I have to do an essay about internal medicine and Medical Internist. I kinda started on the paper? opinions?

Question

This is just the beg. of the paper: First paragraph? What u think

The Medical Field is in high demand and will remain in high demand over time. That's because people get ill everyday, new diseases are discovered and old diseases are advancing. Medical Internist are the ones that treat, discover, diagnose and prevent all kinds of internal diseases such as heart disease, cancer, diabetes and hundreds more internal conditions. Thousands of people die each year from internal illnesses. Soon, the death rates would decrease due to the count that medicine is advancing. Advanced medicine equals less deaths due to chronic illnesses, diseases, and conditions.

Okay what do you think

Answer 1

Edited version of intro:

The medical field is in high demand, and will remain in high demand in the future because people get ill everyday, and new diseases are being discovered and old diseases are advancing. Medical Internists are treat, discover, diagnose and prevent a variety of internal diseases such as heart disease, cancer, diabetes and hundreds more internal conditions. Thousands of people die each year from internal illnesses, but soon the death rates would decrease due to the advancement of  internal medicine. Research and medical advancement results in less deaths due to chronic illnesses, diseases, and conditions.



I think the intro is good. I'm assuming that you're going to be arguing the positives associated with current internal medicine. Its always good to incorportate the argument from the other side and rebuttal. So you could have one of your paragraphs argue that "some people would argue that current internal medicine disregards religious and spiritual responses to health problems..." and then argue why that's not true, etc. A more focused thesis will result in a clearer and more focused paper. And an interesting, unexpected thesis will get a better grade and impress the teacher. GOOD LUCK!!