselves, what is best for them.  Though we will probably have them baptised and raised in my husband's religion (AND I will make sure they attend other churches too, just to get an idea of what is out there).

Answer 11

"I do want to continue educating him in our religious beliefs "

from that comment it sounds like he is saying i have had enough religion let me make my own choice, don't push him let him go at his own pace

Answer 12

I think you should support his desire to explore his birth family's religion.  I also think that you should have several open talks with him so that you can make sure you know his goals.  Also, can't hurt to let him know you don't feel threatened, you will love him no matter what.

Answer 13

I think he needs to make a connection to his birth family. Let him decide for himself but be there if he finds that it's not fullfilling him. I'm adopted and I have an odd one lol. My grandad once confessed to me that his favourite breed of dog was the english bull terrier, and as it happens it is mine as well! so now, as soon as I have a house with room I am getting a bull terrer. I think to make a connection is like paying tribute to your birth family. They count and they should be valued and if you are distant, choosing to take a particular religion or live a certain way  makes them feel closer and valued.

PS. he is not rejecting you, he is just making a connection, I promise you he will have had no intention to hurt you.

Answer 14

Oh my - you sound like such a loving parent.  Intelligent children are fun but can be difficult to raise because they sometimes start pushing away so young.

Is it possible that you could explore the religion of his birth family together?  I am not saying that you need to subscribe to the religion but learn about it and understand why the way that they express their faith is important to them.

Answer 15

You say it's not about you, but it is.

He's 11.  In most religions, that is older than what is expected to make informed decisions.

If he wanted to learn, say woodworking, would you have a problem with that?  Or wrestling?  Or painting?  Of course not.  

He's trying to BELONG, and you're trying to usurp that.  He is OF his natural parents.  Adoption in infant hood doesn't change who people are.  

I grew up with an adoptive mother who hated the things I loved.  My natural mother and I have very similar interests, tastes, and hobbies.

Let the kid go!  Which do you prefer respect or resentment?

The choice is yours.