I have bad childhood memories and experiences and I think as an adult, it has made me mentally unstable..

Question

Does anyone else share a similar situation?

I have always been very polite and mild-mannered but when somebody tries to get a rise out of me or tries to hurt me, I feel a burning hatred inside of me. I think it's because I didn't have many friends as a kid, I was rejected by many of my peers, I was sexually abused by a man my parents trusted, I had trouble fitting in, adults would make fun of me because I was overweight (no longer an issue now...), A man tried to kill my mother and me when we asked him for directions... My childhood is a big blur but certain horrible memories stick out..

I'd like to be a better person and stay the usually happy and quiet guy I am, but am afraid that one day, somebody will say the wrong thing and I will do something terrible to them.. I want to be a better person but I don't know how.

I haven't cried for several years, I am emotionally apathetic and when someone dies, I can't feel a thing in me. I have trouble sympathizing with others and even though I try and preserve a calm demeanor, I feel a tangible hate every day I live..

How can I change myself? I have thought about taking up my faith in God again... it seems to be the only thing that keeps me sane.

Answer 1

Very similar situation to mine. Except my bad childhood was just because my dad was mentally insane and he liked to beat us up.

For a while I hated everyone and everything and I've never kept a friend to this very day. But I'm actually getting better now because I started to like myself a bit more when I'm funny in public. I think I'm a bit weird to the "normies", but whatever. If it makes me laugh, it's ok, right?

So I guess maybe it will work for you, too. Try this, maybe?

Go to a higher-end grocery store and scare old people.

Or ride a bus and play your headphones loudly, and every now and then you just look at someone and belch or something. Then completely ignore them. Hahahaha it makes me feel better every time.

Oh but if you want to behave or something I guess just be nice to people and help them and such. Make you feel better.

You're only as human as you feel, so if you really "want" to be human like the normies, I'd try that... Also, faith in God is good whichever path you choose.

Wish you luck! >__>

Answer 2

Your best bet mr is to get yourself to the doctors and see a therpaist/counseller and start to talk about your past slowly ....you need to deal with the past to move on  :)

Answer 3

I totally understand where you coming from on this. Like you, I always consider myself super-sensitive to hurtful remarks etc. and also take utmost care in ensuring noone gets hurt because of me :)

Thankfully, I didn't have some of your worst experiences in childhood e.g. sexual abuse etc. but yes, I do remember incidents in which adults and peers humiliated me in ways I couldn't look myself in the mirror for days. Some of those happennings may have shattered my self-confidence in career choices like becoming a figher pilot. However, I was never short of friends in fact during my college days, I was quite the popular guy -had plenty of girlfriends and stuff :) I think it's something to do with the coping mechanism I developed early on. Probably depending on your personality type, you are OK as far as being sensitive is concerned. But, you need to simultaneously need to develop an emotional coping mechanism as a counterweight to your sensitive personality. Here is my golden rule suggestion:

1. Do not take another person's hurtful remarks at face value. Always remember the Golden rule in dealing with such remarks: it's not the speaker's "intention" which hurts you eventually but the MEMORIES of such events which linger in your brain long after that person is gone. Try to get rid of those stupid, painful memories - bury them in the hatchet by not paying much attention to the degree and extent of the hurt caused by that remark.

E.g. if you approach a girl for dance and she rejects you for certain "factors" do not take it to heart. It's just that her personality does not mesh with yours - there's nothing in common between you two. Maybe she was being an ignorant *** - so what you do when you meet her again due to coincidence. Do you carry the weight of her past remarks supposing she's in a better mood and wants to have a light hearted conversation with you? You need to bury whatever happened in the hatchet and forget the incident. Ignore it by NOT paying much attention to it the very moment it happened. Just say "F* you" or whatever expletive to forget that incident :) use a punching bag or some violent aggressive video game to forget that incident. Not all people are the same. Just coz she was a ***** doesn't mean all girls are like that.

By not carrying the weight of hurtful remarks in a past incident, you can learn to be cool and composed even when they rip you apart through sarcasm and lies. Be an adult: learn to deal with sarcasm, criticism and misbehavior without losing it yourself.