I have edited, re-written a bit. Is it any better now?

Question

The last was written right here and posted, now with comments and edits taken into consideration I have come up with this. Does it read better?

Urban Explorer

There is another world around us

secrets lurking in every brick wall

down every dark forsaken alley,

hidden truths left crying out:

feel me, see me, uncover me!

Battered architecture, mistreated

eternal destruction their fate, soon forgotten.

Crumbled memories atop urban land,

will the spirits live when nothing stands?

How many dreams were dreamt

beside this window, now glassless and cold?

Stories dance on perishing floors

never told, yet living and breathing

inside those minds that imagine.

Live to wonder, discover, and find,

how much waits to be found?

Answer 1

Sher,

Getting closer here. I would echo Elaine's comments and add that revision, and more revision is what is usually needed. I like the changes you've made. I would now turn your attention to line breaks...look for layered meaning and interesting choices.

Examples:

S2 L1-2: consider moving "eternal" up a line. Notice how it interacts with destruction now.

S3: L2-3: Consider cutting the "and" in L2 and starting L3 with "cold".

These type of interactions can make the lines become more interesting. It's something to always think about with free verse.

Just a couple more thoughts for you...again if you like the lines as they are don't change them on my account...more a thinking exercise again.

Best,

Todd

(oh and I have a few open questions of early drafts too--so feel free to critique anything of mine if you want--the good, the bad, and the ugly--I'm certainly not perfect in what I write--so please give these comments the weight of one writer speaking with another one...nothing more)

Answer 2

I copied and pasted both and compared them, because I really liked your first version especially the 2nd and 3rd verses...and I couldn't see why amendment was needed.

However, I do think the second version has clarified some things, and helped the rhythm, too.

I'm glad I've got the chance to say 'I love this poem' - it has stimulated me to think about the buildings around me....forlorn and neglected....with blinded windows from casually tossed stones.....thanks.

Answer 3

I read both your previous posts and commented about Philly. It is a great city containing two universities known worldwide and several others on its periphery.  West Philly needs a thorough cleanup, among other sections of the city.

As to the poem: the problem for poets is to make every word count.  If any word you use does not add to the poem's power or meaning, find another or delete it entirely. This is done by revising and editing several times, reading the poem aloud to see if the heartbeat is too irregular and then letting it simmer overnight. You are striving to make your poetry a work of art; art takes time, effort, knowledge and experience.  I have confidence that you will eventually attain the goals you have set for yourself.  This poem is an example of that effort.

Answer 4

I believe this is completely finished.. absolutely perfect.

however....  I wonder about" live to wonder"  could it be "we live to wonder " etc...... or "we live to wander" etc......?

because if the first line begins with "world around us" , a "we "at the end may  give "us " a lingering, wondering, wandering  possibility.....  and then again, I may be being too picky...  this poem does not need more.  

I did not read the other, I do not think I did and I do not want to. I think this is just fine, ignites all the right cerebral fires. and emotional responses.  good job .

Answer 5

Hey made a few suggestions take a look  on the first two stanza's the last stanza is missing something not sure what. hope this helps

There is another world around us

secrets lurking in every brick wall

down every dark forsaken alley

in every trash laden hall

hidden truths left crying out:

feel me, see me, uncover me they shout!

Battered architecture mistreated

eternal destruction their fate,

soon forgotten they have been depleted

Crumbled memories atop the urban plate,

will the spirits live when nothing stands?

Is their any memory left of the builder’s hands

Answer 6

Honestly, I don't see anything wrong with this, except maybe for the fact that it makes me feel inferior, which is a good thing. Honestly, the poeticaly descriptive language made me feel like I was standing on a cobblestone street, looking in thorugh a frost tinted window at still lives that once held such vibrancy for their creator, who cannot now explain their vision to the world. The faint smell of cigar smoke...a sepia toned photo...man, all these images waiting to be found. I go now to search. Thanks, sher.

Answer 7

I have taken the liberty of editing your version to give you another example of a way of laying out the poem.  Is it better than yours? No. Just a different rendition.  To me I sound the words out loud as I write to help with meter.

Urban Explorer

There’s another world here around

with secrets lurking in ancient bricks

while down every darkened  lane,

hidden truths secretly cry:

”feel me, see me... find me!”

Battered architecture, long mistreated

waiting destruction, is soon forgotten.

as crumbled memories atop urban land.

Will the spirits live when nothing stands?

How many dreams were dreamed

beside these windows, now glassless cold?

Stories dance on fleeting floors

never told, yet living... breathing

inside minds that wonder.

Live to ponder, discover... find,

how much waits to be found?

Answer 8

I read your last post on your poem and see the differences you made on this recent one, and yes it is much better, not that the other one was bad, this one does read better!

Would also like to comment on the oracle's help, really did think he also did a great job on improvising what you did, and probably would consider some of his changes!

This is your poem and it is up to you, your a very talented writer, been reading your poetry lately! Nice work!!

Answer 9

"Hi"

Quiet honestly I liked the first and the second.

Ive just cheeked both versions out, it does seem this new one does flow better.

WELL DONE! : )

Answer 10

I don't know Sher, I kind of liked the first one better.