I have had a lot of people assume I must feel as if I was "dumped" by my bio-mom, does this annoy others?

Question

Lately I have had a lot of people say stuff like, "You must feel like you were dumped by your biological mom" and "It must be awful knowing you were unwanted." and a lot of comments like that.

I was always wanted... or else I wouldn't have been adopted lol. I don't feel like I was dumped, just that my bio-mom didn't feel equipped to deal with a child at that time in her life. And yeah I have had abandonment issues, but I think 99% of adoptees do, and once they identify them, they can work through them.

Anyone else get annoyed by people assuming we as adoptees all feel neglected, unwanted and dumped? I realize some people do, but COME ON, some of us don't grrr.

Maybe I should have asked the above question once I was less annoyed lol.

Answer 1

(Dang, the stuff people think it's OK to say to adoptees...!)

I have come to accept that part of being adopted means I will spend the rest of my life educating others.  It's annoying when people say ignorant things, but it's also an opportunity for me to explain how I really DO feel.

Most people aren't adopted, but most people do have a relative or close friend who is adopted.  I'm afraid it's up to us to enlighten them--not because any one of use has all the answers, but because we're the only ones who know how it feels to be adopted.      

Some feel abandoned, some don't--just like some women want to be homemakers and some don't, some men enjoy fixing cars and some don't.  When we're all recognized as individuals, instead of each adoptee having to be a kind of representative of all adoptees, then a great deal of the educational work will be done.

Answer 2

You just have to overlook people at times. Sometimes people don't know what to say out their mouths and when they do say something it comes out all WRONG. I'm not adopted but i have a few friends that are and i see what they go threw 24/7. One of my good friends who is adopted is black and his adoptive parents are white. So you can just imagine what he had to go threw when he was growing up. Some of the stories he told me about what people sometimes said or did made me so angry. But he took it well and he says it hurt back then but he could care less what people say now.  Just remember Its better to have a loving family than to have no family at all.

Answer 3

I recently found the daughter I adopted out.  She said she has a loving family and always felt wanted but was glad I found her.  We visit via email and phone.  Both of us enjoy learning about each other.  She says frequently "now I know where I got that from". She did not feel dumped, she feels very loved by her parents but does says she always wondered what her mother was like.  I think these feelings of wonder are normal. Most of us bio parents gave our children up so they could have a better life.  Why should a child suffer when they could have a better life? Even if a person was not adopted they can still have abandonment issues. I am 55 and still have them. LOL

Answer 4

i feel the same way but you have to allow people their voice. many of us do not feel dumped, unwanted, abandoned or unloved. but for every one of us there is a counter part that does feel that way. its unfortunate, but a fact of life.

adoption stirs many emotions in people, even ones not touched by it. many condemn the birthmother, pity the child, bash the adoptive parents, whatever the case may be. they feel these things because they dont understand because they have no experience or they do have the experience and it was not a happy one.

no one is wrong here, they tell about what they know, and so do people like you and i. the only thing wrong is them trying to tell us we should feel like them or us telling them they should be feeling like us. we cant dictate to someone else how they should feel about their own personal experience.

try not to let them get to you, i know it can be hard, but your opinion is not the only one, a little undestanding and respect could go a long way.

Answer 5

hey i know what you mean. i was addopted to and i know that it was for reasons beyond my control. my mother was an alcholoc and abused me and my brother. so due to the circumstances my parents had to give us up. i have recently learned that she is clean and sober now. although they arn't interested in seeing me, i understand why they did what they did. it was not because they didn't want you, it was, like you said, that she wasn't equipped to deal with a child at the time.

Answer 6

I have felt hurt and frustrated by comments like that, too.

The majority of women who give children up for adoption very much want their children.  They just do not have the resources (money, employment, family support, etc.) to make keeping their children a viable option

A great book that really opened my eyes to this issue was this:

http://www.amazon.com/Girls-Who-Went-Awa...

I would let these people know just how rude and hurtful comments like that are.  I'd say, "Gosh, that's a rude thing to say."

Answer 7

i was adopted and recently found out that i was born out of incest, iam not ashamed of being adopted, look at it this way you were picked by your adopted parents. So be proud to be adopted... I know i am

Answer 8

I was born in Dec. 1969 and adopted in Feb. 1970, and I too get pissed when people assume I feel abandoned. Just because a person gives birth to you does not make them a parent. The couple who had me were in high school and they have never been referred to as my "biological parents", it has always been the woman who had me and the man who got her pregnant. Nor, have I ever harbored bad feelings towards them.

  

It also bugs me that people automatically assume I want to look for them. Why? For me personally it is enough to know that every birthday and holiday someone is thinking of me. Plus, what if they are married to other people and have never told them? I don't think I could turn someones world inside out that way. Giving me up was the hardest thing they probably ever had to do. Do I really want to bring that all to the surface again???

Bottom line is some people are just ignorant, some are curious and some are just...... I don't mind addressing questions about it. I am secure and happy. My parents are awesome and love me. Isn't that what's important adopted or not?

Answer 9

Wow. I must have the most wonderful adoptive parents in the world! I will tell you why!!! Some idiot said that to me and my adopted mom jumped all over them. She said"never say that to my daughter again.! Her birth mother made a diffcult choice, it was not done lightly! Never put down her birth mother in that way." My adoptive parents have always respected my birth mother and tried to instill in my respect for her. It has taken a long time, but i'm starting the healing process.

Answer 10

Yes I know exactly what you mean.

My son is three years old and was given up for adoption by his Polish/Catholic mother because she was 16, and completley unable to cope with the responsibility of a child - and abortion was completley out of the question.  She selflessly went through the pregnancy and adoption procedure for the best for her son and to offer him a wonderful chance with a new family.   I admire her from the bottom of my heart and if my son ever feels unwanted or dumped by his bio-mommy I will make it totally clear to him that she was the most wonderful person out there to do what she did for him and that it is the proof of how much she loved him, by doing what she did.

Answer 11

I admit I've never had anyone say something that insensitive to me, and I can't imagine how I'd reply if someone did.

Does that person think it's a walk in the park for a woman to carry a baby for nine months, then give it to another family to raise?  And do they know what's involved in adopting a child (home studies, government bureaucracy, lots of money, a ton of travel time if your parents adopted you from outside their country)?  On the contrary...if your parents were willing to go through all that to get you, then I'd say you were pretty bloody wanted!

Answer 12

i don't get annoyed with the people that think those things, because it's common. however, i do have a problem with people who are ignorant and careless enough to let those statements come out of their mouth.

Answer 13

I too am annoyed that people are so ignorant as to assume my Mother didn't want me. She was forced into placing me. I feel no need to go into details here, I prefer not having random strangers pick apart such a sensitive part of my life.

Coercion happens, women are forced into choices they would rather not make. Women make choices based on what they think to be the best option at the time. How many people can say that they don't regret anything they have done? Not all natural mothers were coerced, I am well aware of that. I speak only of my own life and the situation leading to my personal adoption.

I also get annoyed that people assume all adoptees feel as though they were thrown out with the bathwater. I feel no ill will towards any of my parents, all four of them have made the best out of what they chose. I love and cherish the bonds I have with all of my parental units, without them I couldn't be the person I am.

Answer 14

I used to feel like that.  Because of the absence of ANY  information when I was a child I took it upon myself that I was not wanted and that there must have been some reason, like I was a bad baby or something

It didn't help when friends and peers say 'your mom didn't want you'

Even though my parents loved and wanted me very much and I had a great upbringing - the underlying feeling of feeling somehow inferior and unloveable didn't fade away

At the age of 36 and obtaining a little more information as to the facts and circumstances that led to the adoption has put things in perspective for me - too late.  This is why honesty and openness in adoption is key.

I'm glad you never felt the way I did, I'm happy for you.  I'm glad your self-esteem was not damaged the way mine was.  It wasn't anyone's fault, not my mothers, not my parents and not mine.  It just happens and everyone is different

Jovi - you want to teach your child that those who love you, leave you?  lots of adoptees get told their mothers loved them so much and leaving them was done out of love.  Kids don't understand this!  How can someone who loves you so much leave you?  It's easy for us to see with adult perspective but really try to see that from a child's point of view KWIM?