I have had some advice....any comments?

Question

Upon waking

I didnt reach out for you.

Yawned, stretched

like a cat

breathed, stared at the ceiling.

Alive.

by jonni f

Answer 1

Alive... Nothing else needs to be said. You said it wonderfully.

Answer 2

I liked it... I'm not sure who "you" is but it seemed like "death" to me... you didn't "curl up and die", you did the opposite. .Much said, in a few lines. bravo, bravo.

Answer 3

Hello Jonni,

I love saying a lot in a few words. I think you have a good central image (cat). I also think you build some tension with the first two lines. The lines that I'd like to see you work on (if you want to) are L5-6. Here's why:

There is an implicit promise you are making to the reader in L1-2 and I think it deserves some resolution. I don't feel that the last two lines give us that. You use an image of a cat. A cat is independent and doesn't need to reach out to anyone. I think L5 needs to do more for you than its doing. These actions are not necessarily catlike, and you may need to think about how to convey alive and independent more, or something like that. I don't want to go to analytical, and I'm not asking you to telegraph anything. Your tone is good. I like where it's going, I just would like a little more punch at the end.

I hope the feedback is helpful to you in some way. If it isn't please ignore it.

Answer 4

Contemplation of the day or of the life or of the soul?  And your next move?  Nicely penned.

Answer 5

It's okay but pretty boring. Try more powerful words. People see what you say when you write it they picture it. A cat stretching is boring. But a boom with a bomb is great. Get what I'm saying try to see what you say and see how good it is in your mind first add to it and take away boring parts.

Answer 6

Good imagery.   "I didn't reach out for you" is a very strong line.

I hope you will keep posting.

Answer 7

very nice. love the cat idea...