I have recently fostered a sibling group, 3 girls 2 boys? They are having trouble with their parents?

Question

They have been living with us for just over 5 months, and they have steadily become more attatched to me and hubby.

We have always spoken highly of their biological parents and encouraged them to write letters and take phone calls.

At our last court hearing the judge ordered for weekly visits to start taking place with the children. But none of the children want to visit, and the eldest boy and one of the girls is getting highly upset, screaming, crying and clinging when they get picked up. 4 of the children (youngest is a baby) are now refusing to talk to the parents on the phone as well. They will write letters and draw pictures occasionally.

What is going on, and how do we help them?

Answer 1

You & hubby sound wonderful! What a challenge to take on a family of 5.  Most especially, your concern for these kids emotional well being is heartwarming.

Without knowing the reasons the children were removed from their parents home, it's hard to say exactly what's going on in their heads & hearts.  

Often kids who've been separated from their parent(s) will sometimes 'reject' their parent(s) when they first appear after being gone.  It's an emotional 'protection mechanism' of sorts for the children.  As a child, it's devastating to be separated from your parents. Even when they aren't good parents.  

If the parents have been abusive or terribly neglectful, the children may have a whole other set of emotional issues to deal with by being reunited with their parents.  Read about attachment disorders.  Even if the kids don't have an extreme form of AD, they probably have some of the symptoms based on their life experiences.

http://www.radkid.org/

Let their CWA case worker know what's happening. Ask for counseling or a therapist for the kids.  Are you in the US?  If so, ask the children's attorney if they aer on the list for a CASA - a court appointed special advocate.  He/she will visit with the kids at least once a week and can help get the support the children need & that you need to support them through this difficult transition.  

Good luck!

ETA: I completely disagree with the poster who suggested moving them "before it gets out of hand".  Another move would add the the overall distress & anxiety these kids are experiencing.

Answer 2

What is going on? The children have begun to depend on you for security and love.

How do you help them? Continue to be a source of security and love, but assure them that it is their parents' responsibility to provide it. If they are uncomfortable with that, then perhaps you should check with your foster counselor (I'm sure you must have one) about adoption...if that's feasible.

Answer 3

Surely seems like there's more going on than what meets the eye.

The kids are extremely disturbed...

Answer 4

Hi,

You just support them and know your role in it.  It is hard, we had many children go back or start visits when we didn't agree, but our role as foster parents is to support the children and get them back with parents if parents are able.  

Report ALL behaviour to social workers (were they scared to go, how did they act when they came home)

You may see these behaviour lessen iwht time and have them be excited to see parents again.

One step at a time.

Answer 5

Unfortunately this happens often in foster care.  The children are enjoying the stability that you are offering them.  But it in most cases ends badly for the foster parents and the children.  If they become too attached and are reunited with their parents, which seems to be the plan, it will be more difficult on all of you.  You should discuss it with their social worker.  They may recommend moving the children before the situation gets out of hand.  Good luck to you and to the children that you have been so good to.

Answer 6

Why were they separated from their parents? Drugs? Abuse? They obviously have trust issues with them and they are probably scared that they will have to go back and the same things will happen again. They feel safe with you. Sit them down and tell them that their parents love them and want to change the way things were before, and want to make amends for their past behavior. They are getting attached to you and your husband and don't want to be uprooted from a stable environment. Talk to their caseworker and explain the situation and ask them what you can say to the kids.

Answer 7

Sounds like those children have really connected to you. They probably feel safe and secure for the very first time. Accolades to you. Especially for taking the whole group. I don't have the answers for you, but I did want to say "kudos" to you for being a foster mommy!

Answer 8

talk to the courts.. or a professional.. and explain things..

have you talked to their parents?

if the parents would give up all legal rights to the kids.. would you keep them?? (NEVER tell the kid the answer to this one)

I think its natural how the kids are behaving.. they are so torn... they dont want their parents to hurt them again... oddly because they have less ingrained emotional attachment to you.. a tiny thing done by their parents is worse than a serious thing done by you...

talk to the older ones... ask them why they are so scared (maybe there is something bad that happens?)  OR better yet plan a big group meeting - like go to the zoo.. I assume because you get money for providing foster care that over all your income is higher- so you could even pay their parents admission.. hang back and let the visit happen..

but really talk to a profession.. I am sure you have somesort of guidance in the foster care program..

you are good not to slam their folks.

Answer 9

Your giving them more love than their parents are and they just don't want to go back home and I can't say that I blame them.

Answer 10

That's a really hard question to answer.  I would say you give the children an opportunity to talk about what's bothering them.  How old are each of them?  Anyway, if they can't open up to you...can they and do they talk to a councelor.  I would think five months without visits would have a dramatic impact on children of any age regardless of whether they spoke on the telephone or wrote letters.  Its a lot easier to be friendly with people that you don't have to have direct contact with.  Living with them or in this case being placed in their control for certain perdetermined periods of time is a totally different situation.  Yeah, counceling is the best answer for the kids.  As for what else you can do, I would discuss the situation with whatever representative the court has appointed for each of the children...to express your concerns for the children.  You are the children's most personal advocates after all.  The court appointed representatives can't do anything for the children if they are unaware of the hardships the paperworks is driving.  Ultimately, if the court is working towards returning the children to their biological parents, you should try to support that effort as well.  Find out what sorts of things the biological parents have interests in and try to find connections for the children.

I could never do what you are doing.  It would tear my heart apart to know that the children I have been caring for are returning to the people that had placed them in the needy situation to begin with.  And I'd find it very difficult to be supportive of them.  I could bite my tongue and not discuss things with the children.  But when they are crying that they don't want to leave to return to these people, it would wreak emotional havok on me personally because I want so much to do everything I can to protect the children.  Kudos for being one of those strong wonderful people that does this for children in need!

Answer 11

Well that is kinda hard for them because they may feel attached to you cause they feel secure there and they may not with their real parents, for whatever reason. I don't know their situation and why they were taken out, and I know you cant discuss that with anyone because of confidentiality issues.

Usually the parents will have to go through classes and programs before they get their kids back. You may have to sit down the kids and ask them what they feel, and why they are upset. Discuss with them that their parents are trying to get better.

Its going to be hard for both them and you because 5 months is a long time,

I hope everything works out for them and you.