I have an adoption situation that I would love all people on this forum to take a look at and analyze...?

Question

I went to have lunch with the people who work at my son's adoption agency. They had a mom contact them who they had worked with while she was pregnant, but had decided to parent. She has a 3 week old beautiful little girl. She's having a mental breakdown. Her husband has decided to leave her. She wanted to drop the baby off with them for the day so she could clear her head a little, go to a doctor's appointment, and go visit with her pastor. She told them that she is not bonding with the baby. He looks just like her dad and this makes her sad. She's breastfeeding right now but has no desire to do it anymore because it's too emotionally painfull. So, she dropped the baby off. She called all day long to check on her. The baby had been well taken care of and was a very good baby. I stayed with at the adoption agency all day long and helped them take care of her. When she came back to the adoption agency she was interested in putting her in the foster care provided by the agency.

Answer 1

This woman sounds like she needs time and counseling.  It sounds to me like she might have post partum depression.  She needs to see an MD about this.  She is overwhelmed and when you are in this state you really are not prepared to make life-changing decisions.  I hope she can get the help she needs.

Answer 2

The fact that the mother called all day about her baby & then came to pick her up tells me she HAS bonded to that baby, but due to her circumstances is for far into depression, she doesn't realize it herself.

By the sounds of it, you'd make a great foster mom. You have the care, concern, love & the willingness to let go. Everything a great foster mom needs. Go for it !!!!!!!

Answer 3

This is a really sad story.  I guess the one thing that hasn't been addressed directly, but I think it was implied was that this mom is going through a doozy bout of PPD.  WHat a ton to throw on anyone.

I hope that she finds the peace of mind and answers to her situation soon.

Answer 4

maybe a combination of hormones, husband leaving her (the prick) and new motherhood blues (ppd.)

The first few months of motherhood are so hard. And to have unsupportive parents, and lame X-husband leaving you on your own, i can't even imagine what shes going through.

I've never heard of an agency that did such a thing. Is this common? is it rare? what are these agencies? are they from the state? are they non profit? what are the requirements to do the baby sitting thing? I mean, they wouldn't keep the baby forever?!?! and she could just come back...when? whats the length she can be away? does she have to pay? leave supplies? what state is this in? are you comfortable telling me the state?

Answer 5

Perhaps this young girl has postpartum depression.  That can make the very best of new mothers feel overwhelmed and unable to cope.

The foster care idea sounds like a very good option for her if she feels she needs to take some time out to heal and pray.  I hope her pastor is able to help and guide her along her journey of recovery.

If their parish is close, could a group of people get together to give her some assistance?  When a new mom, or any parent, is struggling, our parish close ranks and make sure that the childrens needs are taken care of and the parents are helped along in their journey.

I hope everything goes well for her and I will include her and her baby in my prayers.

Answer 6

Ok...

Does she have other children?  Is she an adult? Could you possibly take them BOTH into your home for a few months or even a few weeks, until she is back on her feet?

(oh.. and how did she deliver? was it a C-section, induced or natural?  If it was one of the first two, that could be feeding into her depression!)

Answer 7

Quote "Also, her parents were the ones who convinced her initially not to put the baby up for adoption.:Unquote

Quote "She told them that she is not bonding with the baby. He looks just like her dad and this makes her sad. She's breastfeeding right now but has no desire to do it anymore because it's too emotionally painfull"Unquote

Personally I would be telling her to grow the h**l up. Husbands leave wives all the time but people dont throw their babies away because they *look* like the husband and stop giving what is best for the baby IE BREASTMILK

All i can say is SELFISH SELFISH AND SELFISH

These stories make me so very very VERY Angry..

You cant decide that you could just be a foster mother because you happened to *click* with one little baby...Being a foster mother is so much more than feeling the love for one little tiny helpless baby

What happens if the husband decides to come back ? and she has given away their baby ? will she then disrupt the babys thenlife and say oh sorry I want my baby back

ACK GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR

ETA upon reflection I was probably a little harsh and should give her her the benefit of the doubt. She needs to see a Dr asap and she needs support, she doesnt need people taking her baby away from her in any way

Answer 8

Wow-  is this actually...no, it can't be...!  An example of coercion to parent that's backfiring?  Just using some of you guys' terms for a change...

*You've got to be kidding me- "since she took the baby with her again, she must be bonded to her".  Give me a freakin' break- if she had left the baby there, it would have been "they coerced her into putting the baby into foster care"-  you just can't win with you people.  

The girl said when she was pregnant she couldn't do it and wanted to give the baby up.  She was either convinced or coerced into attempting to parent.  Yeah, well, that's not working.  Respect that she knows her heart without calling it PPD or blaming it on "the prick" (which he probably is, but that's beside the point).  You guys all say that you are all about the kids, the adoptees.  Well, then show it.  Don't make this mother parent when she either can not or does not want to.  It's OUR right to choose that.  We have rights that need to be considered, too.

Now that she has attempted to parent, all that's going on by making her keep trying to parent is torturing both her and the baby.  Let them both move on!!  The baby needs to be in a loving, capable home.  The girl needs some time to straighten some issues out- whether when she gets it straightened out she wants the baby back or not, nobody knows, but if it's really about the baby, then let her be in a loving home.

When I was pregnant, I was pressured to abort (from the boyfriend) as well as to parent (from a friend who was a single mom).  I knew I was uncapable and unwilling to do either.  So I chose adoption.  No one chose it for me, no one coerced me in any way- I contacted an adoption agency, I picked her parents, I picked an attorney, etc.).  Even today, having issues with an open adoption being closed on me, I don't regret it for a second.  I was not meant to parent that baby, and that's that.  I didn't get the respect for my decision that I deserved, but that doesn't mean that I can't speak out and try to get respect for others in the same situation.

Answer 9

I DO NOT  mean to sound callous but aside from the PPD this is what I mean by being prepared to raise your children alone. You never know what is going to happen down the road. I know it's my own upbringing that makes me mistrust or depend on only myself, but this is why I say be willing to raise your children yourself.  People say things, maybe they mean them, maybe they don't, maybe they had good intentions but their situation changed, maybe they never would have left you but God had a different plan.

I am sorry for your friend and I hope she finds a solution that works for her. Maybe you can talk to her about all the parents who for many different reasons have had to go it alone and she can find strength from it.

Answer 10

I think that you being a temp foster mom for the baby sounds like a great idea.

Answer 11

It sounds like she has a lot of stuff going on in her life right now, and that can really add to the stress of having a newborn--and newborns are already a lot of stress with the sleep deprivation and the hormone changes and all.  

It sounds like she might need to talk to someone about PPD (post partum depression) which could be the reason she is having difficulty bonding with her baby.  It's very common, and it's no one's fault, and even people with relatively easy lives can get it.  Also, it doesn't make her a bad mom (make sure to tell her that!).

She needs support right now-since her husband and her family seem to have abandoned her.  Talk to her yourself, or find some community resources in your area where she can talk to a counselor or go into a support group.

I hope everything works out for her!

Answer 12

It sounds like she has post-partum.

After all these stories on the news I'd be afraid if she did place the baby for adoption she'd change her mind in a year when she gets better and call the adoption agency as well as thhe ap's "baby stealers"

I think right now she needs support not foster care

Answer 13

Wow I've never heard of an agency doing that - are they hoping to persuade her to TPR, I wonder

This poor girl has really been though it, hasn't she.  Sounds like PPD.  Here in the UK she could go to a mother and baby unit for help with this AND stay with her baby, don't you have support for mothers in the USA other than relieving Mom of her baby.   I don't call that help and support

I hope this works out.  It was good of you to help care for the baby and I hope the poor lady gets the help she needs to get through this.   PPD affects 1 in 10 mothers put that together with hubby leaving and she's really suffering and not in any state to be making any rash decisions