I have three poems I need help with please read and comment?

Question

A walk down the street

I start at my house and

Work my way down

Down to the place he once lived

I sit on the sidewalk

Were we once played

The smell of him mingling in the air

And in my mind

this one I am mostly fine with but if you have any corrections please help

My eyes glaze over

My breath comes faster

As I remember the

Look in your eyes

As I told you about

My feeling and how

I loved you all along.

My eyes close and imagine the feeling of your heart beating I remember ling on your chest gazing up at the sky listening to the rhythm of your heart as your chest moved up and down. I feel your hand on my back rubbing little circles I look up as you look down and our eyes meet sharing the most intimate of looks. Our lips meet and I feel your love seeping through me. You whisper in my ear I love you. Only for me to wake without you by my side and the realization that we will never share that intimate look.

I need titles and any reviews you might have would be great

Answer 1

what about using that instead of the in this stanza

As I remember the/Look in your eyes

By the way I love the way the last one flows and the use of the up and down repetition it really feels like you are lying on a chest feeling a man breathe. The only thing I would say about that one is maybe cut out the as and and in one line:

I feel your hand on my back rubbing little circles I look up you look down our eyes meet sharing the most intimate of looks.

Answer 2

I'm not sure this really counts as poetry. It's just prose that has line breaks. The last one is just a series of run-on sentences.

In order to make it read like poetry, you should pay some attention to meter and imagery, if not rhyme. Poetry tends to use a lot of figurative speech - metaphor, simile, and personification, which you aren't really using. Also, most poems have a rhythm or meter supported by the line breaks, but your line breaks don't seem to reinforce that or make sense.

I'd say find a poetry form or a rhyme scheme that you like and write poems to fit that for a while before trying to do free verse. Free verse is _hard_, and deceptively so.

Answer 3

I like the first, except for the last line; it somehow doesn't fit. The second is good, I see nothing wrong with it, but maybe you could get it to flow better.

The third, I don't like all that much. It seems more of something you could find in a novel than in a poetry anthology. So, it's good, but not as poetry.

Answer 4

u are great i love this poem keep on the good work