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I have been told that I will never be able to have kids. Does adoption make you less of a mother?

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Some people think because you are an adoptive parent you are less of a parent I think that is not the case.

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  1. No, it doesn't make you less of a parent.  Just giving birth to a child does not make someone a parent.  Loving your child, supporting them, encouraging them, and teaching them how to grow to a productive person is being a parent.


  2. You are not less of a mother because you are an adoptive parent.  I will be honest with you though, I am unable to have children of my own as well, and even though I have the two most wonderful children by adoption, I still feel once in a while incomplete.  

    When you go to court and finalize an adoption, the judge pounds his gaval and says "petition for adoption...granted!"  At that moment in time, you are as much of a mother to that child as if you birthed him/her yourself!  The state does not view you any differently.  

    Good luck, I know that it is a rough road...but one well worth traveling!

  3. No- I think to 'mother' is very different to simply 'birth' a child. Mothering is a skill, birthing simply an act.

    I think adoptive parents are wonderful people and good on them for having enough love to share to the less fortunate.

  4. Are you crazy!!!!  LESS?!?!?!?! of a mother.  NOT A CHANCE!!!!!!!!!!  Try more of a human being.  I think this says it all:

    Once there were two women who never knew each other - one you do not remember; the other you call Mother. Two different lives shaped to make you one - one became your guiding star; the other became your sun. The first one gave you life and the second taught you to live it - the first gave you a need for love; the second was there to give it. One gave you a nationality; the other gave you a name. One gave you a talent; the other gave you aim. One gave you emotions; the other calmed your fears. One saw your first sweet smile; the other dried your tears. One sought for you a home that she could not provide; the other prayed for a child and her hope was not denied. And now you ask me through your tears the age-old question unanswered through the years: Heredity or environment - which are you a product of? Neither, my darling. Neither. Just two different kinds of love!

    Don't ever, every think that because you cannot give birth to a child that you are a lesser woman or mother!!!!!!!!!!!!  To quote another poem:

    Not flesh of my flesh,

    Nor bone of my bone,

    But still miraculously my own.

    Never forget for a single minute,

    You didn't grow under my heart

    but in it.

    God Bless You for giving a child a chance by adopting.

  5. If you're an adoptive parent, you're tops in my books.  Only someone with extremely narrow views would consider you less of a parent.

  6. You're right, it is not the case.

    You will love, nurture, enjoy, worry about, be proud of, a child you adopt every bit as much as a biological child. Don't let anyone tell you different.

  7. ABSOLUTELY NOT....IT IS ADMIRABLE THAT ONE WOULD ADOBT A CHILD AND CARE FOR THEM!!!!

    I was also told I could not have children and I have a 2 year old and am 39 weeks with our last one.  Don't ever discount yourself as a mother whichever way you go!!!!  Best of luck to you and God Bless YOU!!!

  8. You will be just as much of a mother to a child you adopt as you would to one you gave birth too. The only difference is that the child would not be biological related to you. Other then that there would be no differences and you’d be just as much of a mother to your adopted child, as the mother next door who has two biological children. Lets face it being someone’s mother is far more then just carrying them inside you for 9months and giving birth.

  9. MY HUBBY AND I WEREN'T ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN OF OUR OWN. WE CHOSE ADOPTION. THE BEST DECISION WE HAVE EVER MADE. WE ADOPTED OUT OF FOSTER CARE IN MISSOURI. MY CHILDREN WERE 3 AND 13 MTHS OLD WHEN THEY CAME TO LIVE WITH US. THEY WERE 5 AND 3 WHEN THE ADOPTION WAS FINALIZED. SO WE THINK YOUR MORE OF A PARENT IF YOU ADOPT BECAUSE YOU ARE HELPING CHILDREN THAT DON'T HAVE PARENTS A HOME AND UNCONDITIONAL LOVE.

    ANYONE CAN BE A MOTHER OR FATHER BUT IT TAKES A REAL MAN OR WOMAN TO BE A MOMMY AND A DADDY!!!!!!!

  10. I can't believe people actually ask her this, but  a friend of mine who has an adopted daughter is often asked if she loves her the same as she would a birth daughter. She always replies, "if it's not the same, it's more".

    If you have the love in your heart to be a parent, it doesn't matter if you gave birth to that child or not.

  11. No certainly not. In fact I would appreciate if people stop conceiving and start adopting the orphan children.

  12. A woman is a *different* kind of mother when she adopts.  She cannot replace the child's natural mother, nor can a child replace the one(s) she can never have, but she *is* a mother once that child is in her care.  

    Most adoptive parents love their adopted children and, of those who also have bio kids, profess to love them just as much.  But adopted kids have a harder time *receiving* and *accepting* that love than bio kids do, because most of them have a somatic, subconscious memory of having been abandoned (even if that was not the case by adult standards).  

    A woman who raises another woman's child with compassion and empathy, who respects the child as her fellow human being, honors and respects the child's first mother and family, and the child's unique nature is special indeed.  It's much harder to mother adopted children successfully than it is to mother one's biological children.

    A mother who surrenders her child for adoption is also not less of a mother.  Although she may not be raising her child, she *never* stops being her child's mother - either biologically or psychologically.  Even bad mothers who lose their children to adoption are still mothers - not good mothers, but mothers just the same.

  13. Dear Shon,

    Adopting "makes" you not only a good mother but proves that you are a very kind, decent, conscientious & compassionate human being, who actually planned on having a child instead of giving it no thought and is willing to parent a child who already exists and is in desperate need of a loving mother, family & forever home. The fact that adoptive parents are screened, fingerprinted,  and willing to jump through all of these hoops, unlike many people who thoughtlessly pop out babies left & right (they are the ones who really ought to be screened) and add to an already over populated planet, shows that you are a loving and empathetic person, who cares about children & this planet. You say that you "think this is not the case" "that some people think....you are less of a parent". Well that is your conscience and your gut instincts telling you that you are on the right path and doing the right thing and that those people are very wrong.

    Pay no attention to the thumbs down that your supporters are getting. A certain group has taken over this forum and get their jollies giving us bad votes. These anarchists have severe mental problems and love to cause other people they disagree with pain. Just ignore them and don't bother with this one book they always recommend. This is not what the majority of people think and know about adoption.

    There are hundreds of excellent books on adoption out there. I think I read almost all of them because I didn't have a computer when I was adopting. Some even have tests you can take to help you decide.

    Stand tall and firm and don't let these trolls talk you out of what you know in your heart is right and what you want. Good luck on your journey, sweetie and hang in there.

    Out of 38 people in here only 3.5 disagree ( & don't bother looking at the votes. The 3.5 got their gang to come in here and give us all thumbs down, who support you), the rest of us think what you are doing is great. You are doing the right thing and bless you for it.

    Sunny, you said "well, the way the question is phrased makes it impossible to answer without sounding like a jerk". How is that, when 34.5 of the rest of us found no problem answering Shon's question and don't sound like jerks? Is it possible that you are finally aware that the majority of us in the Adoption forum are on to you and you are realizing you & your gang really have been jerks (& that's putting it mildly)? You still got them in here to give us all thumbs down, though, so I guess not. IMHO, it's possible and highly probable that your activities in here have backfired. I agree with all the others who have said that you have some major issues to work on. You are in my prayers and you have my pity.

    Scorpio, I know what you mean about getting the thumbs down. I get them all the time, too. At first I though I was in the Twilight Zone but now I know better, lol. All we can do is pity them. Anyhow, your answer was great as always. Have a good one.

  14. The only opinion that really matters on this issue is the opinion your potential adopted child.

    Personally, I "divorced" myself from my adopters. I know plenty of others who have done the same.

    So yes in MY situation my adopters were not my parents.

  15. Adoptive parents and biological parents are all real parents.

    Neither is better than the other.

    Neither is more "real."

    Neither is "more of" a parent than another.

    Period.

  16. Less of a mother than what?

    I don't know, different maybe, it is different than having your own child and rearing your own child, it comes with a lot of difficulties that just don't exist in natural families.

    If I were going to do it, I would make sure I had a lot of support and I would adopt an older child who wanted to be adopted.

  17. NO NO NO NO, I think its makes you more of parent.  I think its great to do that.  I opened the idea of adoption to my husband but he wants us to have one of our own first then we are going to look into adoption.  My sis is actually going thru the process right now.  Its a long process so you get started now.  It looks like she is going to get a new baby girl and her brother who 1 year old.  She didn't want them to be split up.  And she choosing to have a closed adoption.  Due to the mother of the children she has a lot of issues.  

    Good For you

  18. Absolutely not.

  19. adopting does not make you less of a mother--just a mother by a different means. similar to a step-parent who raised a child from a young age.

    as for the poster who called "birth an act" it's clear that this person didn't go through pregnancy, 13+ hours of labor, a delivery and 2-3 months of healing. to marginalize childbirth is as insensitive as someone suggesting that adoptive parents are lesser parents.  bith is indeed NOT merely an "act", yet a process of physical sacrifice and love.

    it would be nice if we could get past the "how" we become  parents and focus more on being the best parents for the kids who need us...

    to the poster: good luck on your adoption journey.

  20. no you are just as much a mother as any woman who gives birth to a child. in my opinion being a mother is kissing scraped knees and reading bedtime stories. its packing school lunches and driving him to little league practices. being a mother is so much more then just blood, it love.

  21. Well, I am in the particular situation of being both an adoptive and biological mother and I can honestly say that I love all my children equally. There are some different responsibilities and issues that go along with being an adoptive mother but there are no less feelings of love, protectiveness, and desire for the child to be happy. Please be very informed before adopting. Read as much as you can and talk with other adoptive parents and adoptees about the right way to do things. I'm an advocate of open adoption. While it sounds scary, most of the time it is better for the child. Also, adoptive parents who participate in open adoptions usually feel MORE secure in their relationship with their adopted child than those who did not.

  22. ABSOLUTELY NOT!!!  I can't even imagine someone would think that, let alone say it out loud!  I admire people who adopt, and they are 100% as much of a parent as anyone who has biological children.

    Good luck with adopting, go for it!!!!!!

  23. no it does not,there are 2 many kids out there that need loving mothers to take care of them,you sound like you would be a good one,good luck to you.

  24. No if you adopt that makes you more of a caring, and loving mother. No child should live without knowing that someone cares!

  25. no it does not it makes you more of a mother, and adoptions does not make you less of a parent at all , having a child whether adopting or having one makes you a parent but the love you will give and show that child is endless and that is what makes you a mother!!!!! Dont worry about what people think , just stay focused on what you want and when you adopt your child i bet the those  people will come around and tell you how good of a mother you are regaurdless of what they said or thought before , i hope this helps

  26. Having no kids period makes you "less of a mother"!!  LOL!  If a loving couple were to adopt a child,  and they treated the child right,  it makes them a hero!!

  27. No way!!!   Those people don't get it if they think that adoptive parents are any different than biological parents.

    Sunny:  I have to disagree with you when you say adopted children are special needs kids.  Excuse me, but my son is adopted and that's just not the case!  He's 20 years old now, but he's always known he was adopted, and it's been a very healthy situation.  Always.  That's not to say he hasn't had questions- he has, but we've always been very honest with him about everything.  We're positive people and honestly we felt like, and still do feel like he was a miracle for us.  

    When you say it's no picnic being adopted it sounds like you have some issues that you need to work through.  Good luck to you...

  28. Absolutely not. I can't speak for myself but my sister adopted almost a year ago from China since she couldn't have one naturally. I have a 5 month old and think that both of us love our children the same. When a child needs a home it doesn't matter where the mother comes from, just that you do everything you can to be a good mom. People will have their own opinions on this but you need to do what is right for

  29. No it does not, if anything you are more of a mother for taking on a child of somebody elses loving it and supporting it.

  30. I think that people suck if they even caused that stupid thought to enter your brain. Put it out of your head and be a mom - adopt a baby!  God bless!

  31. h**l NO Adoption does not make you less of anything - if you ask me, it makes you MORE
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