I have decided that adoption is the best option for my unborn child, so what next?

Question

I have chosen a close acquaintance to adopt my baby. I know she will be able to provide the kind of life for this child that I know I cannot at this time.

I am the mother of a two year old and I am 9 weeks into this pregnancy.

So, what do I do now? What challenges am I sure to face?

Her biggest fear is that I will change my mind, like many people do. What can I do to reassure her? Should I wait a while before bringing it up again or should I just state firmly that this is what I have decided and I am sure?

Answer 1

Congratulations and  best of luck to you.  Just know you are a totally unselfish person to make this decision.  

Many people change their minds, especially after the birth and it  really just happens.  This is why there is a waiting period before the child can legally be adopted by its "new" mom.  Have your friend hire an attorney to draw up the papers and even offer to go to some councelling classes with her(should be some free ones-planned parenthood, or maybe even a local church or councellor, maybe even the lawyer could reccommend one-or she can pay for it) so that she knows you are serious.  

I'm sure you are taking care of yourself, but have it in writing everything!  Even if the child were to be born with problems, downs, anything-would she still take him/her, or would you be left alone.  I think once she sees how serious you are about all the details she may relax.  Or not, she could just be a nervous wreck until that baby is in her arms.

Keep in mind your friendship may change after as well.  She may keep being paranoid about everything and be scared that  you will change your mind somewhere along the way-even months or years after the fact.  Maybe you could be considered an auntie for this child if you want to be included.  I'm not sure of your arrangement or of your friendship.

Your biggest challenge is to keep yourself happy and content and also your 2yr old!  Probably not an easy task.  Maybe keep a journal that you could give to this child to have when he/she is older-so they will understand how much you loved to be able to give up.  Go ahead and put everything you think, feel, or thought about in it.  Someday, that child will read it and be proud that you were a small-yet important part of their life.

Other challenges would probably be friends, family that spend time with you and see you are pregnant and try to talk you out of it.  Of "giving away" your child, or all the other ignorant and unintentionally hateful things people say.  Or late in the pregnancy when that child starts to move around and your two year old is being a perfect angel you may even change your mind.  This is where a journal may come in handy-and dont think of it as a chore.  Train  yourself to write a sentence or two before you fall asleep.  Know that you may change your mind.  It happens.  Also know that even if you do-with hormones and everything making it difficult-you can change it back even if your child is a little older.  Its a bit more complicated, but you have to do what is right for all of you.

Best of luck and encouragement.  You will be in my thoughts, Sheri

Answer 2

Adoption is a hard decision to make and I am sure it is taking alot on your part all you can do now is make sure you eat well and go to the doc appts and take her with you have her involved in all decisions made about the baby and maybe she will feel that you are sure to do this. Good luck to you both!

Answer 3

find a lawyer that specializes in adoptions.  for both your sakes.  God bless you for thinking of your child first.

Answer 4

First of all...you have made a very responsible decision...please don't let anyone tell you differently.  

Now...are you SURE you want a friend to adopt your child?  Do you want an open adoption?  I would look for an organization in your area that promotes adoption.  You will need legal advice, for your protection and the adoptive family's.  I have no idea if this is a good website, but I am attaching one.  If this is no good, try Ask.com.  Just type in what you are looking for.  God Bless...good luck!

Answer 5

Put it in a legal binding document... of course the state you live in dictates how much time you have to change your mind.  Plan a vacation/out of town trip for however long the state has deemed the waiting period.  Show her proof of your plans, and it will be good for you to accept the situation.  Your child is very fortunate to have someone willing to do this for you.  This is a risk all adoptive parents have to face, and it is very very hard to bond with a child that may be taken from you.  I know.  Our youngest son was adopted at birth, it was one of the most emotionally nerve wrecking period.  She did change her mind, but the lawyer told her that the adoption paperwork was airtight and it would cost a lot of money to try to get him back, and she probably would lose.  GET A

GOOD LAWYER ON ADOPTION AND TELL HIM YOU WANT IT AIRTIGHT.  Good luck.  My son has been a gift from  God.  We were unable to have children.  I couldn't be more proud of him if he were made of gold.

Answer 6

my advice is to educate yourself on the trauma adoption does to a child. To stop pleasing the potential adopter and start thinking about the long terms effects of separation from you, on your child and yourself. Journey of the Adopted Self by Betty Jean Lifton, www.cubirthparents.org/booklet.pdf , www.motherhelp.info , to read primal wound by nancy verrier, visit adoptee blogs, lots of them. Read unlearning adoption and see what an industry in america it has become and decide if you really want you and your child becoming a part of it. Also learn about how this will effect your already born child. That they too, can get separation and abandonment issues from seeing their mommy surrender their sibling. To enjoy your pregnancy and don't make an adoption plan which is permanent if your problem is temporary. Visit www.origins.org and see what mothers who have surrendered go through. And know, that the BEST thing, my mother could have done for me, even though she was dirt poor, would have been to make it work, and keep me. That adoption is a permanent solution to a temporarty problem. You don't know where you'll be in 5 years, you could then be able to provide everything you ever wanted for your two children, you don't need to leave one behind.

I also urge you NOT to make an adoption plan until you have tried parenting both children for a while. do NOT bring her to the appointments, do NOT accept help from her through pregnancy because then you'll have a sense of obligation and what if you change your mind and decide to keep your baby? Give you and your baby a chance to be together with no obligation or strings attached to adoption.

Answer 7

I truly think that you need to take a breath here. Not that I disagree with your option, however, a lot of things are going to be changing for you in the next 8 months.  If this is your plan, keep it to yourself. It is difficult enough for an adoptive couple to wait the usual 1-2 months for a birth (most birthmothers make their decision @ 6 months or later).  Has your acquaintance completed all of the necessary criteria for adoption? Home study etc.,? If  not, they need to start now.  I would also recommend that you obtain some birth parent counseling, the couselors will help you put things in true perspective, and help "you" with your decision, so that by the time you are ready to make it, you are well prepared mentally.

Answer 8

I'd wait till after the baby has been moving around in you for a few months before trying to convince her that you're going to adopt out the child.

Answer 9

There is no way you can fully reassure her at this point.  You may go through many ups and downs during the pregnancy, and may decide to parent or place depending on what month it is.  Don't box yourself in at this point, and don't offer her false hope at this point.  It is just too early.  Reserve this decision for late in the pregnancy.

Keep exploring this choice, and see what happens.  Tell her there is no way you can reassure her now becasue you need time. But that you would like to keep the possibility of placing with her open.

To promise her anything at this point would not be fair to her, or to you.

In terms of what to do next?  Counseling through a mental health provider, or through an adoption agency would be helpful to you.  If you wanted to go through the agency for the adoption, so they can do all the legal work for you both, then you can ask them about an "Identified Adoption".  That means that you have identified an adoptive parent already (your friend), but that you want the adoption agency to handle everything.  She will have to pay a reduced adoption fee to the agency.

Otherwise, she will have to go through an attorney on her own.  She will also need a homestudy, like any adoptive parent, and will have to pass all the background checks, etc.

The challenges you will face?  Deciding what is best for the baby, deciding who you want to parent the baby and what kind of contact you want afterwards.  In terms of a friend parenting the baby, there are special challenges.  Some birthmothers say that they don't want the baby to be too close, so they are always looking over their shoulder.  Others may want that closeness. Some may have a difficult time watching their child be parented by another parent, rather than hearing about it and seeing photos.

I hope this helps!  Good luck to you.

Answer 10

I read your post and NEED you to know that I am proud for you for making this type of decision. You must remain strong and keep your chin up. You are the one carrying the child and will experience many emotions. You are providing that baby with a GREAT LIFE. This is a huge decision on your part and you have admitted it to all of us. So proud that you did this. You will be fine and have a wonderful future ahead of you. Thank you for sharing your story and stay strong............You are blessed and you will be able to have a baby in the future that you will be able to LOVE and nuture............God Bless

Answer 11

I am a mother of a son through adoption. I was chosen 3 times before one mother did not change her mind. It was hard. You can not sign anything until after the birth, 48 to 72 hours.  I would bring it up again when you have your next Dr appt and ask her to go along. The birth mother did that for me and it meant a lot. She even let me be in the delivery room for the birth.  You or she will need to contact a lawyer who handles adoptions and see what requirements she needs to full fill for your state. Good luck and your in my prayers

Answer 12

First of all props to you for such a hard decision. I think once you start the proceedings for the adoption she will become less worried that you are going to change your mind. I recommend contacting the local hospital and seaking to a social worker, they will be ablr to help guide you in the right direction for the adoption.

Answer 13

i am was in your situation all i can say is first this is one of the hardest and bravest decisions anyone can make second look deep in your heart and look at your situation can you manage 2 children do u have a partner what about your 2 year old how do you cope with him/her can you live comfortablely with your decision

after you have answered all those questions honestly talk to your doctor about it cause they can get the ball rolling counselling etc also talk to the hospitial social worker be as honest with them as you can do not hold back with how you truely feel they have experience in these matters and will not hold it against you you also have to speak to friends and family and also social services wil become involved in a support capacity they do not want to take your 2 year old away i promise social services will do a family and friends assessment on your friend with both your and their permission it means you can have details of your friend that she might not want to share with u or anybodyh else as it is very detailed and very intrusive to your friend that should take about 3 to 4 months to complete

in that time your child will be at your request with foster carers you have untill the child is 5 weeks old to change your mind and do not feel bad about your final decision you are doing this out of love for your children it will be hard and very emotionial and stressful but you need to be comfortable before you can procede with the rest

your next step is court which is scary to say weather or not you contest your friend adopting your child or not that is scary but judges are usually sympathetic to these situations you both will need legal advice from now onwards and you will both need counselling as this is a life changeing decision for everyone involved

good luck and i do hope it turns out ok and if you do change your mind so be it the child is your at the end of the day and you and only you are this childs mother so you and only you can make this decision and it is hard signing over consent after that initial 6 week period believe me its one of the hardest and scariest things you will ever do but do not be pushed into this as its not a decision to be taken lightly

Answer 14

This has to be hard for all involved. I would suggest maybe talking to a lawyer.  They can draw up papers that state exactly what is to be done and then a judge will sign it.  You will probably have to go to court to do so.

I hope your friend is a good person, I am not saying she's not.  I was adopted by two horrible person who basically used me to torture me.  Make sure she's the right one.  Please don't be offended, I do not mean to be offensive.  I am just thinking of the baby.  But you will be doing your friend a great thing.  You are giving your friend and hopefully your baby the gift of love.  There's no greater gift than that!

Good luck to you!

Answer 15

Hi!  I have a 4 year old daughter and when she was 2 I got pregnant and gave my second child up for adoption.  I ended up finding the family after I gave birth, but they are my closest friends now.

What your friend should do is consult with an attorney now and sort through her options.  But, due to laws that are in place for birthmothers, there is no way to assure her.  You cannot be pressured to give your child up.

You should have her pay all of your expenses while you are pregnant and until 6 weeks after you give birth.  That is the norm and what any adoption agency would have their families do for the birthmother.  Don't sell yourself short by not allowing her to pay for all your expenses (rent, living, medical, etc.)

I hope everything works out and I wish you the best of luck!  God Bless you and feel free to email me if you have any more questions.

Answer 16

This is hard to answer.  I have a 3 year old that I adopted as a new born.  He is an angel and the love of my life. But my husband and I were supposed to adopted a baby a few months prior to my sons birth.  The girl that we were supposed to adopt from was so sure that she was doing the right thing, but once the baby was born, she changed her mind.  I think you really need to prepare for the heartache.  The agency we went through offers free counseling for birthmothers.  Check them out.

http://www.adoptionhelp.org/

Answer 17

I have a question. why are you giving your baby up, if you already have a kid? Adoption is a huge deal. Maybe just ask your friend to be a temporary gaurdian for your child, while you pull your life together. Call an attorney that specializes in open adoptions.

Answer 18

I personally would give it a few more weeks before bringing it up again.  You have plenty of time to take care of the paperwork and  whatever else she may need to purchase.  It will also give you a couple of weeks you and her both to confirm this is what you both want.

Whatever your decision is, I applaude you for making a decision for life.  You could have taken the sad road, but you are putting your baby first.  Thank you!

(I would also make it clear to them that the baby returns to you if something happens to them.  They may be okay with an open adoption now, but her grieving sister may not be. Make sure this is irrevocable...means you have to okay it should they ever, ever want to change it.)

Answer 19

You should contact an attorney to make sure that everything is done and done correctly so nothing will happen to make things fall through.

Is this person open to adopting the baby and is just fearful of getting her heart broken?  If so, I would say that her fear is normal & natural & you shouldn't be offended by it.  It's a tough choice to make an adoption plan & I think adoptive parents always have a nagging fear that something will go wrong even until the finalization happens.

If she's open to adopting the baby, see if she will accompany you to the lawyer (not the initial visit because you & the lawyer will probably be ironing out details & he'll/she'll be making sure that this is truly what you want.  It might be good to have her join you on another appointment with the attorney where he/she can alleviate her fears and concerns and talk over details.

You can decide how open you want the adoption to be (if you are certain you want this particular adoptive mother, though, you'll need to get her buy-in on it, too).  You can have frequent contact with the baby, no contact or somewhere in between.  Your lawyer can help you both work out those details.

You've made a very important and difficult decision.  May God bless you as you carry this baby to term and beyond that.  It takes an incredible person to create an adoption plan for their child.

Answer 20

Thank you for doing the right thing for your child.  Most people these days think more about themselves and their own emotions and not what's truly best for the baby (i.e. "I could never give my baby up!")

I definitely would get a lawyer or social worker involved.  In order for this adoption to legally take place, that must happen.  

Think long and hard about whether or not you want this baby to be adopted by a "close acquaintance" as you stated in your post.  This may prove to be extremely difficult for both of you once the baby is born and handed over to her.  Emotions will be running high and things can change.

As an adoptee, I can tell you that I'm glad my adoption was a closed one.  My parents are wonderful, I've had a great life thus far, and I think that if my adoption was open, there would have been a lot of confusion, hurt feelings, mixed emotions, etc.  I know who my REAL parents are - they are the 2 people that adopted me 33 years ago.

Again, thank you for making this decision for your unborn baby.  People like you are few and far between.

Answer 21

I would either consult an attorney who deals with adoption or go through an adoption agency. Both will have experience and know what to do legally and in other ways. You will probably have to wait until after the baby is born to sign the papers and there is probably a waiting period for it to go through, but the attorney and/or agency can explain all of this to both you and your friend. Even though it is your friend, I would still consult a professional in order to make sure everything is accurate and legal.