I have issues with private/independant adoptions? Can I get your views on it?

Question

I'm not trying to attack people. I would like to see your side of things. My agency provided my son's birth mom with housing, transportation, counseling etc..They also took her to church every Sunday which I thought was great (if your not into to church then don't worry about this part). My son was put up for adoption 6 months ago and they are still helping her out in many areas. Another example. At first my son's birthmom did not want to even see my son. After he was born, it went from not wanting to seeing him at all, but wanting to spend alone time with him. Naturally, as selfish as it is, this was very hard on me. Many things start going through your head. You already feel like the baby is yours so you can get very possesive. My agency was there to step in and help me to realize that it was ok. The agency can help you see past your own selfishness. They are an advocate for the birthmom. They can also be there if she changes her mind. Who is there for her in a private adoption?

Answer 1

It should be illegal.  They are not regulated and ethical practises are not enforced

I now live in the UK.  Private adoption is illegal.

I believe the same is true in Australia

In the USA the incentive to separate a mother and child when it is not absolutely necessary are blatant for all to see.  Unfortunately people just don't care

Answer 2

I'm glad you had such a good experience with your agency.

We did a directed agency adoption, and had an awful time.  The agency had issues with the amount of contact our son's mom had with us, tried to insist that we could only exchange letters and pictures through them, gave her NO post placement support, and basically told her that because she had chosen a directed placement, instead of picking one of "their" families, that she deserved no support whatsoever.

They were over two hours late to her termination, and never called to explain that to us, much less to her, filed paperwork late, refused to help her find a lawyer... all in all, it was hellish.

Not to mention that when we tried to give them a check for the entire amount of the adoption, they refused it, and then tried to "repossess" our son when we finally got home, because a payment check to them was 24 hours late.

If we had done a private adoption, we would have paid for her to see a counselor, arranged support for her within her church, pretty much done what the AGENCY was supposed to have done for her.

Answer 3

i dont know but someone should be looking out for you too after all you are just as important.

Answer 4

Oh, I agree.  I think private/independent adoptions should be illegal.  Most (note I am not saying all) adoption agencies are lax in services and particularly in screening adoptive parents.  That's bad enough.  Private/independent adoptions provide NONE of these things.  

I wonder if you have any idea how fortunate you are with this agency.  This is extremely rare even with 'legit' agencies.  That is not to say I am in complete agreement with their practices, but they are apparently BY FAR the lesser of countless evils.

Private/independent adoption is a scourge.  Really.  There ought to be a law.

Answer 5

As much as I loath the propaganda put out by many adoption agencies to recruit "birth" parents, not to mention the coercive practices that some use to force relinquishment, private adoptions are even worse.  Private adoptions completely circumvent counseling and services for both the adoptive parents and expectant parents.  Also, the screening is less stringent, increasing the chances that the child will surrendered to an unsupportive (or even abusive) adoptive family.  It increases the chances the adoptee will never know their family of origin.

It was not until I started reading questions on YA that I realized that some people use private adoption to do adoption on "the cheap".  And who loses?  The adoptee!!

Before you all start jumping on me - please note that I said SOME agencies - not all.  I read an article that stated that there are about 10 ethical agencies in the US.  Ethical agencies put the adoptee first - always.  Meaning that they don't give them c**p about getting their records and don't charge them $$$$s to get their own information.

Answer 6

Do you think the possiblity of the agency staying in such close "contact" with the firstmom could possibly be because they want to "assure" that the "transaction" happens. Would the agency have given her all of this if she decided to parent at the last minute? Would the agency still have been there for her? Would they still provide her housing, transportation, counseling, etc.

As one who has seen these agencies in action, from the moment of inquiry to their services you are hounded by them. Go ahead, call them, pretend to be pregnant, ask for them to send you something in the mail, give them your phone number, see how much they call you. This is how it all begins. This is the first step to though coersion in the industry. They write it off as "support" but really, its years of development of "tactics" they've almost mastered to get babies, to supply, the demand.

An advocate for the firstmother would be to help her see the possibilty of keeping and raising her child, for the sake of the baby.

Nobody is there for her in an agency or private adoption. Thats my answer. Nobody. Because all other parties have alterior motives....

We all know that loss of a mother onto an infant is damaging. Thats not the argument right? So if you can accept that, then the best possible solution would be to make it work for mother and child. That would be where the focus would lie. Keeping mother and child together to prevent the initial damage of loss onto the infant as well as mother.

I realize that some mothers shouldn't parent, but they are in the far minority compared to the degree of mothers who have lost their children to adoption.

How is it supportive to only give these things to women who are going to surrender?

If they were an advocate for the mother, they would have told you about the offensiveness of using "birth" terms. But I see you're still using birth-mother as reference to her.

I think that the agencies play all parties. The first parents, the adoptive parents and the adoptee.  They make themselves look "supportive" to the firstmom, ( look how well it worked) and appear to be helping everyone out..they MUST be doing their job!

Sigh......

They're the middle man, they sign a bunch of silly papers, falsify a few documents and charge you well over ten grand in the process. Then 18 years later they catch us, the adoptees on the other end and toss us around as well. Make us pay a thousand or so, and dangle our records infront of us like a carrot to a rabbit.

Well, thats my opinion take it or leave it.

Answer 7

Just because you do an adoption privately doesn't mean that you cant provide these thingt to her through and agency or an attorney. Also in my state (which isn't really florida) it is illegal for ANYONE including an agency to provide or pay for ANYTHING boyond the birth expences. I couldn't pay for her attorney living expences. All I could pay for was counceling. But should it be legal, The agency could facilitate the exchange. There was a spot on the paperwork that asked what we were willing to pay for. We check everything, but they told us that that was just part of that standard paperwork and what we were willing to pay for and what we were aloud to pay for were 2 different things.

I feel that a negative to agency adoption is that it feels so concrete long before the baby is born. I'm sure that women who usa an agency feel like they don't was to diasapoint "al those people" and feel like they waisted their time, therefore be lss likely to change their minds. Now that sounds good the PAPs but if it's not in the mothers heart to do, IT'S NOT RIGHT.

A negative to private adoptions is that PAPs really open themselves to scams. Also agencies exactly thrilled to work with people who do private adoptions and sometimes thing "take a lot of time". Private adoption requirements kinda take a to the back-burner. Our son was 18 months when it was finalized. Any time we had a question we had to pay for a min. of 15 min of consulting which is something that is normally included in the placement fee.

----------------------------edit

Okay... the screening is the SAME across the board. We had to have counceling and many backgound checks, financial stability, physicals (my 2 year old too) references (about 10) all who were interviewed, we had to follow the law just like anyone else. Also the b-mom HAD to get counceling. even if she just wanted to go there and stare the wall, she still had to go BY LAW.  

The ONLY thing the agency didn't do is match us. they did the rest as required by LAW.

I'm very happy with our choice to keep it private, 'cause I KNOW in my heart that ***** made the decision herself and was confident in her decision. She didn't have anyone pushing her. She was able to "inteview us" long before we ever knew that she was planning to place him, so she got honest answeres about us. Of course I didn't know I was being interviewed so I was just myself. I've read so may "dear b-parent letters" and everyone seems to be "selling" themselves and so fake.

----------------k another edit

Our adoption was private, but NOT CHEAP!

it was about $50,000 and that included.

home visits

home inspections and safety consulting/repair

classes(parenting, cpr/first aid, caring for special needs child)

court costs

attroney fees

birth expences

Baby expences prior to placement

B-parent counceling

background checkes

travel expences