I have "fear" that my wifes baby that was adopted.....?

Question

whom is 16 1/2 now may never be told he was adopted.We know where he is now.I also know the adoptee father & him travel back & forth to Bulgaria,my fear is of them moving to Bulgaria before the birth mother(my wife)can try to make legal contact.Were all in the USA now.What would you do if in our place?Thank you.

Answer 1

Since her son is only 16, he can't do much without his legal parents' permission.  If she is concerned that waiting until he is 18 or 21 will be too late, she can contact the adoptive parents and stress that she is available to answer questions but does not want to interfere.  They may welcome the opportunity to meet her and then decide on further contact, if any.  They may threaten legal action - but if all she did was contact the parents - it's not illegal.  Most searchers recommend a phone call rather than a letter - letters run the risk of being opened by other people in the family.

Answer 2

oh my

thats awful

im sorry i have no clue

Answer 3

I agree with the answer above me.  His parents have the right to make that choice.

Answer 4

If your wife decides she wants to look for her son there are lots of web sites where she can register, but it's her decision, not yours.

If the boy is happy.... let it go.... you should be thinking about what's best for HIM.

Answer 5

It is a myth that parents who abandoned their children to adoption cannot contact their children.

I know, because I lived it. My parents found me in a very tightly closed adoption (New York State)when I was only 15.

Adopters tried to take my mother to court, there are NO special laws about parents not contacting their children! I wish this myth would die.

Answer 6

You have to wait until the child is 19, period.  This is about the child, not the whims of your wife.  You need to respect the law, and respect the child, God only knows what damage can be done.  You only have to wait 1 1/2 years more.

Answer 7

Sorry but its not your bussines if they havent told this child if he is adopted or not.  And she cant do anything leagaly about it if the adoption was closed. HE HAS TO BE 18. adoptd . I am not being rude but you cant make her do something that she is not ready for. If they go to Bulgaria before she talks to him that is there choice not yours or your wife.  If you wife knows that he lives in the same area and she wants to talk to him then it is her choice to talk to the adopted dad and see if its ok to talk to him. Yes, its sad that he wasnt told but do you know for a fact he wasnt. Maybe there is things you dont know what has been told to h im adn he doesnt want to talk to her. I mean you have think of it either way if you are not sure.So, you need to stay out of it and let her make a choice to deal with this not you. I know you are wondering what needs to be done but to be honest, it sounds like you both know that he has been living near you for awhile and you are jsut now wanting to make a matter of it. Yes,some people dont tell there kids they are adopted and some do and the child that was adopted may so hey thats great my birth mom gave me a great home and I am happy for it.

Then go and talk to the adopted dad and tell him that the kids birth mom is diable and would like to see her son. Or write a letter saying what she says. Like I said I wasnt tring to be rude just thought you were tring to do something thats all. I would either call and talk to the dad or write a letter for your wife. You may never know what will happen. And sorry for thinking the worst of ya. Hope that she can get to see him soon. Good luck to you and your wife.

Answer 8

You should ask the father's permission (in private) to let your wife contact him, but contact a lawyer first to see if this is ok to do.

Answer 9

I am sure that you know if the child is healthy and happy. That is the most important thing. If he has a wonderful life  then that would be enough. Also do you have any idea what it does to a child to find out that they were adopted. He has been raised to believe he is the natural child of these people. The emotional trauma that could be caused isn't worth her feeling better because she told him. In these cases the child becomes upset and hurt over these facts. They do not run to the birth mother and thank them for telling. Most often they hate the birth mother. If there isn't a medical or other really good reason to do this, then I would back away. He is happy has had and is having a good life. Don't destroy something someone loves because of your own needs.

I hope this has helped. It may sound mean but I promise it isn't. Just hard to word something like that and sound compassionate.

Answer 10

I find it astounding in this day and age that there are still parents keeping secrets in adoption.   Rest assured, though, that family secrets cannot be kept forever and at sometime or other, the cat will be let out of the bag and when it does, the adoptee may feel very hurt and betrayed.

I really hope that your wife's son is not the victim of a family secret and I wish you all the luck in the world in re-establishing contact in the near future.

Your wife may be interested to know that the main opposition to legislation to reinstate equal access for Adult Adoptees to their own original birth certificate, argue that it is the mothers (like your wife) who insist they do not want to be found and were promised annonymity.   There are special interest groups speaking on your wife's behalf and saying she wants protection from her son - I was just wondering if you were aware of this?

Sorry, got sidetracked.   I hope they don't leave the country.

Perhaps your wife could have it put on record that she is open to contact when her son comes of age by putting a waiver of confidentiality in the adoption file with whomever arranged the adoption.  And some time next year get herself out there to be found.  the ISRR reunion registry is worldwide and your wife's son will be eligible to register with other registries in the States even if living abroad (I was taken abroad but am still registered with my birth State's registry)

I guess if I was in your place, I would attempt to open dialogue with the adoptive parents, if they are approachable.  There is non law against an adult citizen contacting another adult citizen.   I don't know the whole story, but from what I have gathered, it's not pretty and I hope your wife's anguish is soon eased and I'd like her to know that there are many many adoptees who would welcome their birth families with open arms, I hope this is the case with her son

All the best

Answer 11

If he is never told that he is adopted, its none of your concern. The father has every right to tell him or not to tell him as he sees fit, as he is the parent now. If you think your wife will try to contact him, you should strongly caution her against it. She gave up any rights she had to him when she put him up for adoption.