Question:

I have lied to my husband about finances for most of our 17 yr marrage?

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I just really have a hard time talking to him, I love him and he is a great dad, but he has anger problems, and the least little thing sets him off. Like if he doesn't have money in his wallet, then he is a bear to deal with, so I have not paid somethings, so he has money, or if the kids need something I will put something off. See where I am going with this. I have put on weight and he grips and puts me down. I have curl course hair so the weather is a factor in keeping it fixed, he has a problem. I know that if I had not ever lied about any money problems, He might not be so down grading of me. But I don't know how to change myself.

signed HELP!!!!!!!!!!!

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31 ANSWERS


  1. Take on a part time job and tell hubby it's because you want to earn enough money to join a gym and work on yourself.


  2. You know everyone is going to tell you that you need to change for yourself and not him. If you are happy with yourself then that's all that matters... sure you are married and you need to compromise here and there but you can't change who you are for HIM... that's absurd!

    So in summery, if you try to change for him you will fail.

  3. i'm so sorry for what has happend

    god has forgivin u maybe he will too u need to be preying right now



  4. Jenny Craig or Weight Watchers

  5. Sorry ruby, you are wrong!

    His problem is with his distrust of you. You have basically cheated on him it's just with money and not another man. You have lied been deceptive and I am sure he has trusted you and you have snuck around and used up you guys money on a bunch of sill chit at Target and Walmart. This is why he's angry. He is no different than a angry woman who has found out her husband is cheating on her, she is not nice and I am sure she is degrading of her husband.

  6. my wife and i have gone through somthing similar.  men arnt as dumb as they act or look at least most.  I knew  my wife was lying about ssomethingjust ddidn'tknow what witch caused me to be distant or over react on little things.  I found out what she was lying over and its not that big of a deal.  You have to communicate to make a marriage work.  try talking to him.  The way he probably see's it is you lied about this for 17 yrs what else have you lied about???thats how i saw it with my wife.

    Your trying to justify lying by the way he puts you down.  and vise versa for him.  2 wrongs dont make a right.  being bendictive in a marriage is setting yourself up for failure.

  7. I have been married almost seven years now.  My husband and I struggle with money all the time.  Mostly because he was always in debt and he spends more than he makes.  The last year or two my husband and I have had several problems and it got to the point where I wanted to throw him out, and sometimes I still think I should have.  One of the best things we have done was marriage counseling.  My husband had my son and I walking on egg shells every single day, and he was only two and going onto three.  He doesn't have patience for much and he's difficult to talk to.  I don't stand up for myself and I let him walk all over me.  But I had enough.  I first started going to counseling for myself.  I had and will always have issues with my life, but that' got me in the right direction.  It was suggested that I go to marriage counseling and I did.  I was glad because I'm learning to voice my opinions out and it helped.  Also, if you can't talk to him, write him a letter voicing what you need to say.   You can fine tune it over and over again until it's perfect and you don't have to worry as much about what it says without getting into a huge fight and saying things you may regret.  

    Give it a try.  I hope it works.  By the way, if he's putting you down on your looks, he isn't that great of a husband and a bad example of a father.  Trust me.  I know.  My Dad was that way sometimes putting my mother down, and he always put me down.  Do what's best.  Good luck.

  8. You know, there comes a point in life where we realize we are worth more than what we feel we have been valued by ourselves and others.  Over the years you have devalued yourself in your own eyes and put everyone else first.  Now you are realizing this course of action has not given you the sense of self worth and the life you desire.  Change is never easy but it is doable.  You just have to be committed to it and believe that you are worthy of change.  In your case the biggest issue is going to be dealing with your husbands anger problems.  He needs to realize he has a problem and that this problem needs to be dealt with because you aren't going to continue to put up with it and have him continue to down grade your worth.  If you are going to be in control of finances you have to make it clear to everyone that the rules are changing and that paying the bills now comes first in your household before everyone's personal needs.  You need to make the family sit down and decide what is important and what the priorities are so it is clear to everyone.  Remember, change is hard but this change is for the betterment of you as a person.  Good luck...

  9. His problem is with you not the money.  How is him putting you down related to the money in his wallet?  

  10. Your making your children sacrifice their needs so that your husband has money to play with?? I think that you need to find a financial councilor for your money problems and an anger management councilor for your husband.  

  11. OK... your not a Stepford wife... and you shouldn't lie anymore, you should tell your husband to go to anger management. If he goes berserk for such tiny details like not having money in his wallet and becomes a "bear" as you said then he needs help. You also need help because putting your husband before your children isn't that nice. And you lying about the finances doesn't make things any different, he still would have been angry and i suggest you tell him now and not wait any longer (the longer you wait, the worst it gets).

                                                                                Love, Nicole ♥

  12. Oh, honey - you gotta tell him!  I speak from experience.  I had "borrowed from Peter to pay Paul" for a couple years and finally came clean.  He saw that we had money (by way of juggling payments) so he thought it was okay to spend it.  I kept thinking I could fix it and he'd never know.  Took a night job waitressing at a club, but he saw the extra money and kept spending (for us & the house, not on himself).

    When he wanted to buy a new car, I couldn't let him embarrass himself by actually applying for a loan and getting rejected because of our credit, so I sat a wrote him a 7 page letter and explained the money issue, but I also explained WHY I hid it from him...  Rather than partnering with him to find a solution that would work for us, I, like you, was trying to protect him - from being angry and stressed out.  I was trying to protect myself from having to listen to him complain about money issues.  By the time that I wrote the note, I was so scared to tell him, but I didn't want him to suffer the embarrassment and I knew I couldn't do it alone any more.

    Well - I got home from working at the club and thought I'd find all my stuff on the sidewalk.  Instead, he curled up to me in bed (use your imagination) and the next morning, he asked if I could make an appointment for us to meet a bankruptcy lawyer.  Its been 9 years since then and we do finances together and we've never gotten ourselves in a hole again.  Communication and honesty, from both parties, is the key here.

    As for the weight thing, we went through a couple seriously terrible years because of that (me getting heavy) and it coincided with the finance difficulty.  I've found, through experience, that if there's unhappiness on the attraction side of things, other things (such as finances) seem bigger than they really are.  If there is unhappiness on the financial side of things, then concentration seems to focus on the attraction side as well.  Don't know why they're connected, but they are.  And if there's dissatisfaction with BOTH finances and attraction, then they're very stressed and angry and not sure how to express themselves - mine tends to become very critical and judgmental, and I tend to become very reactive to things he says and does.  A very nasty circle if its not nipped in the bud.

    Really - do yourself a favor and tell him... everything!  If you keep calm and honest and acknowledge your mistakes, you'll be able to work it out.  But, remember that sometimes the other party needs a little time to cool down before they can contribute to a conversation or solution in a positive and constructive manner.

  13. His problem is with you not the money. How is him putting you down related to the money in his wallet?


  14. hi hun ' stop putting yourself down . all you have been doing is what most women do . to run the house ' and make things work . the sad thing is some guys just don't see it . he sounds a bit selfish ' if i were you and you could do it . i would be outer there in a heart beat .

  15. Woo you're in deeper shiat than yahoo answers can help you with.  Get to a marriage counselor, asap, even if he won't go with you!

  16. My Dear Sally Sue !!!

    You have been married and with your husband for almost 17 years. You must have understood him, and he must have known what you are, by this time. I think 17 years is not only sufficient to understand each other but also to adjust to the shortcomings of the other too.

    Marriage bond demands to be truthful to the companion.

    You say "but he has anger problems, and the least little thing sets him off. Like if he doesn't have money in his wallet, then he is a bear to deal with, so I have not paid somethings, so he has money, or if the kids need something I will put something off. See where I am going with this."

    Have you ever tried to understand why he has anger problems? Did you care to know what was his Date of Birth and to what SUN SIGN does he belong?

    If he belongs to a Fiery sun sign, he will definitely be like Fire.

    So we have to understand the nature of the persons and then know how to deal with them amicably and also efficiently. This makes the companionship most successful. so you did a mistake. at least now try to do this.

    Please do not lie to your husband. Don't you feel him an unfortunate person, if his wife lies with him. It should not be telling lies, but you can lie with him for making and keeping both of you  happy and keep togetherness.

    Regarding finances, please keep yourself realistic and careful to let him know what was happening. Meeting expenses at home is equally important for him as well as yourself. So don't divert the money required else where in the home, for your husband's pocket money. Rather, let him know the real things.

    Be soft and sweet like  a mother tells to her son.Understand your husband WHOM YOU LOVE AND WHO IS ALSO A GREAT DAD.

    A great Dad definitely allows expenses on his children. A loving husband can understand you. It is only your mistake, thinking that your husband gets angry, you are afraid to talk to him plainly and openly. As much as you share togetherness and happiness as a wife and husband, so much you should discuss important affairs of the home and receive the approval and sympathy from one to another.

    If you do like this , he will not only appreciate you, but also be happy with you and weigh at a higher grade.

    Best of luck my dear daughter.


  17. I just really don't understand how you have managed to stay married for 17 yrs! Listen you have to do something. You cannot let yourself go like this. That is a massive cause of low self esteem! You have to just start telling him what you need. If he cannot provide it, there is nothing wrong with getting a part time job when the kids are at school. If he has a problem with that let him know that you can handle it. it can be done I am a single mom with 4 children and work full time plus volunteer at the salvation army and my house is in order. I was married and I let myself go. He had gotten to the point where he would tell me he pays the bills and he could do what he wants. Then I told him I would leave if he continues to be disrespectful. He said nobody would want me because i was fat and ugly with 4 kids and my hair was fallin out. I'm tellin you, you have to get it together for your and your kids sake sweetie

  18. You are in an abusive marriage.  Even if he's a "great dad" and may not have abused you physically, he is abusing you emotionally.  You have given up your friends and family for your husband, and you are afraid of your husband's anger.  I don't think you would have kept financial secrets from him if he were receptive to discussing them.  I think you should call the National Domestic Violence Hotline (just talk to them about what you wrote here and see what they say).  Their number is 1-800-799-7233.

    If you take the quiz (link is below), you'll see that his behavior qualifies as abusive.

  19. Maybe he puts you down because he knows how untrustworthy you really are. Lying is pretty much a stake through the heart of a marriage and youve been doing it for 17 years. You pretty much suck

  20. Well, I'm in a similar situation, minus the weight issue. My husband doesn't really put me down, ok well unless he's really angry with me. I wouldn't say I was outright telling lies about our financial situation but I was lying my omission. I felt horrible and it was eating me up. I finally came clean and told him what the situation was like. He was upset but he just got quiet and mulled it over in his head for a day or two. I apologized for not keeping him up to date with what was going on, but I wasn't being frivolous so it was all explainable. I felt so much better not having to carry that all on my own. Set aside a time every week or two weeks and go over the bills with him, so he knows you are just spending it for no reason...that has helped us a lot! I would say go to marriage counseling...I've been looking for a good Christian counselor myself. Marriage is hard but you have to keep working at it. Good Luck!

  21. I really think you should go to a marriage counselor, but I think that might make him angry too. Maybe you love him as a friend and not as a husband? I think you should try to take some time off your marriage while you go to a counselor, or just try the counselor, but if he hurts you I think you should get a divorce because you don't want him not only hurting you but also hurting your children. It must be really scary for them hearing him yell a lot.

  22. You could be me about 16 years ago. Your story sounds like my story. I managed to get us into credit card debt to keep his wallet happy. I would use the cards to pay bills. BIG mistake. I finally had enough of it and got out of the marriage after 21 years. I'm not saying that's what you should do, but stop letting him beat you down. It takes years to get over that. Either fess up and fix it or keep lying...or get out.

  23. Well If I was you, I would continue to keep it to myself and figure out how to fix the money problem myself even if it meant selling off somethings or getting a second job.  

  24. First of all you are doing the best you can with what you know how to do at the moment....your weight gain is probably connected to the money. You now have to figure out some practical ways of dealing with this situation as it is so you don't have to continue doing what you have been doing. You are probably very nice to others & tolerant of them but hard on yourself. You husband treats you this way cause you invite it. The more you can accept yourself the less he will berate you. The more you feel secure about money the less he will fear it so much. I coach people so they can change their thoughts which then changes their lives. You have put off (waited=weighted) all this time & now the weight is showing up on your body. You are ready to let it go & you can do something. When we change ourselves the people in our life change. If you want to do coaching with me e-mail me & let me know. If you want to go to a counselor or just try to figure it out on your own you can do that but you will have to do something cause this isn't going to change until you change.

  25. If he wants money in his wallet, then HE needs to handle the finances in order to ensure that he has money.

    You don't go without paying your bills unless its going to be a choice between credit card payment and lights and food.

    You gained the weight, now lose it.

    All of these situations YOU brought upon yourself by not managing your home. Regardless of what your husband may say or do...BUSINESS FIRST.

  26. God gives us all good senses. You already know what to do. Try writing you problems on a piece of paper and write after each problem how it should be fixed.That is the correct way,like budget money needed.so you have enough at the end of month to pay the bills.Put it in Gods Hands and let God help.Your answers will come..Its up to you to execute.Have a good day.

  27. Tell him to take on a second job you have your hands full taking care of the kids and it's very expensive raising kids these days so if he wants you to lose weight and have extra money in his pocket tell him to get another job.

    Also if he has a problem with how the bills get paid tell him to pay them and see if he can make the 2 ends meet you don't need his attitude you need his help.

  28. It surprised me how much people lie to each other when they're in a marraige. Its time you let him know exactly what you have done for him because he obviously has no idea. If he puts you down, put him in his place! You don't deserve to be treated like that and I know I would never be accepting of any man that put me down. He needs a reality check, you've been with him long enough to give him  one so get to it and start being honest with your husband. Take care!

  29. You call what you have a marriage? Sounds more like living h**l.

  30. words of some one you love are a powerful thing! I have been there, after a while you believe it  100% when they put you down. of corse mine had alot to do with drinking,  Relax, and have your own opinion, Keep what you like about your self, things that might be hard to see right now but you know you have qualities you love about your self. and change the little things. as for the money sitiuation, make a valant effort and pay a big chunk, then come clean, only way to stop the snow ball effect!  

  31. Get into counseling for YOURSELF! After you feel good about yourself, ask your husband to join you.  

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