I have another poem. Can you give me some comments?

Question

Some people said they would look for more of my work...so here it is. This one is a bit like my last one. I don't like it as much but i kind of like some of the lines. Thx for reading!!!!

The Burning eyes of Lullabies

Tears sting

But tears don't help a thing

Turns burn

But tears won't make my life turn

The tears in my eyes

Sing me a Lullaby

Rest your head

Though you can't escape what they said

Burning from the inside out

You can't see what I'm talking about

Something eating away at me

Something you will never see

Put on a smile

It's sure to be fake for a while

Someday it might seem

That all the bad things were just a dream

The tears in my eyes

Sing me a Lullaby

Though while I'm sleeping

I'm still just weeping

I'll wipe away your tears

If you'll do the same in a couple years

I'll comfort you

As I hope that you'll comfort me too

So when I say I cried

Don't tell me I must have lied

Tell me that it's okay

That you'll be here for me everyday

I'm by your side now

I'll help if you tell me how

I wish fate was real sometimes

So I wouldn't be writing my sad little rhymes

The tears in my eyes

Sing me a Lullaby

They tell me hush and rest

Even knowing that it wasn't for the best

Sing me a song

So I can sing along

Tell me why you make my heart leap

So someday I might actually get to sleep

All comments welcome. (I prefer the negative ones to be constructive criticism and not insults.) THANKS IN ADVANCE!

Answer 1

Not bad, but a little bit too strong of a rhyme scheme for my liking.   I prefer poems that don't rhyme so much because they seem more tasteful and professional.  Or try a more complex rhyme scheme... your current one is AABB CCDD EEFF, etc.

Why not ABCB DEFE or something?

Also, some of your rhymes are too cliche.  Words like me/see and you/too and smile/while make weak, overused rhymes.   Try for more original rhyme endings.  I did like the use of "eyes/lullaby" that was good.

Keep at it, you've got some talent, but also some room to grow.

Good luck.

Answer 2

It's very good. Thoughtful and emotional.

I found it to be helpful.

Answer 3

I like it, almost seem likeyou can turn into a song, aswell.

Answer 4

I liked it.  It takes one through a

journey of sorts.  

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cL22Cwo-S...

Answer 5

that was AWESOME i loved u should be a poet some day i hope u love poetry i hope u do cuz u could make good books

Answer 6

you should go to www.writerscafe.org. you can post writing, comment on writing, and critique writing. Posting your writing there is very usefull. Good Luck.

Answer 7

pretty interesting stuff you have their i think your good at this keep it up maybe you will be a writer on this and some one might hiring you