I have recently found out that my husband has been cheating on me for 9 months....?

Question

We have been married for 1 1/2 years. Found, from his cell phone, a new number, when I called it, this woman tells me she has been seeing him for 9 months. 9 MONTHS!!!! Not one or two dates or a few weeks. 9 MONTHS!!!!!! I am shocked. I feel like, I don't know him. He must have lied about where he was or where he was going. I Decided to take him back, only because he said he wanted to fix this, fix himself, stay married and live happy. Someone who wants to change should be given a chance, but night after night I can't sleep, because I keep thinking about 9 months of lies and I feel jealous, hurt, used. I just want him to say I am sorry, I made a mistake and it will never happen again, but all I keep hearing is "well its your fault too", "we were fighting alot". How can I be sure? How can I prevent this in the future? Should I stay? I believe I deserve a good man, a good life. I work hard and all I want is to be happy. Couple cannot prevent ALL arguements, so how can I know. I don't want to live and not be able to trust him. I am working on this. The worst part, his friends all knew. And he wants me to just go hang out with them, like nothing happened. Like I am not a fool for not knowing and then finding out and letting him come back. I don't "NEED" him, I just love him. He is my husband. Please I need help. Can someone with experience or knowledge help me? I am desperate for good answers. Thank you.

Answer 1

First of all, your husband cheated on you, and instead of apologizing, he's blaming you for it and YET you took him back?  I hate to say this but I'm sure he has lost respect for you.  Why would you let anyone mistreat you this way and let them get away with it.

Had he been remorseful and truly sorry for betraying you, and both of you agreed to seek counseling, that would be a different story.  But since he's putting part of the blame on you, simply means that he hasn't own up to his mistake and most likely, he'll do it again.

It's really not a tough decision - I'm sure that deep inside you - you already know the answer of what's the best thing for you to do.  Just follow your gut instinct on this, respect yourself and others will respect you.  Good luck to you.

Answer 2

I'm sorry but this man and so called Friends are taking you for a fool stand up to him let him no you r worth better tell him 2 wrongs don't make it right but if he thinks your marriage is a joke that you can play games to don't let him get away with this you have only been married 18months put a stop to it now before its to late let him see what he as to loose stand up if you want this marriage to work then give him an ultimatum its up to you  

Answer 3

First off, get yourself tested for STDs, HIV and AIDS.

So he didn't confess, he got caught - and there is a huge difference there.

Loving someone doesn't mean they are the right person for you in a marriage. However, if you have kids, work it out somehow. If he TRULY says he'll give a shot at changing, the two of you get marriage counselling.

On top of it all, his **** is yours now. He must now be totally willing to let you know where he is going, with who and for how long - til YOU are satisfied and comfortable, and that might be a really long time.

God luck.

Answer 4

once a dog always a dog (cheater)...your a strong women cause i would never take him back to much pain for me...if you can forgive and for get then i guess it can work out ...but if you cant then its going to be very hard to stay happy...good luck!!

Answer 5

He is a F***ing A$$hole It is not your fault!!

Trust me with his attitude he will definetly do it again!!  Kick his Sorry A$$ out b/c you can't trust him!!  And don't hang out with his friends!

He is a disgusting A$$hole and you neeed to see that!

Answer 6

I know how you're feeling. It's hard to just chuck someone away after all that you've been through, even if he did cheat. First let me make it perfactly clear, it is not nor will it ever be your fault that he cheated. If he is saying that, he's just trying to take some of the blame off of himself. He probably does feel guilty, but if hasn't apologize, he may not think it's that big of a deal. Why don't you do a trial seperation? Live apart for a while. If he wants your forgiveness, he'll put in the effort to prove to you that he'll never do it again, if not, then I would suggest divorce.  

Answer 7

I think you should leave him. Sorry but I really do. He sounds horrible first 9 months is outrageous and secondly he's not apologising and thirdly his friends? He'll probably do it again.

I looked at your questions 2 months ago and you said you got the feeling he didn't care about you then and you thought of getting out. And that was before you knew he was cheating...

Harriet

Answer 8

I would honestly get out now..You deserve better.Nobody needs a cheater.He will do it again and who knows what he will bring back.

Answer 9

i went through the same en my husband cheated on me,i forgave him en gave him another chance  en am still with him ,what i lack is trust which he trys so much to show but i cant ,,,i feel the same sometimes but i love him,he has tryed to change so take ur time and hope he changes  but i for trust it takes time

Answer 10

Ask him if it was just for the s*x or if he loves her. If he loves her then tell him it is time to make a choice. If it is just for s*x ask him if he wanting to have an open marriage. If he says yes set up ground rules for both of you. First off no secrets and no cheating. When you want to go have s*x with someone else you both need to ask and get permission. Of course there are the health precautions to follow as well. Some couples who go this route set rules like no ex partners from before the marriage. Or no new partners. You might also think about finding another couple to play with or a single female with the two of you. I think you will find an open marriage with no lies and no cheating will help you turn this around.

Answer 11

If he won't even properly apologize for what he's done, than how can you begin to forgive him? In my eyes, there is absolutely NO excuse for cheating. Ever.

You do deserve a good man and a good life. You deserve better than him. There is a man out there for you who won't cheat, and will treat you the way you deserve. There is no excuse for one night of cheating, let alone 9 months of it.

Take care of yourself. You WILL find happiness, just not with him.

Answer 12

You need to leave now.  I appreciate that you were trying to give him a second chance, but believe me when I tell you that you are setting yourself up for more heartbreak.  If he had admitted his mistake, offered to go to counselling to make sure it never happened again, I would have said you had a chance.  But all he does is trying to shift the blame onto you.  By staying with him, you have taught him that there are no consequence for his cheating, so of course he will do it again.  Probably doing it right now.  If you truly believe that you deserve to find happiness with a good man, you will end it now.  Every moment you spend with a cheater is a waste of your time.

Answer 13

My husband cheated on me. I threw his *** out, divorced him, got EVERYTHING in the divorce and told him, "You're not as smart as you thought you were, are you now?" And he didn't dare try to blame me for his cheating. If he had of, I would of choked the s.h.i.t outta him.  

Answer 14

Coming from first hand experience, I would say leave, cut your loses now and move on.  Read some of my post questions.  My husband had an 8 mos affair, and you will never EVER stop wondering if they are still talking and kicking, you will feel like he took extra steps NOT to get caught up again.  Or....he will find another fling to cheat on you with.  He needs time to show you how serious he is about your marriage.

Answer 15

see the first thing that don't compromise or get drawn with negative thoughts. Discuss the whole problem with your husband and let him know that how much do u love him and how u much care about him. dont get confused and get evrything clear. talk to someone who is older than u in ur family and seek help. if ur telling that he is ur husband and u love him. if he don't have value about ur feelings y the h**l u care about him. just see around ur self and check out the one who really cares for u. may u have done a mistake in ur past and this is the time to rectify ur mistake. be sure that u are on the right track and get confirmation of the relation of ur husband with the other women and if it is true just get rid of him.

    

Answer 16

You and only you can say what to do. What would be right for someone else may not be right for you. It is not your fault he cheated. It was his choice to do so. You did not tell him to do so.You did not give him permission to go out and find another woman.He apperrantly has not tried very hard to work out your diferrances. Yet he is trying to say you are at fault and he is the victum. You have to do what you feel is the right thing for you to do. The partner is alway the last to know when some one is cheating. The whole town knows but the partner does not. I can only say that most of the time when some thing like this happen, it will happen again sooner or later when thing get rockey. I hope this will help you make what is the right choice for you. Good Luck.

Answer 17

It will be very hard for him to not cheat again..... he did it once he will certainly do it again... go to counseling...and see if you feel any better...if not then are you prepared to live with the feeling of hurt for the rest of your life? Good luck !!!!

Answer 18

Counseling, if that does not work then divorce.  If you do not have kids do not have any until this is reslolved.

Answer 19

Your husband is a DOG, sorry. Having arguments is not an excuse for cheating. My recent ex-bf did cheat on me many times and he also said the same thing "It's not my fault, we fight too much." My ex-bf's friends all knew his cheating and actually supported him doing so!!!

Listen to this. You need to leave him. Honestly, a survival rate of any relationship with cheating involved is almost zero. Especially a partner is a pure jerk like that, it's impossible.

You are going through exactly what I went through.

Although my ex was a pure dirty jerk, I couldn't let him go just because I loved him. But now, everything went over the limit. I don't have any feeling about him. It's been few weeks since my break-up. Now he rings and texts that he's sorry and loves me all that blah blah~, but you know what? It certainly and CERTAINLY happens again if I let him in my life again, as he did always. I won't make any more mistake. So I never answer or text back.

Listen, I really feel sorry and understand your situation from the bottom of my heart. If he doesn't want to work things out, then just leave him ice-cold like what I did!!

You are not all alone in that situation.

Once a dog, always a dog.

A sweet girl like you never need a dog.

Answer 20

You two were still newlyweds, and he was doing this in the beginning, apparently this was going on before you got married, and how is it that you had no clue somehing was amiss in a 9 month period?Also, suppose you had not found out when you did, how much longer do you think it would have continued going on? When do you think he was going to tell you about it if ever?He could have brought you sexually transmitted diseases or anything,,no respect for you and your marriage.According to God's holy word and the Bible,you must forgive him,he must ask your forgiveness also and repent of his sin, but you are free to divorce, as you know one of the en commandments is Thou shalt not committ adultery. Unfortunately, he did.  

Answer 21

If he can't even admit his guilt in all of this, he's not truly sorry. It is in no way your fault that he cheated. Don't let him make you feel guilty for something you had no control over. Speaking from personal experience, if you don't feel in your heart that you can totally trust him, you do not need to stay. You will have a long, miserable road ahead of you. You will worry everytime he is on the phone, every time he leaves, everytime time you two have a fight......If the trust is gone, you should be too.